ValuJet Cleared To Resume Flights To Ocean Floor

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Issue 3012

White House Blocks Seahawks Punt

SEATTLE—For the third time this year, the White House blocked a key fourth-down punt by Seattle Seahawks kicker Rick Tuten Sunday. "The Seahawks continue to present punts to me that are not in the best interest of the American people," Bill Clinton said, reiterating his 1992 election pledge to prevent any Seahawks punt attempts from becoming law. Congressman George Melcykski (R-WA) blasted Clinton, saying, "The Seahawks badly needed this victory, and that punt block was a crucial turning point." Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala recovered the punt in Seattle's end zone for a touchdown.

Araa Kayboard Bustad

NAW YORK—In a turn of avants that slowad production of vital naws copy this waak, tha kayboard of a wall-known raportar's computar was found bustad in his nawspapar offica. Tha "A" kay, it was discovarad aftar a graat daal of loud swaaring, was mistakanly producing tha charactar "A." "I am vary upsat," tha raportar told raportars outsida his offica. Tha causa of tha bustad kayboard ramains undatarminad, but a sourca closa to tha raportar baliavas tha kayboard may hava baan poundad with undua forca during a spall of writar's block. "Ha probably just couldn't think of anything to writa about," tha sourca said.

Desperate Dole Promises Best Prom Ever

MONTGOMERY, AL—On a final swing through the South, presidential candidate Bob Dole promised that if elected, this spring's prom will be the best ever. "There will be just the right mixture of slow and fast songs—I'll see to that," the weary Republican droned loudly, his eyes red and widened with fatigue. "It will be a memory to last a lifetime. That's the Dole promise. And the band will be good. I heard them play at the Dew Drop Inn with some friends of mine and they were good." Secret Service agents moved in to take Dole off the stage before he could expound upon the prom promise. Dole spokesperson Tom Reid explained that Dole was "fucking insane" at the time.

Clinton Reelected By Wide Margin

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton was reelected president next Tuesday, defeating Republican challenger Bob Dole by several million votes. Among the states won by Clinton: New York, California, Texas, Maryland, Illinois and the critical state of Ohio, not to mention several dozen others. Dole captured Alaska.

Idea To See Mario Van Peebles Movie Occurs To No One

HOLLYWOOD—Tallies from the latest issue of The Hollywood Reporter indicate that the idea to see a Mario Van Peebles movie occurred to no one this week. According to the Reporter story, Terre Haute, IN, video store clerk Susan Heshmer had an idea to re-shelve several Mario Van Peebles movies, but she did not consider actually seeing one. She was merely re-organizing the action section of the Blockbuster Video store in which she works and had to handle the tapes Exterminator 2 and Posse. Solo, the Van Peebles vehicle in which he plays a futuristic android/soldier, is still showing in a handful of budget cinemas, yet has failed to entice any potential moviegoers. Entertainment insiders and statisticians speculate that the idea to see a Mario Van Peebles movie will probably not occur again until 2004, when Van Peebles himself will decide to watch Urban Crossfire.

Video Drones

The home video camera is now a much middle-class household staple as the VCR and the dishwasher. But just what are Americans doing with their cameras?

New Magic Word Discovered

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Spells and Incantations announced Monday the discovery of a new magical word. "Fringle-Stumpf," when spoken clearly by a person in the workplace, will cause that person's employer to become violently ill.

Voting Age Lowered to Six

WASHINGTON—Just hours after Friday's passage of a 28th Amendment granting full voting rights to all U.S. citizens six years of age and older, renowned anti-evil organization RoboForce 5 announced its candidacy in the 1996 presidential election.

I Think I Gained A Pound Today

I think I gained a pound today. Oh my God, I'm sure I did. My midriff is distended by at least an inch and my underarms feel all globby. I am so fat.

After a Long, Hard Campaign, The Three Candidates Head Into The Home Stretch

Bill Clinton is leading most polls by about 15 percent, but that hasn't stopped Bob Dole and El DeBarge. With just days remaining in the 1996 race, and with the president enjoying what appears to be an insurmountable lead, his Republican Party and All-Night Party challengers are doing some serious 11th-hour campaigning.

Comic-Book Store Employee Slated To Talk To Girl

KITCHENER, ONT—The local comics-collecting scene has been abuzz ever since comic-book hobbyist Blaine Thurdlow's announcement Monday that he will spend next Friday evening on a confirmed date with a woman, his first in six years.

I Can Love You Like That

They read you Cinderella, you hoped it would come true, and one day a Prince Charming would come rescue you. You like romantic movies, and you never will forget the way you felt when Romeo kissed Juliet.
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ValuJet Cleared To Resume Flights To Ocean Floor

After more than five months on suspension following a May 1996 crash, ValuJet Airlines has finally been given FAA clearance to resume flights to the ocean floor.

ValuJet's inaugural return flight, Flight 150, is scheduled to leave Miami International Airport early Friday morning. The non-stop flight from Miami to the Atlantic Ocean is expected to arrive at its destination, a deep undersea canyon located some 50 miles off the southern tip of Greenland, at approximately 5 p.m. EST.

According to ValuJet officials, all 279 passengers on-board Flight 150, including U.S. Undersecretary of Transportation William Eggiman and New Orleans Saints backup tight end Pete Washington, will be killed.

A large crowd of fish and sea coral are expected to greet the plane, including a school of sharks who will eat the bodies of the dead passengers.

If Flight 150 goes smoothly, ValuJet will resume a full schedule of ocean-bound flights, including regular routes from New York to the North Sea, Los Angeles to the Marianas Trench, and four non-stops daily from Chicago to Lake Michigan.