Band's Van Breaks Down

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Issue 3001

African Nation Not War-Torn

PORTO-NOVO, BENIN—According to inside sources in the capital city of Porto-Novo, the nation of Benin is not currently torn by war. In addition to lacking massive civil strife and severe political turmoil, the sources say, the small West African nation is also not under threat of violent military coup by leftist guerrillas. "Benin is a peaceful country," said New York Times West African correspondent Richard Coombes. "Its people are not being killed in large numbers and buried in mass graves. Further, Benin's many cities and villages are not being burned to the ground by roving bands of power-hungry, machine gun-wielding warlords." Benin's Department of Tourism is capitalizing on the nation's lack of combat, next week launching a $30 million "Benin—You Will Not Be Killed Here!" promotional campaign.

Lester Jackson Gets His Sorry Ass Home

ST. LOUIS—At the strong urging of his wife Rhonda, Lester Jackson got his sorry ass home last night, narrowly avoiding an explosive domestic confrontation. "He better get his sorry ass home real soon," Rhonda Jackson told reporters around 11:45 p.m. yesterday, more than two hours after her husband was supposed to return from his weekly poker game. "Cause if he don't, he ain't gonna like what he find when he do." Several minutes after Rhonda Jackson made her statement, Lester Jackson dragged his sorry ass through the front door, trying to pass off another one of his sorry-ass excuses and wearing that sorry-ass hangdog look on his face he always wears when he knows he's going to get it real good.

Dream Team Wins Small Soft Drink

ATLANTA—The U.S. men's basketball "Dream Team" took home a small soft drink from McDonald's yesterday, making its players big winners and quenching their Olympic-sized thirsts. "We win when the USA wins," said power forward Karl Malone, taking a sip from the Dream Team's 12-ounce Coke. "This refreshing beverage is ice-cold proof of that." The Dream Team won the food prize Sunday, when U.S. fencer Dana Owens took gold in the individual women's epee, defeating Qatar's Faizla Hourani 15-11, 15-9. Nine of the eleven Dream Teamers shared the drink, the exceptions being center Shaquille O'Neal, who is signed to a long-term exclusive contract with Pepsi, and reserve point guard John Stockton, who wanted a Mello-Yello.

Navy Admiral Thinks He's 'Mr. Important'

QUANTICO, VA—According to a recently published report, Navy Admiral John A. Weinhardt, 57, thinks he is "Mr. Important," or something. "Oooooooh... Aren't we Mr. Special? Aren't we just Mr. Look- At- All- My- Medals- I'm- So- Important- I'm- a- Mr.- Big-Shot- Important- Mr.- Navy- Man," read part of the 340-page classified government report, which concluded, "Like wow, I'm really powerful. Oooh, look at all these people saluting me... Like, I'm just so cool, you know?." Admiral Weinhardt has declined comment on the allegations.

Clinton Announces New 'No Walkman' Rule for Congress

WASHINGTON, DC—In a reversal of more than 15 years of Presidential Walkman policy, Bill Clinton announced Monday he is banning all personal portable stereo devices from meetings of the U.S. Congress, both House and Senate.

Very Few People Like Me

Very few people like me because I'm loud, and when I speak I usually demand something, only not in English, but rather by grunting. Then I get very angry when no one understands me, so I start to cry. That way sometimes waitresses will get close enough that I can grab their breasts.

Chinese Athletes Put Back Into Storage

BEIJING, CHINA—After two weeks of remarkable success against the world's finest athletes, the Chinese National Olympic Team was carefully disassembled and put back into storage yesterday, placed in a specially designed, high-tech cryogenic freezing pod for preservation until the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, Australia.

Rollerblade Rage

In-line skates have all of America on the go. What are the reasons for their incredible popularity?

Swimsuit Skirt Conceals Hideous Thigh Region

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—A swimsuit skirt successfully concealed more than six inches of upper thigh Monday, sparing hundreds of beachgoers from the sight of the mountains of hideous, cellulite-riddled flesh lurking beneath it. "That was a close one," said one non-witnessing beachgoer. "Thank goodness for that swimsuit skirt. Without it, we'd all have been done for."

Giant Six-Year-Old Devastates Area Ant Community

THE SANDBOX—Blasts of chemically coded vapor signifying distress were heard throughout the ant community yesterday, when Colony #000567KLN00067Q was attacked and nearly obliterated by a giant mammalian destructor-beast.

I Just Wrote a Hymn

Let me tell you, I love Jesus Christ more than just about anything on this miserable rock called Earth. Every morning, my nurse unstraps me so that I may get down on my knees and give my solemn and humble thanks in my private chapel.
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Band's Van Breaks Down

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Promising local band Spacegoat suffered a major setback on its path to fame yesterday, when its 1982 Dodge van broke down en route to a show in Durham.

Yesterday's van breakdown elicited strong reaction from members of the rock group Spacegoat, ranging from "Shit" to "Dude, that bites."

"Shit," said Spacegoat drummer Josh Zell, 20, minutes after the incident occurred. "That sucks big-time."

The unexpected engine failure, which Zell attributed to "like, something near the front snapping," cost Spacegoat's members $30 apiece for a tow truck and caused them to miss their 10 p.m. slot opening for fellow Chapel Hill rockers Third Grade.

"Dude, that could have been our big break," said guitarist Tim Ackles. "Guys from Mammoth [Records] were supposed to be coming to check out Third Grade. They might've signed us too."

"Totally," said bassist Tina Gurghery.

According to mechanics at McHenry Auto Service, the van will not be ready until next Monday, forcing Spacegoat to miss a headlining appearance Saturday night at friend Matt Halyard's party.

"Shit," said Zell. "That's gonna be a great party."