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Hawaiian Punch Physicists Unveil New 500-Megaton Very-Berry Bomb

• Bob Dole Demands Preemptive Recount

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News

  CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—During a campaign swing through lower Texas Monday, Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole demanded a recount of the upcoming 1996 presidential election. more»

  

• Evel Knievel To Attempt Huge Leap In Logic

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News

  LAS VEGAS—Daredevil Evel Knievel, famous for performing thrilling, death-defying, physical feats, will bravely defy common sense at Caesar's Palace this Saturday. more»

  

• Federal Reserve Board Chairman Toughens Dating Standards

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan pledged Monday that "the era of me going out with mediocre-looking broads is over." more»

  

• Chinese, Ants Announce Alliance

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News

  BEIJING, CHINA—The people of China and the world ant community signed a treaty that will establish close relations between the two civilizations. more»

  

• Fog Machine Heightens Drama At Children's Piano Recital

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News in Brief

  SOMERVILLE, MA—A fog machine heightened the drama at a children's piano recital Sunday, injecting considerable tension into an otherwise routine affair. "Right in the middle of Timmy's performance of 'Swanee River,' the smoke machine went off," said the boy's mother, Gloria Reid. "Everyone started to 'ooh' and 'aah.' I was so proud." For the next recital, organizers plan to install a giant, lava-spewing volcano. more»

• Man Captures Ross Perot, Is Granted Three Wishes

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News in Brief

  FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Area resident Darnell Tanner was granted three wishes Monday when he discovered and captured Reform Party presidential candidate Ross Perot in a magic pea patch. "I was just walking along when I saw something rustling among a clump of leaves," Tanner said. "I went closer, and there was Ross Perot, helping a group of tiny bees sprinkle fairy dust. I picked him up, and he told me I could have anything I wanted." According to Tanner, who has spent his first wish on a 50-foot yacht, the Texas billionaire's only condition was that he may never reveal the location of the secret pea patch. "Perot said that if I told anyone, I'd lose all my wishes and be banned from Pretty Pixie Land forever," Tanner said. "He also told me that it's time the American people had a government that worked for them." more»

• Society Tea Party Spoiled By Ocelot

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News in Brief

  LONDON—A formal tea party, hosted by Lady Edwina Wolford-Bingham and attended by many of the finest members of London's high society, was spoiled Sunday by the appearance of an ocelot. "Oh, dear," said Lady Wolford-Bingham, whose father, Lord William Alfred Shropshire-Wolford, was a third cousin of Winston Churchill's. "There appears to be an ocelot at my tea party." In addition to "badly scratching" Lady Catherine Norwich Baker Putnam-Howe, the angry ocelot overturned a number of tables and broke an expensive vase. more»

• Former Marine To Watch Lots Of TV

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News in Brief

  STOCKTON, CA—At a packed press conference Monday, former U.S. Marine Randy Barcynski unveiled his plans to watch lots of television in the coming months. "I am going to watch a hell of a lot of TV," announced the unemployed Barcynski, who served with the 57th Division in the Gulf War, earning two Silver Medals of Distinction. "The Price is Right, One Life to Live, Seinfeld, Cybill, ER—those are just some of the many, many shows I am going to watch." Barcynski added that among the new fall shows, Mr. Rhodes and Party Girl are his favorites, though he stressed that he would watch all the others as well, even those he dislikes. Added Barcynski, "You have no idea how much freaking TV I am going to watch." more»

• Bitch Be Gettin' All That Way

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News in Brief

  DETROIT—Sources revealed Monday that Keshonda Lewis, a played-out, certified stank-ass ho from the Detroit area, be gettin' all that way. "Keshonda think she all that," said Tamika Wilson, 22, a one-time friend of Lewis'. "Well, I got news for you—she ain't." According to Wilson, Lewis "be all like, 'I'm Miss Thang,'" when, in fact, "None of the brothers around the way want a piece of that coochie." President Clinton declined comment on the situation. more»

• Fat-Free Frenzy

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | Infographic

  Despite Health Warnings, Americans are gobbling up fat-free products like never before. Why are we so hungry for them? more»

  

• Voter Apathy

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | Infographic

  Despite many national campaigns to increase turnout, nearly half of all Americans eligible to vote are still staying home on Election Day. Why aren't we voting? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of October 9, 1996

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | Horoscope

  Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aries will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms of your travelling shoes. more»

• Bette Midler Ruptures

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News in Photos

  

• Sausage Storm Grounds Nation's Airliners

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News in Photos

  

• Local Oafs to Spawn

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News in Photos

  

• Busybody Fireman Ruins Suicide Attempt

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | News in Photos

  

• I Saw Fabio at RomantiCon '96!

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | Commentary

  Hate to say it, folks, but your old pal Jean had just about the lousiest summer since the Bay City Rollers canceled their show at the Schenck Ice Arena in June 1977! more»

• Me An' Cletus Is A-Feudin'

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | Commentary

  Shut yer tater trap and listen here— that consarned Cletus an' I is a-feudin' agin', and ain't nothin' on God's green Earth gonna stop me from tannin' his hide but good! more»

• Who Will Win the Base-Ball Matches?

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | Commentary

  My nurse informs me that it is now the autumn-time, which to every red-blooded American boy means the season in which the professional base-ball sporting clubs vie for a berth in the great Championship Series of the World. I predict that the Knickerbockers will give those accursed Red Stockings a sound thrashing. Of course, we can't count out the great Pie Traynor and his Philadelphia Peglegs. more»

• The First Wives Phenomenon

  ISSUE 30•09 | 10.09.96 | American Voices

  The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing? more»