Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness

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Issue 3011

Fourth Tool Discovered

FELK, WY—Carpenters worldwide are celebrating Sunday's discovery of a fourth tool: the screwdriver. Until Monday, laborers had but three tools at their disposal: the saw, the hammer and the rotary belt sander. Though many had speculated that a fourth tool might exist, such theories had not been proven true until carpenter Don Kniftle used a screwdriver to insert screws into particle board. "It occurred to me that my screwdriver could be considered a tool," Kniftle said. "A tool is defined as any instrument worked by hand to assist in a task. For example, if I were to use this wrench here to turn these nuts, it too could be considered a... Hey, wait a minute!"

Man Avoids Messing With Texas

JOPLIN, MO—An area man's aggression toward the Longhorn State was curbed Sunday after he read a bumper sticker that warned, "Don't Mess With Texas." The incident escalated after Joplin resident Jake Vretnar, 31, swore to friends in a drunken tirade that he would "go and fuck up that state." Vretnar boarded his truck for the drive, but cut his trip short upon seeing the bumper sticker. "I guess they're serious," he said.

Family Saved By Three-Way Inflatable Goat

MIAMI—A family of four, rescued Monday after floating in the Gulf of Mexico for nearly two weeks, credited its salvation to the father's aberrant sex toy. The Clowes family and its luggage were swept from the deck of a Carnival Cruise ship during a freak storm. Father Gerald Clowes, a librarian, reluctantly inflated "Pink-Hole: The Three-Way Inflatable Goat" only after his toddler children, Ben and Tricia, began to drown. The two children clung to Pink-Hole for 13 days before being saved by a boat of Haitian refugees.

Pop Stars To Consolidate

LOS ANGELES—Aging pop stars Elton John and Billy Joel will combine into one artist, tentatively named "Billy John," record industry executives announced Monday. The two stars' identical baby-boomer audience, as well as the similarities in their inoffensive, adult-oriented songwriting style, were cited as reasons for the change. "Face it, in today's market, there's just less and less room for more than one artist in this niche," Billy John spokesperson Sol Herberger said. A computer-generated image combining the two singers into one person has already been signed as the new spokesman for Coke, and a deluxe box set will be released this December. If the merger is successful, additional pop mergers have been planned, including a combination of Eric Clapton and Phil Collins.

I Love Being a Hostage

Do you know what I love? I'll give you a hint: I can't speak to my loved ones, I eat irregularly at best and I am miles away from the land I call home. Oops, that's three hints! Oh well. Give up? I love being a hostage, that's what I love!

Drop Dead, Every Last One of You!

I've been a newspaperman all my life. Printer's ink flows through my veins! As my nurse reads me this commemorative "best of" issue of the great Onion news gazette, tears gush from my eyes. Do you realize that you hold in your hands some of the finest journalism ever created? You do not deserve such fine journalism. I wouldn't even pay you to urinate on me.

Look at Me, I'm Doin' Tricks!

Of love I have little, but of tricks I have many. My life is without the toppings with which most people frost their existence. Why? Because I, my friend, am a master trickster, an agent of deception. I forgo your swanky parties and jobs and things so I can spend my time concocting, practicing and perfecting my tricks in order to delude you. But, as it does for every trickster, the time has come for me to reveal my secrets.

Outer Space Discoveries

In the past ten years, the scientific world has enjoyed a tremendous surge in astonomical discovery. What have they learned?

I Am Threatened By Flavor Crystals vs. Flavor Crystals Rock My World!

Go ahead, call me old-fashioned! I don't care if you brazen teenage hoodlums mock me! Maybe my views are not "in," "happening" or "out of this world." They may be unpopular in this depraved era of sin and excess. But they are the words of time-honored truth! I urge all parents and children alike to work in close connection with their families, clergy and local law enforcement personnel to wipe the scourge of Flavor Crystals from our once-great nation's now-blighted shores.

Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size

ATLANTA—The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople, Coke's decision to sell its product in what many consider to be overly large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of consumer demands, but rather on the company's desire to make a resounding display of its corporate might.

U.S. Intelligence Confirms: The Hillbillies Have the Bomb

For the first time since the end of the Cold War, the specter of nuclear armageddon looms over the world, as the Pentagon announced yesterday that a group of hillbillies in central Tennessee has constructed a fully operational 50-megaton nuclear device.

Foppish Dandy Disregards Local Constabulary

Despite repeated appeals to his better judgment and several stern appraisals of disapproval, Mr. M____, of Nortfordshire Suffolk-Wain, a foppish dandy of eccentric reputation, disregarded a number of local constabulary this Thursday last.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness

WINSTON, NC—Americans have known for years that smoking is a direct cause of coolness. But a recent study funded by R.J. Reynolds, Philip Morris and several other cigarette conglomerates proves conclusively that the cool effects of smoking are not limited to the smoker.

In these photos provided by the Tobacco Institute, an average-looking nobody (inset) becomes a really cool guy, simply by sitting near a smoker.

According to the study, secondhand smoke is a leading cause of coolness, and is only slightly less cool than actual smoking.

As a result of the study, cigarette companies are encouraging non-smokers to frequent smoky bars and make friends with smokers. The companies are also speaking out against laws that mandate separate non-smoking areas in public places.

"We are only acting in the interests of the public at large," R.J. Reynolds spokesperson Ron Gronfeld said. "We're not saying non-smokers are going to die as a result of their actions, but we do want to make sure they know they're not as cool as they could be."

Gronfeld referred to a "three-level progression" of coolness that non-smokers experienced in the study. Level one could be observed as soon as the non-smoker sat down at a barstool near a person enjoying a delicious cigarette.

"Even the nerdiest subject we could find somehow appeared cool when interacting with his smoking partner," Gronfeld said. "Just the fact that the subject was brave enough to breathe deadly secondhand smoke established him as a hip, freethinking individual, the kind of person who might one day run with the bulls in Pamplona."

Level two begins after a non-smoker has been in a smoke-filled environment for at least an hour. At this point, the non-smoker's clothes begin to stink of smoke, and he develops a dry, hacking cough. Bronchial fits are directly proportional to mucus overproduction, respiratory cyanosis and coolness. The smelly clothing leads to coolness because the nonsmoker smells to others as if he smokes two or more packs a day, which is a very cool thing to do.

Level three occurs once the non-smoker admits to himself that smoking is cool, and then starts smoking himself. "Even if a former non-smoker only smokes in bars or social situations, we feel as if we have scored a victory," Gronfeld said.

Smokers across the country feel vindicated by the study, claiming it proves what they have believed all along. "It's an exciting time to be a smoker," University of Virginia freshman Gina Pongres said. "It made me look grown- up in high school, and now that I'm older, it just makes me look cool." Her boyfriend, sophomore Tom Willard, agrees. "She always looks sexy smoking at the bars," he said. "I myself don't smoke, but I sure feel cool when I'm with Gina."

David Prochnow, president of United Smokers of America, says there has never been such a good time to seek out the friendship of smokers.

"Cigarette companies need our help," he said. "They want to get Third World countries addicted to American cigarettes, but that's going to take money. Now that this study has been released, I'm confident that even nonsmokers will make donations to cigarette companies, thanking them for the gift of coolness."

Prochnow went on to praise the tobacco companies for adding freon, nicotine and dozens of other poisonous substances to tobacco.

"Anyone would be seen as cool if their bodies were strong enough to handle even one of those chemicals. But smokers, being the coolest people around, have no problem breathing all of them at once," he said. "And breathing those chemicals secondhand is almost as cool."

R.J. Reynolds plans to use the study's findings as evidence this fall, when it petitions the government to encourage smoking among newborns.