Coping With Gas Prices

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Issue 2918

Hard Times Hit Springsteenville

SPRINGSTEENVILLE, U.S.A.—Across America, cities are facing shrinking job bases and plant closings. But nowhere has the recent industrial slowdown hit harder than Springsteenville.

Mommy, Please Kill Me

Mommy, please kill me.I don’t want to be born. I want to die. I dream sweet little baby dreams of dying, and how wonderful it would be.

Doritos Celebrates One Millionth Ingredient

DALLAS, TX—Amid much fanfare, the Frito-Lay Corporation, manufacturers of the world’s best-loved snack chip products for over 50 years, announced yesterday the addition of the one millionth ingredient in Doritos, the company’s flagship brand of cheese-fla...

Death Star To Open Day Care Center

After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death Star, the Empire’s vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new, state-of-the-art day care center to its already vast array of capabilities.

Zsa Zsa or Eva Gabor Dead

LOS ANGELES—Zsa Zsa or Eva Gabor, the well-known star of stage and screen, was found dead Monday morning in her Hollywood Hills home.

Real Life "Twister" Kills 117

Morganville, OK—As the runaway smash hit film Twister tore up box offices across the U.S. on its opening weekend, an exciting, real life "twister" tore through this tiny farming community of 459 Sunday night.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.