Black Box Reveals TWA Flight 800 Passengers Missed End of Dragonheart

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Issue 3014

New Fox Sitcom Outrageous

LOS ANGELES—According to television-industry insiders, the new Fox sitcom scheduled to debut Nov. 17 is outrageous.

Last Week's Trek Pretty Awesome

LOS ANGELES—Last week's Trek—a Next Generation rerun in which the crew of the Enterprise is transported beyond all known dimensions of time and space by a semi-godlike alien evolved beyond all human comprehension—was "pretty awesome," according to reports. "Worf learned a valuable lesson about his adoptive human parents when a hologram created by the energy being confronted him with his troubled past," said longtime Trekker and part-time pizza delivery driver Brad Sponel. "It was pretty awesome." Sources also say that Picard and Crusher almost kissed during a mind-meld sequence, but stopped at the last minute.

Crunch 'N' Munch Increases Crunchiness, Munchability

MUNICH—Popular snack-food item Crunch 'n' Munch, long praised for both its crunchiness and its munchability, became even crunchier and more munchable this week, when Crunch 'n' Munch research teams increased the product's famed "crunchiness" and "munchability" by over 30 percent. "Our goal is to make Crunch 'n' Munch the most crunchy—and munchable—snack-food item we possibly can," said Crunch 'n' Munch's Helmut Krauntz. "When someone feels hungry, whether their desire is to crunch or merely to munch, we want them to turn to our Crunch 'n' Munch products to meet both their crunchiness and munchability needs."

Jamie Crying

LOS ANGELES—According to local authorities, Jamie, 17, is crying, reportedly over a post-coital rejection by rock star David Lee Roth. "Although Jamie would feel better if she wrote David a letter, she is crying," said former Van Halen manager Eddie Arnesen. Though sources say Jamie has been in love before, and that she knows what love is for, in this case it was a mere one-night stand, and love should be more than that. Arnesen added that despite the fact that when Roth and Jamie parted, the long-haired, vinyl-clad rocker said, "Gimme a call some time," Jamie knows what that will get her.

I've Got A Lot Of Bad Ideas

Ideas! The sign of a vigorous mind. Ideas! The noblest product of man. Ideas! I love them! I am a man of ideas! I've got tens of ideas! And they're all bad!

Friendless Woman Bakes, Gives Away Cookies

HANWICH, PA—Unremarkable Hanwich resident Jean Blomun, a middle-aged single woman without friends, baked nearly three dozen cookies Sunday night, giving them away the next day to co-workers at the office where she has worked unnoticed for years.

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

Hola amigos! What's going down? I know it's been a while since I last gave you the gospel according to Anchower, but I had problems like you wouldn't believe. First off, I blew a tire 'cause my alignment was messed up, but my alignment couldn't be fixed until I replaced my master bearing. Plus, my clutch cable broke for the second time 'cause the firewall is bent in. Hombres, this ain't been an easy time in the life of Jim Anchower.

Buggy For Let!

For sale! A secondhand buggy in fine and sturdy condition. Previous owner elderly invalid plutocrat. Pony not included. Reasonable terms. Kindly direct any and all inquiries to the Zweibel Estate.

Area Doctor: 'Mylanta'

BOSTON—Area gastroenterologist John Kleemer said "Mylanta" this week, according to patient Stanley Thurlong, 49, a longtime heartburn and painful acid indigestion sufferer. "My doctor said Mylanta," Thurlong told reporters Monday at a press conference at the Val-U-Sav Pharmacy where he purchased the non-prescription medication. Liz Nathan, Kleemer's secretary, confirmed the report. "Dr. Kleemer said 'Mylanta,'" she said.

Blues Musician To U.N.: 'Yemen Done Me Wrong'

UNITED NATIONS—Legendary Delta bluesman Willie "Skipbone" Johnson is calling for U.N. sanctions against the Middle Eastern nation of Yemen following what he described as "a low-down dirty deed" against him.

Every New Yorker Found Murdered

NEW YORK—Every resident of New York City was found murdered Monday, pronounced dead by coroners flown in from neighboring cities. "The crime rate here in New York has never been higher," New Jersey Gov. Christie Todd Whitman, acting as interim mayor following the murder of Rudolph Giuliani, told reporters. "It is time to begin anew, with newer, hopefully less murderous citizens, maybe from Maine." Police authorities have no living suspects, but believe that the approximately 15 million inhabitants were probably killed by other New Yorkers, who were later also killed. "We have a great deal of forensic evidence, but precious little manpower, as all of the city's police officials are also dead," Whitman said. "The sad truth is, we may never know which New Yorkers killed which other New Yorkers before being killed themselves, and in which order."

Clinton Invents New Steam-Powered Contraption To Fix Economy

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton, in a bold move toward economic restructuring, announced the financial agenda for his second term Monday: economic stimulation through application of the "Fabulous Financiamalizer," a fanciful steam-powered contraption of his own devising.

Homepage Hysteria

With the surging popularity of the Internet, millions of Americans are creating individual websites that express their unique personalitites. What are our reasons for setting up homepages?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Black Box Reveals TWA Flight 800 Passengers Missed End of Dragonheart

WASHINGTON, DC—In what may be the most difficult news yet for families of TWA Flight 800 victims, federal investigators revealed Monday that, according to black box evidence, passengers had not finished viewing the in-flight movie Dragonheart before the airplane crashed.

FBI officials collect some of the wreckage of TWA Flight 800, on which 288 people were tragically killed before being able to see the end of the in-flight movie, <I>Dragonheart </I> (inset).

"As far as we can determine by analysis of the on-board flight recorder," said National Air Traffic Safety Board investigator Gina Paz, "a violent explosion in the plane's fuselage caused the plane to go down, terminating Dragonheart before its exciting completion."

A visibly shaken Paz paused for a moment before adding, "There were roughly 20 minutes remaining in this magical, fanciful Universal Pictures release that the victims never got to see."

"This is a terrible tragedy," said U.S. Transportation Secretary Federico Peña. "One thousand years ago, two sworn enemies—a dragonslaying knight and the last remaining dragon—formed an incredible alliance to battle tyranny in the land. No one deserves to die in the middle of such a tale."

Though the Dragonheart disaster is still under investigation, the NATSB did release several seconds of tape recordings from Flight 800's black box. On the tape, screams and loud sobbing can be heard as the popular Dennis Quaid/ Sean Connery film inexplicably stops in mid-reel following a complete loss of cabin pressure.

"My God! The screen's gone out! We're going down! Does Bowen slay the dragon? Or does he resist and honor their unlikeliest of friendships?!" a woman can be heard wailing on the tape.

Also captured by the black box is an elderly man, who shouts: "What happened? What happened to Julie Christie in her first big-screen performance in over five years?"

According to Irwin Schifrin, the NATSB technician in charge of reviewing TWA's in-flight recorder tapes, there was little indication of trouble prior to the explosion.

"Right up to the moment of the explosion, everything was proceeding normally," Schifrin said. "Passengers responded well to Quaid's portrayal of the idealistic armored knight. There was a brief moment of trouble at the beginning, when some passengers had a hard time accepting Connery as the dragon's voice, but it passed without incident. Then, you can hear the explosion. Not long after that, the movie stopped—and the screaming began."

To help ease the pain of the victims' families, TWA is sending each of them their own copy of Dragonheart.

"It's the least we could do," said TWA spokesman Malcolm Schlesinger. "Even if the victims never lived to see the end of the movie, at least now their loved ones can.