Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire

Top Headlines

Issue 3006

Area Man Demands More Starches

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Dissatisfied with his current levels of intake, Leonard Bierski, a 44-year-old Terre Haute-area plumber, publicly demanded a "serious increase" in his already prodigious consumption of starches. "Rice, potatoes, corn and wheat products," said the overweight Bierski, his mouth stuffed with Doritos and french fries. "I want a lot more." Bierski, who has eaten two salads in the past 14 years, said he will not rest until his diet is composed solely of carbohydrate-rich foods. "Spaghetti," he added. "Cocoa Pebbles."

Naturist Retreat Ends In Boner

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—After more than three days of hiking, canoeing and other outdoor activities, a naturist/nudist outing concluded yesterday with a large boner. "By the time the retreat had ended, there were lots of tired people, worn out from a long weekend of fun but strenuous activity," said Dale Pursner, tour leader for the Southern Exposure Naturist Getaways outing. "There also were a lot of stiffies."

Defense Department Holds Bake Sale To Buy Bomber

WASHINGTON, DC—In what was called "a great day" by the nation's educators, a cash-strapped Defense Department held a bake sale in the Pentagon courtyard yesterday to raise money for a new B-1 Bomber. "Gen. William A. Bratton told me we were about $220 million short for the brand-new bomber we all had our hearts set on, so I decided we should hold a big bake sale," said Col. Charles T. Lathrop, who, according to unnamed Pentagon insiders, made more than two dozen lemon cupcakes for the event. "So far, we've raised over 65 dollars." The department plans to follow up the sale with a car wash.

Earth Explodes

EARTH—In a move astronomers are calling "surprising," the planet earth violently exploded yesterday, shattering into billions of tiny fragments and killing all life existing on it. "From all indications, the planet just spontaneously combusted," said James Frye of Stanford's Palomar Observatory. "We'll know more after we examine soil samples."

Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday unveiled his new "poolside" economic plan.

Snobs, Slobs Face Off at Area Country Club

The elite Bushcrest Country Club was turned upside-down yesterday, as a throng of unkempt, drunken slobs descended upon the normally reserved social institution, terrorizing its uptight member snobs and stirring up all sorts of general mayhem.

Blind People Are Faking It

Citizens, hear us well. Our great nation is being undermined by a secret society of individuals who carry deadly white truncheons and lead vicious attack animals in public on a daily basis. These mysterious folk also have a secret means of communication, while shocking new evidence seems to indicate that they may even possess senses superior to those of other humans. We're speaking, of course, of the legions of the so-called blind.

I Think I May Have Had Sex Just Now

All right, I'll just come out and say it: In all my 124 years of life I have never had an erection. That is not to say that my three or five children were not all mine, except for the bastard H. Lucius, who I'm certain was the product of my filthy two-timing wife and the chimney sweep.

Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

That Hindenburg Announcer Guy is a nationally syndicated columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more than 350 newspapers nationwide.

Physics T.A. Not Born In U.S.

AUSTIN, TX—Scandal rocked the University of Texas Monday, when it was learned that Bin Lu, a 28-year-old physics teaching assistant, was not born in the U.S., but rather in China. "We are investigating this matter fully," said C. Thomas Brady, Director of Administrative Affairs at the school. "How a foreigner infiltrated our system, and got through our exhaustive set of security clearance checks, is a question we must answer." Brady vowed to get to the bottom of the matter.

Chuck Norris Fighting For Everyone Who Can't Fight Back

COLUMBUS, OH—According to a local television announcer, at 11:30 p.m. this Sunday on WPZH channel 27, Chuck Norris will fight for everyone who can't fight back. "Chuck Norris is a renegade cop on a deadly one-way mission for revenge," the announcer said. "His assignment? Action." The announcer added that Norris, whose designated mission code name is Lone Wolf McQuade, will not come back until he gets what's his. Norris plans to repeat the highly dangerous, covert mission again at 2 a.m. Monday on the same channel.

I'm Sorry, Jesus

Oh, Jesus, Lord in Heaven, I am sorry for the many sins that I have committed. I will try to do better in the future and will work to be an upstanding member of your community of faithful followers here on Earth. I am sorry that I don't eat right, Jesus. I often choose fatty desserts, even when a healthy alternative such as fresh fruit cup is made available to me. I routinely choose regular dressing when guilt-free low-fat ranch is among my possible choices. Although I have no weight problem, the pressure to do the right thing is overwhelming.
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Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire

FALMOUTH, MA—Near-tragedy turned to joy Monday, as area residents Phillip and Karen Widman and their two children were saved from their burning house on Locust Street by Kevin Lassally, a homosexual man.

Falmouth resident Kevin Lassally, who likes to hold and kiss other men, is being hailed as a hero after rescuing a family of four from a deadly blaze.

The fire, believed to have started around 1 a.m. when an unextinguished candle ignited a set of drapes, threatened to consume the home and the Widman family along with it. Lassally, returning home after visiting with other homosexuals, smelled smoke and saw flames through the Widmans' living room window.

"I heard children crying, and knew I had to do something," the 34-year-old, gay computer programmer told reporters. "I used their porch railing to climb up on the roofing that underhung the children's bedroom. Then I had to kick in their window to reach them."

Once the window was broken, gusts of wind began funneling smoke out of the house and feeding oxygen into the fire. Said Lassally, "I couldn't see through the black wall of smoke, but I was able to locate the children from the sound of their crying." After the blinded, homosexual Lassally eased Meghan, 3, and Joshua, 18 months, out the window and leapt to the ground, protecting the children by absorbing the impact on his own back, he realized the children's parents had yet to be rescued.

"The oldest child began crying that her parents were still in the house," Lassally, who prefers the company of men to women, said. "So I had to go back in for them." The fearless and gay hero once again climbed onto the roof of the house and entered the second-floor window, only to discover after minutes of groping that the master bedroom was nowhere on the upstairs floor. Bolting down the stairs, he found the first floor to be a red-hot mass of flame and collapsing timbers. He nevertheless located the bedroom and carried the unconscious parents out on his shoulders.

By now a blackened, sooty, homosexual figure, Lassally set the Widmans down a safe distance from the house, just as firefighters were arriving, and collapsed on the lawn, exhausted and gay.

Lassally suffered burns covering over 70 percent of his body and sustained injuries leaving him unable to work or have anal intercourse with men for about two months. Doctors describe his condition as stable but homosexual.

As donations and toys come pouring in to the family, which lost most of its possessions, congratulatory cards and telegrams are being sent to Falmouth's new favorite gay citizen.

"This brave, homosexual man has inspired us all," Falmouth mayor Matthew Colella said. "The local hospital has announced plans to rename its burn ward "The Kevin Lassally Gay Burn Ward."

Karen Widman beamed with praise for their new hero: "He's the kind of guy you hope your kids will grow up to be like in certain ways, like courage."

Added husband Phillip: "Some-times life makes you cynical, like it's you against the world. Then out of nowhere comes a totally selfless gay person who turns your whole view around."

Lassally is modest in the face of so many tributes: "I've always believed that one [homosexual] really can make a difference."