San Diego Zoo Acquires Chinese Man

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Issue 2914

Umabomber Captured

FBI Ends 18-Year Search for Leggy Luddite Lolita

In a spectacular climax to the longest manhunt ever mounted by the FBI, federal agents captured the notorious, glamorous Umabomber yesterday.

Spring is a Great Time for Sex

A Seasonal Message From The Onion

One of the longest winters on record has drawn to a close. As the snow melts away and warm breezes begin blowing through the new season, the American people will begin the slow process of healing themselves from the psychological and spiritual ravages of ...

Middle Management Prepares for 'Operation Xerox-Fax'

HARTFORD, CT—Middle management officials at Coopers & Schmidt, a Hartford-based insurance claims adjustment firm, are busy gearing up this week for Operation Xerox-Fax, a covert, high-stakes faxing mission scheduled for April 23.

Your Real Horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love.
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San Diego Zoo Acquires Chinese Man

SAN DIEGO, CA—The San Diego Zoo, home to the world’s largest collection of animals in captivity, added its first human specimen Monday, acquiring Chinese man Xiang Zhengzhou from the Paris Metro Zoo. Zhengzhou, a Beijing native, was shipped from Paris this weekend. “We are extremely excited to have acquired Xiang,” zoo spokesperson Maria Loomis said. “He is a handsome fellow and will make a wonderful addition. He’s so playful, too—everyone on staff here just loves to watch him.” Zhengzhou, who will be renamed “Bobo,” makes his public debut April 27.

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