San Diego Zoo Acquires Chinese Man

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Issue 2914

Umabomber Captured

FBI Ends 18-Year Search for Leggy Luddite Lolita

In a spectacular climax to the longest manhunt ever mounted by the FBI, federal agents captured the notorious, glamorous Umabomber yesterday.

Spring is a Great Time for Sex

A Seasonal Message From The Onion

One of the longest winters on record has drawn to a close. As the snow melts away and warm breezes begin blowing through the new season, the American people will begin the slow process of healing themselves from the psychological and spiritual ravages of ...

Middle Management Prepares for 'Operation Xerox-Fax'

HARTFORD, CT—Middle management officials at Coopers & Schmidt, a Hartford-based insurance claims adjustment firm, are busy gearing up this week for Operation Xerox-Fax, a covert, high-stakes faxing mission scheduled for April 23.

Your Real Horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love.

Hero Fireman Saves Child Trapped in Bob Dole

PLAINFIELD, NE—In an inspiring display of modern-day heroism, Plainfield fireman James Pagnozzi yesterday saved the life of area resident Janie Siles, 4, who became caught in Republican presidential front-runner Bob Dole while exploring an abandoned barn.

Stop Mocking My Antennae

Quit making fun of my antennae. I’m sick and tired of you slurring my heritage. You, the bastard issue of coarse yeomanry.

Racist Figurines March On Washington

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling themselves "insulting caricatures born of bigotry" and "demeaning portrayals bearing no resemblance to actual human beings or cultures," an estimated 400,000 so-called jigaboos, pickaninnies and darky po' boys representing racist statuary from across the U.S. marched on Washington Monday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

San Diego Zoo Acquires Chinese Man

SAN DIEGO, CA—The San Diego Zoo, home to the world’s largest collection of animals in captivity, added its first human specimen Monday, acquiring Chinese man Xiang Zhengzhou from the Paris Metro Zoo. Zhengzhou, a Beijing native, was shipped from Paris this weekend. “We are extremely excited to have acquired Xiang,” zoo spokesperson Maria Loomis said. “He is a handsome fellow and will make a wonderful addition. He’s so playful, too—everyone on staff here just loves to watch him.” Zhengzhou, who will be renamed “Bobo,” makes his public debut April 27.