LANCASTER, PA—After centuries of enduring harsh, spare living conditions and voluntarily shunning modern amenities such as microwave ovens and red clothing, Amish leaders announced ...

Washington, D.C.—The American condiment community reacted with shock Monday when the U.S. Department of Natural Resources announced that the nation’s natural ...

James and Vito Vincenzo, brothers and co-owners of Vincenzo Family Construction and Waste Removal Corporation of Long Island, NY, announced Monday they will give the ...

BRIXTON, MA—Hungry to possess as many consumer goods as possible, Brixton area consumers consumed the entire Brixton area yesterday, leaving only a barren, rocky ...

CAIRO, IL—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole remains stranded on a sandbar on the Mississippi River near the Illinois-Missouri border today after multiple rescue attempts ...

COMPTON, CA—Gloria Harper, a Compton-area mother who has openly condemned inner-city violence in the past, spoke out yesterday against the recent outbreak of hitting ...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Clinton was sold at an invitation-only Sotheby’s auction Sunday, purchased by well-known British financier Owen Barasman.

Durham, NC—The Philip Morris Company announced Monday that a team of tobacco researchers has linked lung cancer victims to a condition known as “Pussy ...

White Church Protected From Fire by God johnson city, AL—The Our Father of The Lord Christ in Heaven congregation was informed by God Sunday ...

Murfreesboro, TN—Area loner Dave Roe will dwell on his past this Saturday, according to sources close to the unemployed carpenter.

Reston, VA—The Matthew, Mark, Luke and Fun Playland theme park opened Saturday to a record crowd, most of which came to ride the new ...

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman, My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and that he didn’t want to ...

Royals pitcher Bob Reed hurled a no-hitter Monday, greatly increasing his chances of obtaining sexual favors this week in the Kansas City metropolitan area.