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New Remote Control Can Be Operated By Remote

• Mothership Accidentally Descends On Hootie Concert

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News

  ROSEMONT, IL—Confusion and awkwardness resulted Monday when the P-Funk Mothership, outer-space chariot of Dr. Funkenstein and the Star Child, accidentally descended upon a sold-out Hootie and the Blowfish concert at the Rosemont Horizon arena in suburban Chicago. more»

  

• Beloved Minister Dies Just As He Lived—Of A Heart Attack

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News

  SHADY CORNERS, VT—The people of Shady Corners (pop. 712), a sleepy little town near the Vermont-New Hampshire border, came out in full force Sunday to say goodbye to the man they knew as their pastor, their neighbor and their friend: Rev. Walter Booth. more»

  

• Larry Flynt Has Sex With Own Mother In Outhouse

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News

  KNOB CREEK, KY—According to reports, Flynt placed his mother "face-first in an outhouse shit-hole" and "took her from behind like a dog." more»

  

• Amnesty International Demands Gentler Soap For Indonesian Political Prisoner

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News

  EAST TIMOR—Human-rights activists say that regular soaps can leave Sampit Ujungpandang's skin feeling dry and flaky. more»

  

• Madeline Albright Sworn In As Secretary

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—In a special ceremony at the White House Monday, Madeline Albright was sworn in as the nation's 43rd U.S. Secretary, the highest government position ever held by a woman. President Clinton praised Albright, citing her excellent organizational skills and pleasant phone voice. "Miss Albright will make an excellent Secretary," Clinton told the assembled reporters. "As a pioneer in the receptionist field, she is an inspiration to young women everywhere." Clinton vowed that Albright would make the timely serving of coffee her "top priority." Albright's other duties will include some light typing and filing. Albright left a similar position in the principal's office at Lakeview Junior High School in Rockville, MD, to accept the U.S. Secretary post. more»

• Russians To Build, Tear Down Statue

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News in Brief

  ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—In a move certain to maintain instability in Russia, citizens of St. Petersburg unveiled plans at an anti-Yeltsin rally Monday to build an enormous stone statue and then tear it down. The monument will be a 1,000-foot-tall likeness of Aleksandr Kovalev, the right-wing, hard-line army general who is currently involved in a power struggle with Yeltsin. The statue will be erected in St. Petersburg's town square, where citizens angry with the government's failed economic reforms and political instability are calling for the statue's immediate construction and dismantling. "We will build this great statue to honor this great man," St. Petersburg resident Vassily Kerensky said. "Then, we will tear down this symbol of oppression which has tyrannically lorded over us for far too long." When informed of the citizens' plans, Kovalev praised the construction of the statue and expressed rage over its destruction. more»

• Area Man Has Shitty Fuckin' Job

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News in Brief

  CLEVELAND, OH—Cleveland-area resident Douglas Torricelli, 34, announced Monday that his full-time job with Seifert's Cement and Gravel, which he has held for nearly two years, is a shitty fuckin' job. "I don't know why I work in that shit hole," he said. "That's one shitty fuckin' job I've got." Torricelli cited as key reasons for his announcement the job's long-ass hours and bullshit pay. He went on to strongly condemn his fat, asshole boss and the stupid fucking idiots he has to work with. He also assailed the goddamned bus he must ride every morning, which he claims is a living hell. Added Torricelli: "I could care less about fucking Seifert's Cement and Gravel." Torricelli is expected to arrive at work tomorrow morning as scheduled. more»

• Entertainment Tonight Host 'Can't Wait' To See New Paramount Pictures Release

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News in Brief

  HOLLYWOOD, CA—Bob Goen, co-host of Paramount Television's popular Entertainment Tonight program told co-host Mary Hart on air Monday that he "can't wait" to see the upcoming Paramount Pictures action-adventure release, Ring Of Fire, starring Bruce Willis and William Baldwin. "This is the movie everybody's talking about," Goen said, reading from a studio teleprompter to ET's national television audience. "The buzz around Hollywood is that the special effects are out of this world," he added. Goen reportedly spent much of Sunday afternoon studying the publicity packet for the film. Goen's boss, Paramount Pictures executive Ira Niven, said he believes the film will be "a real treat" for Goen. Paramount publicity head Ellyn Clark said she expects Goen to "absolutely love" the film. more»

• Day Care Dilemma

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | Infographic

  With single parent and two parent working families on the rise, how are Americans dealing with the problem of day care? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of February 5, 1997

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | Horoscope

  Your enjoyment of a Vancouver Canucks hockey game will be spoiled when the stadium organist tries to seduce you by repeatedly mentioning that he is the stadium organist. more»

  

• Jawa Appointed Secretary Of Transportation

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News in Photos

  

• Area Juggler Juggles Family, Juggling

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News in Photos

  

• Parents Fight To Remove Cartoon Characters From Industrial Solvents

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News in Photos

  

• Terminally Ill Serpent Renounces Symbolic Ties With Evil

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | News in Photos

  

• If You're Hiring, I Need A Job, And I Don't Mean Maybe

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | Commentary

  Hola amigos. How's your bacon shakin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had the weight of the world resting on my shoulders. more»

• I Miss My Old Sled

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | Commentary

  I have been informed that winter has been upon us for a good month now. It is during this long season that my thoughts invariably turn to my childhood so long ago in the Oregon Territory. My dominant memory of those times is of snow, snow and more snow. Snow whirling about in great billows; snow piled in huge, sloping drifts; snow coming to rest against the rough-hewn timbers and window-panes of my mother's boarding-house. more»

• Heads Need To Be Cracked In!

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | Commentary

  I know I speak for every organism that has ever existed on the planet when I say that heads need to be cracked in, fast. Cracking people's fucking heads in was my first love, and it shall be my last. more»

• You The Man vs. No, You The Man

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | Point/Counterpoint

  You the man, know what I'm sayin'? You the man! You it, baby. Ain't nobody else. Nobody. more»

• Scientologists In Germany

  ISSUE 31•04 | 02.05.97 | American Voices

  The German government recently issued a series of crackdowns against members of the Church of Scientology, sparking numerous protests by big-name Hollywood stars. What do you think? more»