Hugh Hefner Comes Out of Retirement, Changes Pajamas, Goes Back into Retirement

Top Headlines

Issue 2906

Deadly New Virus Found To Be 'Real Squiggly'

Scientists and doctors at Princeton’s Institute for Advanced Studies, working around the clock in pursuit of a cure for the mysterious new “SeloThoxxyn-P Five” virus, yesterday announced the stunning discovery that the virus is “real squiggly.” The news c...

Jesus Free After Killing Hooker

‘I am above the law,’ He says

ST. LOUIS, MO—Jesus the Christ, Son of Yahweh, is free on bond today after being arrested for the murder of Wanda Jimenez, 38, an East Side prostitute.

Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck

‘Nothing was left to the imagination,’ says Damascus-area shopkeeper

An area harlot exposed her face and neck to the naked eyes of several area men yesterday, stirring deep within them filthy and sinful desires.

Evolution to Occur Thursday

Beginning February 22, Human Arms Will Be Slightly Shorter

PALO ALTO, CA—In a surprising announcement, scientists at Stanford University revealed yesterday that beginning this Thursday, human arms will become four to six inches shorter.

Crips Streamline Membership Application Process

Paperwork, Beatings To Be Reduced 50%

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better serve potential new members, the L.A.-based Crips street gang unveiled a revamped gang application procedure yesterday, one expected to reduce both initiation beatings and paperwork by 50 percent.

Bronx Zoo Opens New Loitering Teens Exhibit

The Bronx Zoo, long a trailblazer among the world’s zoological reserves, opened its exciting new Loitering Teens exhibit Saturday to the anticipation of zoogoers nationwide.“They are fascinating,” said Ronald Fehgr, 51, a member of the Bronx Zoo Board of...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Small Business

Good Times