WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the 104th U.S. Congress were baffled Monday, their imaginations taxed beyond all reasonable limits by a mind-bending M.C. Escher ...

Ever since Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel was first awarded the honor in 1921, The Onion's Man Of The Year has ranked among the ...

BUTLER, OH—A four-month-old veal calf revealed Monday that topping its Christmas list this year is a quick, painless death. "I would like the end ...

WASHINGTON, DC—In the first-ever appointment of its kind, President Clinton named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Bethesda, MD, boy who has Down Syndrome, the U ...

QUEENS, NY—Hundreds of demons were left hovering bodiless over New York's Creedmore Mental Hospital Sunday, as a fire consumed the facility, killing all ...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to Tallahassee resident Bud Courson, local bastards Dewey Bostock and Dewayne Buckner picked the wrong guy to mess with this time. "They ...

More and more of America's children are diagnosed with ADD every year. Why?

In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant.

NEW YORK—Saying it is time to "get tough on hitters," Acting Commissioner of Baseball Bud Selig announced Monday the adoption of a hard-line Three-Strikes-You ...

VATICAN CITY—In conjunction with the release of his latest album, MixMaster FunkBlaster Pope-a-Fied To The T.O.P., His Holiness Pope John Paul II ...

South Carolina came under fire recently for flying the Confederate flag over its state capitol, and Georgia has been under pressure for several years to ...