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Inner-City Stabbings Leave Five Maidless

• Area Man Feeds Own Self

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News

  In a real-life fight for survival last week, area resident Jerry Svoboda was forced to prepare his own meals rather than succumb to the threat of starvation. more»

  

• U.S. Department of Education Study Reveals Seniors Rule

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Department of Education released the results of an exhaustive three-year study of American secondary schools Monday, announcing that seniors rule. more»

  

• DMV Reconsidering 'One For the Road' Driver Relaxation Campaign

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News

  SPRINGFIELD, IL—With drunk driving fatalities in Illinois nearly tripling in the past year, the state's Department of Motor Vehicles announced Monday it will re-examine its "One For the Road" Driver Relaxation promotional campaign. more»

  

• Mountain Dew Council of Elders Exiles Non-Radical Teen

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News

  From their hidden sanctuary high atop Mount Dew, the Mountain Dew Council Of Elders formally passed judgment on area teen Brian Ruderman yesterday, unanimously ruling him "not radical" and sentencing him to eternal banishment from the Extreme Network. more»

  

• Six-Year-Old's Birthday Party Hampered By 85,000 Gallons of Combustible Fuel Oil

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News

  ERIE, PA—There was nothing left below the knees of three party-goers yesterday, as 85,000 gallons of combustible fuel oil gushed through the living room of 6-year-old Kenny Dodds, scorching everything in its path. more»

  

• 'Midwest' Discovered Between East, West Coasts

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News

  A U.S. Geographic Survey expeditionary force announced yesterday that it has discovered an unexplored and heretofore unknown land region between the New York and California coasts. more»

  

• Area Idea So Crazy It Just Might Work

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News in Brief

  ROCHESTER, NY—According to sources, an idea thought of Monday has been reported to be so crazy and ill-conceived that it may actually wind up working. "Without getting too specific," said Myron Halversham, 53, the idea's creator, "let's just say that this is the kind of off-the-wall idea that ordinarily you'd immediately reject as ridiculous and insane, and obviously doomed to fail. But upon second thought, it occurred to me that despite—or perhaps even because of—its utter absurdity, this idea may well be successful." Despite Halversham's tremendous optimism, area nay-sayers are scoffing at the hare-brained scheme. more»

• Kremlin Reports Yeltsin In Good Health Following Burial

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News in Brief

  MOSCOW—In an effort to quell the many rumors circulating regarding the Russian president's physical condition, Kremlin officials reassured the public yesterday that Boris Yeltsin is in good health following his burial. "Mr. Yeltsin is in fine shape, strong as a Russian bear," Kremlin information director Vladimir Chernovsky said, standing near Yeltsin's grave. "In fact, just before dying, Mr. Yeltsin took a long swim in the icy waters of the Volga River, barely tiring at all." To prove his point, Chernovsky removed the six feet of dirt covering Yeltsin, pointing out his healthy skin tone, hearty frame and barely eaten eyeballs. more»

• 'Perfect' Birthday Card Discovered In Local Mall

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News in Brief

  SCHAUMBURG, IL—After a nearly hour-long search, which included visits to some five stationery stores, local resident Doris Kessler finally found the perfect birthday card for a friend yesterday at Woodfield Mall. "This is just perfect for Kate!" said Kessler, 47, holding the card she selected for friend and co-worker Kate Adler. The card read, "So you're 39... Again!" Said Kessler, "I love to kid Kate about her age—she'll never admit how old she is!" Kessler plans to present the card to Adler at work Thursday, along with a humorous "Over the Hill" mylar balloon. "She's just going to die when she sees that!" Kessler said. more»

• Erik Estrada Big In Mexico

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—According to word out of Hollywood, former CHIPs star and '70s sex symbol Erik Estrada is reportedly big in Mexico. "Yeah, Erik Estrada. Sure, I remember him—supposedly he's real big in Mexico now," said Ron Wolfstein, partner in the prominent talent agency of Wolfstein, Miller and Diamond. "I think I heard something about him being on whatever the big soap opera is down there. I forget what it's called—something like Siempre Amor, or Siempro de Todo? I'm not sure." Added Wolfstein: "Actually, forget it—I think I'm thinking of that guy from Dukes of Hazzard." more»

• U.S. Consumers Demand Wider Selection

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Dissatisfied with their current range of choices, American consumers banded together Sunday to demand a wider selection of merchandise from the nation's retailers. "The current so-called 'selection' is deplorable," said group spokesperson and educated shopper Georgette Hughes. "Most things you buy, there's barely more than 20 varieties. When I go to an electronics chain, I want to see several hundred VCRs from which to choose. When I'm shopping for kitty litter, I want a thousand. This is bullshit." Hughes is calling for a mass boycott of all U.S. stores, with the exception of Home Depot and Wal-Mart. more»

• Rising College Costs

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | Infographic

  The price of a college education is higher than ever, as tuition costs continue to rise. How are America's universities spending all this extra money? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of September 4, 1996

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | Horoscope

  It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages. more»

• Clinton Woos Gay Vote With Freddie Mercury Mustache

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News in Photos

  

• Vatican Unveils New Rosary For Windows

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News in Photos

  

• Area Ostrich Lashes Out Against Unnecessarily Restrictive Zoning Laws

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News in Photos

  

• Produce Manager Ready For Some Football

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News in Photos

  more»

  

• The Joy of Sales

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | Commentary

  First of all, I can see you're all busy folks and the last thing you need is to waste time listening to a load of you-know-what, so let's get one thing straight right off. Dammit, I love sales. more»

• My Hot Dog Cart Is Undermanned

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | Commentary

  All the time, I catch people bellyachin' about the economy and how they're having trouble finding a job. Well you can bet I give them an earful, and how! "If there's so much trouble out there finding a job," I say, "then how come I can't find no one to work my hot dog cart?" more»

• I've Got a Serious Case of Election Fever!

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | Commentary

  Item! It's political mania out there, and yours truly has been in the thick of it! Now, I know I shouldn't do politics, but this year has been so spectacular that I had to put in my two cents worth. more»

• I'm Leaving My Fortune to That Lad On the Wireless Radio

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | Commentary

  Did you know I was once Governor of our fair state? Yes, from 1914 to 1920. I was known as the "Strip-Mining Governor" for my historic ceding of over 27 million square acres of state-owned land to the boron mining interests. Unfortunately, not a trace of boron was found, thousands of farmers and miners starved to death, and I was voted out of office after only one term. Damn those fickle voter bastards! more»

• Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me!

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | Point/Counterpoint

  Hug me! I am so cute and furry. I will crawl all over you and lick your face. You can hold me, and I will nuzzle my nose against you. Arf! You can pet my fuzzy coat. My fur is thick, and I'm roly-poly and have adorable floppy ears. I'm not scrawny and bony like a duck. You can rub my tummy-wummy! more»

• A Heroin Experience

  ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | American Voices

  With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film Trainspotting and on the cover of Time magazine. What do you think of this so-called "drug of the '90s"? more»