Amnesty International Demands Gentler Soap For Indonesian Political Prisoner

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Issue 3104

Entertainment Tonight Host 'Can't Wait' To See New Paramount Pictures Release

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Bob Goen, co-host of Paramount Television's popular Entertainment Tonight program told co-host Mary Hart on air Monday that he "can't wait" to see the upcoming Paramount Pictures action-adventure release, Ring Of Fire, starring Bruce Willis and William Baldwin. "This is the movie everybody's talking about," Goen said, reading from a studio teleprompter to ET's national television audience. "The buzz around Hollywood is that the special effects are out of this world," he added. Goen reportedly spent much of Sunday afternoon studying the publicity packet for the film. Goen's boss, Paramount Pictures executive Ira Niven, said he believes the film will be "a real treat" for Goen. Paramount publicity head Ellyn Clark said she expects Goen to "absolutely love" the film.

Area Man Has Shitty Fuckin' Job

CLEVELAND, OH—Cleveland-area resident Douglas Torricelli, 34, announced Monday that his full-time job with Seifert's Cement and Gravel, which he has held for nearly two years, is a shitty fuckin' job. "I don't know why I work in that shit hole," he said. "That's one shitty fuckin' job I've got." Torricelli cited as key reasons for his announcement the job's long-ass hours and bullshit pay. He went on to strongly condemn his fat, asshole boss and the stupid fucking idiots he has to work with. He also assailed the goddamned bus he must ride every morning, which he claims is a living hell. Added Torricelli: "I could care less about fucking Seifert's Cement and Gravel." Torricelli is expected to arrive at work tomorrow morning as scheduled.

Russians To Build, Tear Down Statue

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—In a move certain to maintain instability in Russia, citizens of St. Petersburg unveiled plans at an anti-Yeltsin rally Monday to build an enormous stone statue and then tear it down. The monument will be a 1,000-foot-tall likeness of Aleksandr Kovalev, the right-wing, hard-line army general who is currently involved in a power struggle with Yeltsin. The statue will be erected in St. Petersburg's town square, where citizens angry with the government's failed economic reforms and political instability are calling for the statue's immediate construction and dismantling. "We will build this great statue to honor this great man," St. Petersburg resident Vassily Kerensky said. "Then, we will tear down this symbol of oppression which has tyrannically lorded over us for far too long." When informed of the citizens' plans, Kovalev praised the construction of the statue and expressed rage over its destruction.

Madeline Albright Sworn In As Secretary

WASHINGTON, DC—In a special ceremony at the White House Monday, Madeline Albright was sworn in as the nation's 43rd U.S. Secretary, the highest government position ever held by a woman. President Clinton praised Albright, citing her excellent organizational skills and pleasant phone voice. "Miss Albright will make an excellent Secretary," Clinton told the assembled reporters. "As a pioneer in the receptionist field, she is an inspiration to young women everywhere." Clinton vowed that Albright would make the timely serving of coffee her "top priority." Albright's other duties will include some light typing and filing. Albright left a similar position in the principal's office at Lakeview Junior High School in Rockville, MD, to accept the U.S. Secretary post.

Heads Need To Be Cracked In!

I know I speak for every organism that has ever existed on the planet when I say that heads need to be cracked in, fast. Cracking people's fucking heads in was my first love, and it shall be my last.

I Miss My Old Sled

I have been informed that winter has been upon us for a good month now. It is during this long season that my thoughts invariably turn to my childhood so long ago in the Oregon Territory. My dominant memory of those times is of snow, snow and more snow. Snow whirling about in great billows; snow piled in huge, sloping drifts; snow coming to rest against the rough-hewn timbers and window-panes of my mother's boarding-house.
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Amnesty International Demands Gentler Soap For Indonesian Political Prisoner

EAST TIMOR—The human rights organization Amnesty International launched a high-pressure publicity campaign Monday on behalf of Timorese political prisoner Sampit Ujungpandang, calling for him to be given access to "gentler, less abrasive facial soaps immediately."

Describing the "shocking lack of adequate skin moisturizers" in Ujungpandang's 4'x4' prison cell, the group claims that if he is not given higher-quality cleansers soon, the 43-year-old resistance leader will suffer "excessive facial drying, flaking and wrinkling, causing his skin to appear years older."

"All human beings have the right to healthier, younger-looking skin," said Ellen Clark, Amnesty International spokesperson.

Imprisoned since 1976, Ujungpandang was captured in May of that year after death squad commandos wiped out his family during Indonesia's internationally condemned annexation of East Timor. Wrote the jailed resistance leader from his cell in 1991, "[Indonesian president] Suharto's soldiers may bruise my body and torture me to the verge of death, but my spirit—the spirit of freedom for all people—can never be broken. Though they burn my testicles with red-hot iron pincers, they will never touch my soul."

The U.S. government, which since the mid-'70s has deferred imposing sanctions on the oil-rich Indonesian government despite calls for condemnation by human rights watchdogs worldwide, has thus far resisted intervening on behalf of Ujungpandang.

According to Amnesty International, political prisoner Sampit Ujungpandang, shown here in a secret surveillance video, is being jailed without access to high-quality moisturizing soap.

"The United States is not prepared to condemn Indonesia for inadequately mild facial scrubs, nor will it take the position that such scrubs as have been presently employed are excessively harsh. This skin-sensitivity issue is a question best left to policy-makers within Indonesia," read an official State Department press release. "We also deny shipping Suharto those last several boatloads of chemical weapons."

According to one Indonesia expert, Ujungpandang's plight should cause Americans to put their problems in perspective.

"In terms of living conditions, Indonesia is light-years behind the United States," said J. Arthur Schaeffer, Yale University professor of Southeast Asian Studies. "Here in America, our prosperity has placed us beyond such recurring Third World problems as dry, flyaway hair, lack of rec room space, and problem household odors."

"In fact," Schaeffer continued, "in Indonesia, facial tissue doesn't even contain any aloe vera lotion. We're talking about lotion which is absolutely vital to preventing one's nose from feeling raw and irritated after prolonged bouts of sneezing, something we as Americans take for granted as one of our basic human rights."

Despite the U.S. government's reluctance to come to Ujungpandang's aid, word of the jailed resistance leader's plight is spreading among the international human rights community.

"When I think of that poor man, his pores becoming clogged and irritated, his skin losing its luster, day after day, my heart goes out to him," said Roberto Guerrero of the Berkeley-based FreedomNow! organization. "It is up to us, the citizenry of the world's most privileged nations, to be aware that not all people have access to the same moisturizing and skin care that we enjoy here at home. Please help us help Ujungpandang before his skin ages prematurely."

Ujungpandang could not be reached for comment, as he was busy hanging upside down, face-first, in an electrified tub of water, having the soles of his feet beaten at the time.

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