Bob Dole Released Back Into Wild
RUSSELL, KS—After completing a distinguished career in politics spanning nearly 50 years, former Republican presidential nominee Bob Dole was re-released into his native prairie ...
Issue 3017
Area Stores Stock Up On Shit
CHICAGO—With the official start of the holiday season just days away, Chicago retailers—like those across the U.S.—are bracing for the coming ...
New Old People Magazine Gives Old People Something To Read While Waiting To Die
The tedious pre-death "waiting period" endured by still-alive senior citizens became slightly less boring Tuesday, with the introduction of Old People magazine.
Local Yak Makes Plea For Greater Understanding Between the Sexes
ULAAN BAATAR, MONGOLIA—Fed up with the way men and women "sabotage perfectly good relationships by failing to communicate," a local yak made a public ...
Area Male Extroverted
PHILADELPHIA—At any given moment, Randy Grebcyk might initiate a conversation with a total stranger.
Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day
WILMINGTON, NC—n a rare case of violence-powered time travel, Wilmington resident Phil Zipper was smacked into this week by a forceful blow delivered by ...
Bangladesh Runs Out Of People
DHAKA, BANGLADESH—A devastating typhoon claimed the lives of the final 290,000 people in Bangladesh Tuesday, reducing the Southeast Asian nation's population to ...
Goodyear Unveils New, Circular Tires
AKRON, OH—The Goodyear rubber company unveiled a brand new, perfectly round tire Monday, one that it says will replace all its earlier models of ...
All U.S. Males Renamed Dudley
WASHINGTON, DC—An emergency session of Congress rushed into passage Monday legislation changing the first names of all American males to Dudley. "Dudley is a ...
Barbra Streisand To Take Rare Public Dump
LOS ANGELES—Barbra Streisand fans worldwide are clamoring for tickets to the singer's first public defecation since her sold-out Carnegie Hall dump in 1975 ...
Best-Selling Video Games
What were the most popular games for Nintendo 64, Sega Saturn and Sony Play Station in 1996?
Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1996
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.
The Packers Rule! vs. For 500 Years My People Have Been Tortured And Persecuted, Slaves In Our Own Land
Let me tell you this, my friend: The Green Bay Packers rule! Brett Favre, Reggie White and the boys are going all the way this ...
Medical Marijuana
California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of doctors being allowed to ...
