Issue 2921

Amish Give Up

"This is bullshit," Elders Say

News ISSUE 29•21 Jun 18, 1996
LANCASTER, PA—After centuries of enduring harsh, spare living conditions and voluntarily shunning modern amenities such as microwave ovens and red clothing, Amish leaders announced ...

Area Consumers Consume Area

News ISSUE 29•21 Jun 18, 1996
BRIXTON, MA—Hungry to possess as many consumer goods as possible, Brixton area consumers consumed the entire Brixton area yesterday, leaving only a barren, rocky ...

Bob Dole Stuck on Sandbar

News ISSUE 29•21 Jun 18, 1996
CAIRO, IL—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole remains stranded on a sandbar on the Mississippi River near the Illinois-Missouri border today after multiple rescue attempts ...

Clinton Sold

News in Brief ISSUE 29•21 Jun 18, 1996
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Clinton was sold at an invitation-only Sotheby’s auction Sunday, purchased by well-known British financier Owen Barasman.

Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman

Advice ISSUE 29•21 Jun 18, 1996
By Sgt. Frank Stempke, Gut-Shot Policeman
Dear Gut-Shot Policeman, My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and that he didn’t want to ...

Sports

Archive Feature ISSUE 29•21 Jun 18, 1996
Royals pitcher Bob Reed hurled a no-hitter Monday, greatly increasing his chances of obtaining sexual favors this week in the Kansas City metropolitan area.