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Issue 2921

Bob Dole Stuck on Sandbar

CAIRO, IL—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole remains stranded on a sandbar on the Mississippi River near the Illinois-Missouri border today after multiple rescue attempts over the past several days proved unsuccessful. The former Kansas senator ra...

Area Consumers Consume Area

BRIXTON, MA—Hungry to possess as many consumer goods as possible, Brixton area consumers consumed the entire Brixton area yesterday, leaving only a barren, rocky swath of dead earth in their wake.

Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman, My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and that he didn’t want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to say that he hasn’t tried hard enough to look for work si...

Area Loner to Dwell on Past

Murfreesboro, TN—Area loner Dave Roe will dwell on his past this Saturday, according to sources close to the unemployed carpenter.

White Church Protected From Fire by God

White Church Protected From Fire by God johnson city, AL—The Our Father of The Lord Christ in Heaven congregation was informed by God Sunday that no damage will come to its church, as it is the recipient of divine fire protection. Though every other neigh...


Royals pitcher Bob Reed hurled a no-hitter Monday, greatly increasing his chances of obtaining sexual favors this week in the Kansas City metropolitan area.

DNR Warns: U.S. Mayonnaise Reserves Dwindling

Washington, D.C.—The American condiment community reacted with shock Monday when the U.S. Department of Natural Resources announced that the nation’s natural mayonnaise reserves, long thought sufficient to carry the country into the 21st century, are, in ...

Clinton Sold

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Clinton was sold at an invitation-only Sotheby’s auction Sunday, purchased by well-known British financier Owen Barasman.

Amish Give Up

"This is bullshit," Elders Say

LANCASTER, PA—After centuries of enduring harsh, spare living conditions and voluntarily shunning modern amenities such as microwave ovens and red clothing, Amish leaders announced Monday that Amish across the U.S.
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