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Clinton Grants Hot 101.5 FM Most-Favored Station Status

• Guatemala Man Wins Guatemalan National Lottery

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News

  GUATEMALA CITY—Alvaro Rodriguez, the first winner of the new Guatemalan "Scratch 'n' Win" national lottery, is now the proud owner of his own sewing machine, a 1945-model Singer XS-100. more»

  

• Miracle Sports Bottle Has Name Of Bank On Side

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News

  SHIOCTON, WI—The banking and portable beverage communities were thrown into an uproar Sunday with the discovery of a plastic sports bottle mysteriously bearing the corporate logo of a local financial institution. more»

  

• Dying Child Gets Last Wish

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News

  MIDVALE, CA—The intensive care ward of Midvale Children's Hospital might not seem like the likeliest place for a happy story. But tragedy, if only for one brief moment, turned to celebration here this week when doctors brought a moment of joy into the life of Timmy Porter. more»

  

• Scientists Discover Third Cindy Crawford Facial Expression

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News

  CAMBRIDGE, MA—This is the first discovery in this field since physicist Richard Feynman isolated Lauren Hutton's "aloof pout" in 1974. more»

  

• Army Cadets Under Investigation For 'Killing'

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News

  FORT BENNING, GA—The defense secretary has ordered a full investigation into all rumored cases of Army-related killing. more»

  

• Detective Endangers Own Life By Looking Forward To Upcoming Retirement

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Police detective Ed "Rusty" Hodges, who has served the Chicago Police Department with distinction for more than 45 years, placed his life in severe jeopardy Monday by announcing that he is looking forward to his retirement at the end of this week. "Retirement is gonna be sweet," Hodges boldly told reporters. "Just one more big drug bust Friday over in Junkietown, then me and the wife are off to Tahiti in the yacht we've been saving up for our whole lives." Experts say Hodges' chances of surviving Friday's bust are infinitesimally small, but note that Hodges' partner loves him like a brother and won't rest until he tracks down the bastard who did it. more»

• Members Of U2 To Stare In Different Directions

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News in Brief

  DUBLIN—In what many record- industry insiders are calling a return to the band's mid-'80s prime, members of U2 announced Monday plans to stare in different directions. Guitarist The Edge said he will stand slightly behind lead singer Bono and stare off to his right, as if gazing purposefully into an uncertain, yet hopeful, future. Bassist Adam Clayton will stare downward, burdened by the weight of injustices all over the world. Drummer Larry Mullen Jr. will look up, as if searching for guidance from a higher power. Lead singer Bono has still not committed to a specific position, saying, "That is a decision I can only make in the actual moment of artistic creation. But it'll be a different direction than the other three, you can count on that, brother!" The multi-directional staring is expected to take place atop a jagged, rocky peak. more»

• Dancing Costumed Midgets Celebrate Death Of Deng Xiaoping

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News in Brief

  MUNCHKINLAND, OZ—Elated Munchkins celebrated the release of their Chinese protectorate province Wednesday following the death of Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping Sunday. "Deng, Deng, Xiaoping is dead," sang a choreographed crowd of whimsical, somersaulting dwarves upon hearing the announcement of Deng's death. Deng, 92, succumbed to pneumonia, a condition exacerbated by his being crushed under a falling house. The Lollipop Guild has officially begun an investigation into the whereabouts of the drab uniform shoes Deng was wearing upon his death. more»

• Congress Orders Clerk To See If He Has Any In The Back

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Retail clerk Tony Bellarusso was ordered by the U.S. Congress Monday to see if he has any in the back. "See if you have any more in the back, would you?" said Rep. Daniel Gable (R-FL) as he slapped the store countertop angrily. If no more are in the back, Beltway insiders predict Congress will check that other place down on Massachusetts Avenue. more»

• Pile Of Crap Excites Publicist

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Thomas Hill, publicist for the Scarsdale & Loeb Group, expressed his excitement over a great big pile of crap Thursday. "I'm really excited about the marketing possibilities for this enormous heap of worthless crap," said Hill. "There's a lot of buzz in Hollywood about it. Confidentially, Paramount has expressed interest. I think crap is going to be big in '97, and this promises to be some of the best crap yet. It's really fresh and exciting stuff." Hill was paid $600 by the crap's agent for the minute-long remark. more»

• Fat-Free on the Decline

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | Infographic

  After nealy a year of phenomenal slaes, fat-free food products are beginning to decline in popularity. Why aren't Americans buying fat-free items? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of February 26, 1997

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | Horoscope

  An old euphemism will come in handy this week when your roommate ingests too much acid, causing him to sit in the living room and throw his shit into an electric fan. more»

  

• Area CEO Doesn't Have Time For This Shit

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News in Photos

  

• Catholic Church Speaks Out Against Decadent, Sinfully Rich Dessert

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News in Photos

  

• Slower-Burning Flag Introduced

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News in Photos

  

• Can Of Surge Results In Fully-Loaded, In-Your-Face Diabetic Reaction

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News in Photos

  

• Stay Away From My Granddaughter Cornelia!

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | Commentary

  My granddaughter, Cornelia Josephine Agrippina Zweibel, recently had her coming-out ball, during which she managed to turn quite a few heads. Ever since that magnolia-scented evening, a considerable number of young gentlemen have been paying call to the Zweibel Estate. With ukuleles, portable Victrolas and boxes of sweetmeats in tow, these cheeky swains hope to eventually win Cornelia's lovely hand, much to my great dismay. more»

• My Teddy Bear Collection Is Fucking Great

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | Commentary

  You should see how many fucking teddy bears I have. I just can't get enough! Shit, last time I counted it was up to 150. I've got most of them in the bedroom, but I can hardly fit another goddamn thing in there, so I had to start putting them in the living room. more»

• Baby, Please Don't Walk Out That Door

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | Commentary

  Aw, baby. Where you going? Please don't walk out that door. Don't walk out on Smoove B. He's the man who can make everything all right. He's the man who can make love to you all night. more»

• Ask A Salmon

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | Advice

  Ask A Salmon is a weekly syndicated advice column that appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide more»

• Should Car Phones Be Banned?

  ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | American Voices

  A number of public-safety groups are lobbying Congress to pass legislation banning car phones, calling them dangerous and distracting to the driver. What do you think? more»