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Issue 3003

Liver Flees George Jones' Body

NASHVILLE, TN—After more than 40 years of absorbing vast quantities of hard alcohol, George Jones' liver finally fled the famed country singer's body Monday. "I can't take it anymore," the liver said. "A liver can only process so many toxins before it says to hell with it." Jones' liver absorbed its final drink early Monday morning, a bourbon and branch water that Jones had with some eggs for breakfast. Until it can find a place of its own, Jones' liver plans to share an apartment with Merle Haggard's liver and Hank Williams Jr.'s lungs.

Year Abroad Changes Student's Worldview For One Year

SKOKIE, IL—After a tremendously broadening year of travel through Northern Africa, area student Naomi Pilchner returned home to the U.S. yesterday, returning to her pre-year abroad worldview as well. "I'll never forget the things I saw there. There were mountains and grasslands and the most exotic animals imaginable. But there was also terrible drought and starvation—people were literally dying in the streets," Pilchner told friend Jennifer Baskin upon arriving home. "Do you want to go look for shoes at Woodfield, Jen? I saw this awesome pair of green sandals on sale."

Clinton Gets Box To Put Government's Stuff In

WASHINGTON, DC—Unable to keep track of an ever-mounting pile of federal items, President Clinton got a big box to put all the government's stuff in yesterday. "It was getting really messy," Clinton said. "So I decided it was time to get it all off the floor." According to Clinton, the box, made of sturdy, high-quality corrugated cardboard, will be used to hold many of the government's estimated 5.1 trillion belongings, which include 51 aircraft carriers, 296,000 staple removers and the tax records of every American citizen. "That's a lot of stuff," Clinton said. "I just hope it all fits."

Cry Of More, More, More Heard In Midnight Hour

LONDON—A cry of more, more, more was heard in the midnight hour Sunday, prompting police to launch a full-scale investigation. "While we don't have any leads yet, the yell clearly sounded like it came from an outsider, possibly even a rebel," said London police commissioner James Blaney. "Before I investigate further, though, I urge you to let me sink another drink, as it will give me time to think." Blaney added that if the current investigation—during which police have looked all over the world—fails to yield any real clues soon, tomorrow might be a nice day to start again. "Whoever this rebel is," Blaney said, "he clearly has got no human grace."

It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

The other day Judy the wife was yappin' that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French Cooking course she's taking. I figured at least I could get some grub out of the deal.

The Island of Doctors and Monsters Is Not a Very Good Movie

Ah, the movies. The lights. The glamour. The action! Where else can a person escape to see the stars for the price of a good shave at the corner barber store? Hollywood town! Where a young ingenue can hitch her dreams to a rising star and sit on the director's couch and rise to the top of the Silver Screen.

The Liniment That Saved My Life

This Saturday I'll be observing my 112th birthday, and the well-wishes and accolades have been pouring into my vast plantation-estate. The King of Spain, the Sultan of Brunei, and the great Kaiser Wilhelm have all sent their warm regards.

Stupid Magazine Ranks Some Stupid Crap

NEW YORK, NY—Fling magazine, the "magazine for on-the-go twentysomethings," arbitrarily ranked a bunch of stupid crap from 1 to 10 in its new September issue, providing those included in the list with a false sense of validation and Fling with something to put on its cover. "We are number one," said a member of the group ranked first. "This magazine ranking proves it!" In addition to exciting those included near the top of the list, the survey excited editors of other stupid publications, who found the stupid rankings to be a perfect editorial space-filler. According to Fling editor Michael Klein, the magazine plans to rank as much other crap as possible in the future, as making up lists lends a publication importance and credibility.

Artistic Sensibility Takes Backseat to Commerical Consideration

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Artistic sensibility took a backseat to commercial consideration yesterday, when independent writer-director Norm Blugoth's semi-autobiographical opus, Shadows, Dimly: A Life Remembered was purchased, revamped and re-released by Mammoth Video under the new title Tit Planet.

