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Clinton Invents New Steam-Powered Contraption To Fix Economy

• Blues Musician To U.N.: 'Yemen Done Me Wrong'

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | News

  UNITED NATIONS—Legendary Delta bluesman Willie "Skipbone" Johnson is calling for U.N. sanctions against the Middle Eastern nation of Yemen following what he described as "a low-down dirty deed" against him. more»

  

• Immigration Officials Beef Up U.S.-Mexican Border With Pure Beef

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | News

  EL PASO, TX—In an effort to beef up security measures along the U.S.-Mexican border, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service announced Monday that the border will soon be fortified with 1,200 miles of pure beef. more»

  

• Friendless Woman Bakes, Gives Away Cookies

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | News

  HANWICH, PA—Unremarkable Hanwich resident Jean Blomun, a middle-aged single woman without friends, baked nearly three dozen cookies Sunday night, giving them away the next day to co-workers at the office where she has worked unnoticed for years. more»

  

• New Fox Sitcom Outrageous

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | News

  LOS ANGELES—According to television-industry insiders, the new Fox sitcom scheduled to debut Nov. 17 is outrageous. more»

  

• Black Box Reveals TWA Flight 800 Passengers Missed End of Dragonheart

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—In what may be the most difficult news yet for families of TWA Flight 800 victims, federal investigators revealed Monday that, according to black box evidence, passengers had not finished viewing the in-flight movie Dragonheart before the airplane crashed. more»

  

• Every New Yorker Found Murdered

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Every resident of New York City was found murdered Monday, pronounced dead by coroners flown in from neighboring cities. "The crime rate here in New York has never been higher," New Jersey Gov. Christie Todd Whitman, acting as interim mayor following the murder of Rudolph Giuliani, told reporters. "It is time to begin anew, with newer, hopefully less murderous citizens, maybe from Maine." Police authorities have no living suspects, but believe that the approximately 15 million inhabitants were probably killed by other New Yorkers, who were later also killed. "We have a great deal of forensic evidence, but precious little manpower, as all of the city's police officials are also dead," Whitman said. "The sad truth is, we may never know which New Yorkers killed which other New Yorkers before being killed themselves, and in which order." more»

• Area Doctor: 'Mylanta'

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | News in Brief

  BOSTON—Area gastroenterologist John Kleemer said "Mylanta" this week, according to patient Stanley Thurlong, 49, a longtime heartburn and painful acid indigestion sufferer. "My doctor said Mylanta," Thurlong told reporters Monday at a press conference at the Val-U-Sav Pharmacy where he purchased the non-prescription medication. Liz Nathan, Kleemer's secretary, confirmed the report. "Dr. Kleemer said 'Mylanta,'" she said. more»

• Jamie Crying

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—According to local authorities, Jamie, 17, is crying, reportedly over a post-coital rejection by rock star David Lee Roth. "Although Jamie would feel better if she wrote David a letter, she is crying," said former Van Halen manager Eddie Arnesen. Though sources say Jamie has been in love before, and that she knows what love is for, in this case it was a mere one-night stand, and love should be more than that. Arnesen added that despite the fact that when Roth and Jamie parted, the long-haired, vinyl-clad rocker said, "Gimme a call some time," Jamie knows what that will get her. more»

• Crunch 'N' Munch Increases Crunchiness, Munchability

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | News in Brief

  MUNICH—Popular snack-food item Crunch 'n' Munch, long praised for both its crunchiness and its munchability, became even crunchier and more munchable this week, when Crunch 'n' Munch research teams increased the product's famed "crunchiness" and "munchability" by over 30 percent. "Our goal is to make Crunch 'n' Munch the most crunchy—and munchable—snack-food item we possibly can," said Crunch 'n' Munch's Helmut Krauntz. "When someone feels hungry, whether their desire is to crunch or merely to munch, we want them to turn to our Crunch 'n' Munch products to meet both their crunchiness and munchability needs." more»

• Last Week's Trek Pretty Awesome

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—Last week's Trek—a Next Generation rerun in which the crew of the Enterprise is transported beyond all known dimensions of time and space by a semi-godlike alien evolved beyond all human comprehension—was "pretty awesome," according to reports. "Worf learned a valuable lesson about his adoptive human parents when a hologram created by the energy being confronted him with his troubled past," said longtime Trekker and part-time pizza delivery driver Brad Sponel. "It was pretty awesome." Sources also say that Picard and Crusher almost kissed during a mind-meld sequence, but stopped at the last minute. more»

• Homepage Hysteria

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | Infographic

  With the surging popularity of the Internet, millions of Americans are creating individual websites that express their unique personalitites. What are our reasons for setting up homepages? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | Horoscope

  Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer. more»

• Buggy For Let!

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | Commentary

  For sale! A secondhand buggy in fine and sturdy condition. Previous owner elderly invalid plutocrat. Pony not included. Reasonable terms. Kindly direct any and all inquiries to the Zweibel Estate. more»

• They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | Commentary

  Hola amigos! What's going down? I know it's been a while since I last gave you the gospel according to Anchower, but I had problems like you wouldn't believe. First off, I blew a tire 'cause my alignment was messed up, but my alignment couldn't be fixed until I replaced my master bearing. Plus, my clutch cable broke for the second time 'cause the firewall is bent in. Hombres, this ain't been an easy time in the life of Jim Anchower. more»

• I've Got A Lot Of Bad Ideas

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | Commentary

  Ideas! The sign of a vigorous mind. Ideas! The noblest product of man. Ideas! I love them! I am a man of ideas! I've got tens of ideas! And they're all bad! more»

• Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | Advice

  Connie Vance's weekly syndicated advice column, Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night, appears in over 250 papers nationwide. more»

• Captivated By Carolyn

  ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | American Voices

  Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy"? more»

• Baseball Hero Hits Homer For Dying Billionaire

• Bob Hope Remembered

• Soul Train Descontinues Service To Des Moines

• Jews Begin To Make Presence Felt In Entertainment Law