Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

Top Headlines

Issue 2924

Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business

Unable to Compete With New Breed of Insane Retailers

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A era in discount merchandising came to an end Sunday, when the last of the famed Sane Freddie’s electronics stores closed its doors, a victim of what one industry analyst termed “the trend toward psychosis in American retail.”

Pet Eligibles

Critters Who Need Good Homes

Maggie, a six-year old Australian Shepherd mix, has an unbelievable tongue that's eager to lick gravy off anything; maybe even you! Loves kids. Max, a three-year-old tabby, was given up recently by his owner. Perfect for medical experiments requiring animals with iron constitutions and high pain thresholds.

My Seed Is Pure

For eight years I have been the leading supplier of hybrid seed corn in Winneshiek County, and the reason is clear: My seed is pure! I have come to assume my dominant position in this farm community due to the high quality and timely delivery of my seed. ...


Olympic mascot Izzy is at it again! When he's not appearing in corporate product placements, he's teaching kids worldwide that America has no cultural identity!

Bill Gates To Get Half

REDMOND, WA—In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he will be getting half.

Bumbling Astronauts Caught in Wacky 'Lunch-Launch' Mix-up

HOUSTON—The international aerospace community was shocked Monday when the experimental new Phoebus 3 Space Shuttle rocketed into space prematurely, manned only with two bumbling NASA janitorial workers as pilot and crew. As of press time, it is believed t...

Young Olympic Hopeful Realizes Dream of Killing Father

ATLANTA—U.S. Olympic gymnast Dominique Miller, 15, considered a favorite to bring home the gold in Atlanta, achieved her lifelong dream yesterday, killing her father/coach with a 12-gauge shotgun. “I can’t believe I’ve actually done it,” said an exuberant...

U.S. Drug Czar Announces: 'I'm Higher Than Hell Right Now'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—U.S. Drug Czar Richard B. McTaggart, the nation’s Commander in Chief in the War on Drugs, held a press conference yesterday to announce he is “higher than hell” after smoking marijuana with some friends. McTaggart, who appeared calm as he...

Walnuts Improve Area Chicken Salad

FORT WAYNE, IN—The addition of walnuts significantly improved an area chicken salad Monday, resulting in a more enjoyable taste experience for its eaters.
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Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

James Reedy
Killing-Floor Worker
James Reedy
Killing-Floor Worker

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

My wife and I recently moved from Florida to Minnesota, where I was offered a much better job. Problem is, she hates everything about Minnesota. Am I being cruel or is she just being stubborn?

—Stumped in St. Paul

Dear Stumped,

A cow’s skull is remarkably thick, so you’ve got to give it a terrific wallop. In the old days we’d use a cast iron mallet, but it’s hard to deliver a home-run swing all day long. I recommend a modern pnuematic bolt gun for both ease of use and efficient kill-through ratios. Remember, though, any method will still cover the floor with blood and brains, so keep those non-skid boots.

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

I’m 34 and still looking for that one special guy. I’ve tried everything from the produce aisle to the bar scene to church, but I keep coming up with duds. My friend swears by singles cruises. What do you think?

—Lonely in Lawrenceville

Dear Lonely,

Meat gobbets and sharp bone fragments are definitely a concern. Find the highest quality eye protection you can find, and wear it from the moment you set foot on the floor. If you’re going to be gutting or flensing, thigh-high rubber boots and thick aprons are a necessity. But unfortunately, when rendering hogfat into lard, they’re also an invitation to heatstroke. If in doubt, ask your line supervisor.

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

My last boyfriend misses my dog Robby terribly and comes to visit him whenever he’s around. It’s getting on my nerves. How do I tell him to give me and Robby some space?

—Cute Pooch in Baton Rouge

Dear Cute Pooch,

Try as you may, you’re never going to keep all the smaller particles of hair, bone, gristle, and assorted effluvia from getting into your meats. Unless you’re finding, say, mouse droppings, housefly eggs, or used band-aids in your sausages, I really woudn’t worry.

James Reedy is a syndicated columnist whose column, Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.