Iraqi POW Wins Nobel Prize for Screaming

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—In a formal ceremony yesterday, Ahmat Al-Fassan, an Iraqi soldier held prisoner and brutally tortured by Iranian captors for more than seven years, was awarded the 1996 Nobel Prize for Screaming.

Area Stoners Mistakenly Hold Massive Kemp Rally

BOULDER, CO—A diverse group of marijuana advocates, or "stoners" as they are popularly known, mistakenly held a massive rally in support of Republican party vice-presidential nominee Jack Kemp yesterday, calling upon citizens and the legislature in their demands for the candidate's immediate legalization.

Macarena Madness

All across America, people can't stop moving to the beat of the Macarena. Why?
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Ask the Dungeonmaster

Dear Dungeonmaster,

In a recent campaign, my 12th-level Chaotic Good Elf, "Lagathyl the Archer of the Golden Woods," acquired a Bag of Holding from a group of orcs containing several magical items from the Castles of Xyn. These spells would sure come in handy during the "Assault on the Slime Pits of Hordax" module my friends and I are playing next weekend. However, our dungeonmaster insists that the spells cannot be used in the Prime Material Plane. In other words, my Bag of Holding is rendered completely useless!

—Jeff "Lagathyl the Archer" Evans
Racine, WI

Dear Lagathyl,

This must be the 10th letter I've received from a 12th-level elf on this very subject. The answer is simple: According to the Deities and Demigods manual, the spells in question are derived from the Cthulhu mythos and are therefore inaccessible to characters with a Chaotic Good classification. What's more, even having the bag in your possession makes you vulnerable to psionic manipulation by the Elder Gods. You'd better get rid of it quick or your elf is toast!

Dear Dungeonmaster,

My pals and I meet every Saturday for gaming action. Ususally we trade off every week and play at a different person's house, and the host for that week buys pizza. Lately, however, one of our gang—I'll call him "Sauron"—didn't buy, and we all had to chip in. Worse, the next time he was hosting, we had to call off the game early when his parents kicked us out of the basement rec room because they wanted to watch TV. He's really bringing us down!

—Tim "Kyklax the Cleric" Schmidt
St. Louis, MO

Dear Kyklax,

Whatever you do, don't blame "Sauron" for his parents' inappropriate behavior. After all, many of us who love role-playing games have had to put up with those non-gamers out there who just don't understand how enriching D&D; can be. As far as the pizza goes, do any of you have a character who's a Thief? A couple of hundred gold and silver pieces or maybe a crossbow or short-handled broadsword missing from his saddlebags, and your friend will catch on and pay for his pizza, believe you me!

Dear Dungeonmaster,

I love D&D; a lot, and the friends I've made playing it have provided me with something far more precious than mere gaming fun--human companionship, something my life is otherwise lacking. But recently, I met a new group of friends through the local Dr. Who fan club. They're not into D&D; at all! I've been hanging out with them more and more, and last week, I even missed a session of D&D; to go to a Dr. Who convention with my new chums. I don't want to lose my old peer group, but Dr. Who is just so cool!

—Lars "Hutwarg the Wraith" Ermu

Dear Hutwarg,

I like Timelords as much as the next Earthling (ha ha), but be warned: Being too fixated on Dr. Who could become a compulsion. You don't want to end up being a big nerd, do you? Here's my advice, Hutwarg: Go down to your nearest gaming dealer, buy a brand-new set of pewter dragon miniatures, and hand-paint them so they look just like the drawings in the Monster Manual. That should get you back in the old D&D; spirit in no time.

Confidential To Loin Girder:

No way! If you're a Dwarf and got hit by a five-hit Dice Fire Dragon, you're going to need a Saving Throw of at least 12 or so on a 20-sider. Your so-called "friend" is an L-I-A-R.

The Dungeonmaster has been supervising fantasy adventures for 14 years. In addition to gaming, he enjoys Marvel Comics, renting pornographic videotapes and playing the lute. Send letters to: "DM's Castle," c/o Asst. Mgr., Burger King, Store #4902, Piedmon