Just For Kids

Top Headlines

Issue 2917

Unabomber Condemned by Willie Tyler, Lester

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an official ceremony held at the Justice Department Monday, ventriloquist Willie Tyler and his dummy, Lester, strongly condemned Una-bomber suspect Theodore Ka-czynski.The news media, Clinton administration officials, FBI agents and nu...

San Diego Zoo Lays Off 2,000 Animals

Animals Let Out of Cages, Producing 'Leaner, Healthier' Zoo

SAN DIEGO, CA—Citing “sagging first quarter profits” and disappointing 1995 revenue figures, the San Diego Zoo announced yesterday its decision to lay off nearly 2,000 animals, including all giraffes, vultures, elephants, snakes and a number of rare Siber...

Perky 'Canada' Has Own Government, Laws

It’s Monday morning, and Toronto resident Steve Dorman shares a quick breakfast of “eggs” (a native food) with his “wife” (an officially state-sanctioned mate), and discusses yesterday’s poor showing by the hometown team in “baseball” (a popular local spo...

I'm Never Taking the Bus Again

Hola amigos. What’s goin’ on at your end? It’s been a long time since I’ve rapped at ya’, but I’ve been busier than a horny dog at a leg convention.

Directions To Ed's Steak House

Tolbrook, ID—If you are coming from the city, take I-80 South to the Chesterton exit. Follow the off ramp around and turn left on Chesterton.

CEO Has Female Sex Organs

RALEIGH, NC—Stockholders and board members of telecommunications giant Cyntex Industries were startled to learn Monday that company CEO Susan Nelbman has both female genitalia and engorged mammary glands.

'Home Improvement' Announces Plans To Suck More

Los Angeles—In an announcement that has shocked critics and audiences alike, the executive producers of Home Improvement have issued a memo detailing proposed ways to make the popular ABC-TV comedy series suck more.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage