Yes Lyrics To Be Added To New Testament

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Issue 3106

Sex Officials Add New Base Between Second And Third

WASHINGTON, DC—Adolescents across the nation were thrilled by the U.S. Sex Department's announcement Monday that a new base will soon be added. According to Sex Department spokesperson Pat Phelps, the added base will immediately follow second, the touching of breasts, and precede third, the touching of genitals. The new base will involve "the sliding of the hand between the butt cheeks." Sex officials stressed that the base would only be considered reached if the plane of the outer buttocks is broken by the edge of the hand. Baltimore resident Todd Kerr, 15, reported reaching the new base Tuesday with Suzy Hebert, 14, but U.S. sex officials are disputing the claim, asking Kerr to "prove it."

Out-Of-State License Plate Seen

SEYMOUR, IN—In a rare instance of roadway variety, a license plate from a far-away state was spotted on Maple Lane Tuesday. The exact state from which the vehicle originated was not known, as it was too far away for witnesses to make out the license's fine print. "I think it might have been from New York, because I think I saw that picture of the Statue of Liberty in the middle," said Milton Herkimer, who lives at 45 Maple Lane. "But maybe it was a pelican." Neighbor MarySue Petersen said she "thought it said 'California' across the top," but acknowledged that "I didn't have my reading glasses on at the time." Despite widely varying descriptions of the license plate, all agreed that it was "not from Indiana."

IRS Now Requiring Taxpayers To Tip

WASHINGTON, DC—Internal Revenue Service officials pushed legislation through Congress Monday requiring all taxpayers to add a gratuity of "no less than 12 percent" to 1997 income-tax payments. "We work hard," IRS director Hiram Stockton said, "and, apparently, many taxpayers don't realize that IRS agents rely on tips to make ends meet." The new era of mandatory tipping is expected to be a boon for IRS agents, many of whom say they could not subsist on the voluntary, often-meager tips of the past. "We process forms in a timely fashion, send out refunds promptly, and always stop by each taxpayer's home to ask, 'Is everything all right here? Can I get you anything else?' as often as we can during the tax-filing season," IRS processing agent XJRC-1582H-GY3-5 said. Families with eight or more dependents will have a 20 percent gratuity automatically added to their tax bill. Failure to tip will result in a $50,000 fine and/or up to 15 years in federal prison.

Former Presidents Convene For Liver Spot Summit

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Liver spots topped the agenda this weekend at a summit held by the four living former U.S. presidents. Meeting at Gerald Ford's Southern California ranch, the presidents discussed numerous liver-spot-related issues. Jimmy Carter reported having them on his arms. "I have them all over my face," Gerald Ford said. "I also have them on my chest." Secret Service agents were dispatched several times in Air Force Two to procure special, security-cleared vials of Pond's Medicated Cream for the talks. Also on the summit agenda: wheezing, moving from a seated to standing position, and arm fat. Secret Service costs for protecting the four living ex-presidents amounted to $27 billion for the three-day summit.

The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

Item! X-Files star Ann Gillian is now X-Wife Ann Gillian. According to one of my better inside sources, the deadly agent with a license to thrill was taking too many risks for her husband's liking. So, he packed the china, and it was adios! Can you believe some guy would walk out on America's sexiest CIA agent? Somebody ought to check his pulse! Anyway, if you're reading this column, Ann, I'm still free this Saturday night!

That Wisecracking Duck Is A Pest

Last week, I became highly displeased with my nurse's inability to read to me. She speaks as though her mouth is full of porridge, and it is agony watching her great, fat lips make mush of the effervescent prose of Horatio Alger.

Hi, I Have Cancer

Hi there! What'cha up to? Just hanging out? Me, too. My name's Jerry. I have cancer.

Air Force Follies

In the past few weeks, U.S. Air Force pilots have been involved in a number of dangerous incidents involving irresponsible flying. Most notable were two incidents in New Jersey last week, in which F-16 jets chased commercial airliners out of their flight patterns. What do you think?

Stress Relief Tips

Did you know that 9 out of 10 Americans experience stress at least once a day?* In this fast-paced, high-pressure society of ours, it’s easy to become "stressed out." Here are a few handy tips for coping:
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Yes Lyrics To Be Added To New Testament

VATICAN CITY—In the first-ever union of the Word of God and the Synthesizer, the Catholic Church's College of Cardinals voted unanimously Monday to incorporate the lyrics of Yes into the New Testament.

An airbrushed Italian painting (circa 1974) depicting Christ as He is laid to rest in and around the lake. The revised account of the Passion, found in the Book of Bruford, is one of many changes to be found in the new, Yes-inclusive Holy Bible.

The resulting new Bible, the Revised Standard YesScriptures, will replace the Jerusalem Bible of 1966 as the standard accepted record and vehicle of divine revelation.

"Let us rejoice in this momentous occasion," said Pope John Paul II in a special service at St. Peter's. "And let no man be unmoved, remembering the words of Jesus: 'In and around the lake, mountains come out of the sky, and they stand there.' Amen."

In addition to a number of new sections, including the four-part Book of Bruford (a. Cord of Life; b. Eclipse; c. The Preacher; d. The Apocalypse), the revised YesScriptures will feature a dazzling, airbrushed gatefold by artist Roger Dean.

Perhaps the most significant change is a more complete history of the life of Christ. In the revised account of Christ's temptation by Satan, the Lord and Savior is brought to a mountaintop overlooking a pastel landscape filled with exotic, half-melted rock formations and wispy, cloudlike trees. Christ, though tempted, "can see all good people turn their heads each day, and, so satisfied, He continues on His way."

Christ's rejection of the Lord Of Lies is then followed by a 16-minute keyboard solo by synthesizer maestro Rick Wakeman.

"God's word is not always clear, and neither is the path Jesus wants us to take in life," New York's Cardinal O'Connor said of the new scriptures. "But when Jesus tells His disciples at the Last Supper to eat of His body and drink of His blood, for 'He can feel no sense of measure, no illusions as He taketh refuge in young man's pleasure,' I as a Christian take comfort in these words."

Despite being called for by pro-Yes movements within the Church for decades, the decision marks the first official Catholic acknowledgement of Yes-inclusive language and Yes-positive Biblical interpretations as actually being the Divine Word.

"The Holy See's decision is a victory for progressives everywhere," said Jethro Tull frontman and longtime Christian Ian Anderson. "The updated Bible passages reflect the tremendously significant role that the concept album plays in our modern lives."

The Catholic Church is not the first religious sect to embrace progressive-rock reform. Since 1974, Reform Jews have, as part of Rosh Hashanah services, sung verses from The Book Of Genesis Featuring Peter Gabriel. For years, Unitarian educators have taught the works of Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, including Brain Salad Surgery.

Though the majority of Bible scholars are welcoming the new YesScriptures, a small minority stands strongly opposed.

"The messages in the YesScriptures are rarely clear and almost always of questionable morality," said Michael Fox, chair of Yale University's Divinity School. "While Christ's message may seem obvious when, in Howe 3:16, He sayeth unto James the Lesser: 'Owner of a lonely heart, yea, much better than thee, O owner of a broken heart,' it is possible that this passage contains intended irony on the part of the Savior, and that the verse actually signifies a message of profound sympathy for the broken-hearted heart-owners of Mankind."

"The Word of God is the rock upon which we have built the Catholic Church," Fox concluded. "It is not Fragile."

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