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Horkheimer Hospitalized

• Clinton Gets Tough On Crime With New 'Get Tough On Crime' Stickers

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold move designed to halt the spread of violent crime in America, President Clinton unveiled his new "Get Tough On Crime" sticker campaign Monday. more»

  

• Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News

  EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—At a press conference Monday, Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals (BHP), introduced his company's latest anti-depressant, Cyntrex, a product he described as "a totally stupid waste of time that probably nobody will ever want ever." more»

  

• High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan to shift to digital, high-definition TV, technology which will make barely watchable crap far sharper and more detailed than ever before. more»

  

• Indonesian Nine-Year-Old Loves To Volunteer

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News

  SURABAYA, INDONESIA—They don't come much more dedicated than nine-year-old Sibu Sandakan. Unlike most boys his age, who would rather spend their free time skateboarding or hanging out at the mall, this generous youngster spends every chance he gets doing volunteer work. more»

  

• Ad Industry Veterans Honored With Cola War Memorial

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—The new memorial commemorates the thousands laid off during the 'Just For The Taste Of It' campaign. more»

  

• Bad To The Bone To Be Used In Film

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News in Brief

  HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an inspired act of film soundtracking, Paramount Pictures announced Tuesday that its forthcoming family comedy Twerps will feature the rock song "Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood. "We feel the song will greatly enhance the scene in which the 12-year-old protagonist and his two pals go on a shopping spree and dress up as tough kids," said Paramount executive Edward Wohl. "As the children outfit themselves in leather, denim and sunglasses, the song's bluesy riffs and 'don't-mess-with-me' lyrics will provide the perfect backdrop to the kids' get-tough makeover." Paramount also intends to use James Brown's little-known "I Feel Good" for the film's closing-credits sequence, just after the lead character defeats the neighborhood bully in a climactic roller-hockey match. more»

• Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized

  ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News in Brief

  BALTIMORE—On Monday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males, promptly segregating it from normal, heterosexual genes. "I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it," said team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds. "It's a good thing we isolated it; I wouldn't want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones." Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene's gayness: its pinkish hue; meticulously frilly perimeter; and faint but distinct, perfume-like odor. more»

• Police Sketch Artist Admits To Only Drawing People Who Have Wronged Him

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News in Brief

  HOUSTON—Dozens of wrongful arrests were brought to light Saturday, as longtime Houston Police Department sketch artist Daniel Lampert confessed that for years he had used his artistic skill to indict innocent people who had angered him. "Remember that serial rapist eight years ago? That was a sketch of my neighbor," Lampert told reporters. "Son of a bitch wouldn't leash his dog." Lampert also revealed that Houston's notorious heroin kingpin Brad Manning, arrested hours after his sketch was completed, stole Lampert's girlfriend in college. "Jerk thought he was so big," Lampert said. "Showed him." more»

• Congress Raises Killing Age To 19

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Making good on a promise to curb juvenile crime, Congress passed legislation Monday making it illegal for anyone under 19 to commit murder. "If you kill someone, your parents will be notified and you may even spend time in jail," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Previously, murderers as young as 14, depending on state of residence, were considered to be acting within the law. President Clinton approved the bill, though he had recently threatened to veto it if youths between 16 and 19 were not granted certain killing privileges with parental consent. more»

• Woman Injured In Hostile Makeover

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Area resident Julie Milner is in stable condition following a hostile makeover Monday. According to witnesses, Milner was looking at mascara at the Elizabeth Arden cosmetics counter at Macy's when several salespeople violently descended upon her, applying thick coats of rouge and eye shadow until she fell unconscious. "It was horrible," witness Stacie Hull said. "They had her in autumn colors, and she was obviously a winter." more»

• Oprah's Book Club

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | Infographic

  Oprah Winfrey's book club has quickly become a major force in the publishing world: Every book she has selected has made the New York Times best-seller list. Why are people responding so strongly to the new club? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of April 9, 1997

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | Horoscope

  Your dyslexia ruins your enjoyment of origami when you repeatedly attempt and fail to unfold a crane into a piece of paper. more»

  

• Aretha Franklin Demands F-U-D-G-E

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News in Photos

  

• Target Range Under Fire From Community Members

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News in Photos

  

• Aliens Arrive Late: 'Sorry, Hope Nobody's Killed Themselves Yet,' Say Aliens

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News in Photos

  

• Our Nation's Guard Rails: Are They Safe Enough?

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | News in Photos

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• The Ladies' Hats Are Too Big These Days

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | Commentary

  With the coming of spring-time, the ladies will soon be out promenading in the parks in their new fashions. It is my wish that the Paris couturiers reduce the size of the ladies' hats this season, as in years past I have had many unpleasant encounters with enormous millinery. more»

• I Am The Way, The Truth And The Light

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | Commentary

  Friendly friend, are you a rubberband? It is okay to admit that you are. more»

• The McVeigh Trial

  ISSUE 31•13 | 04.09.97 | American Voices

  With the Oklahoma City bombing trial about to begin, many observers are questioning whether defendant Timothy McVeigh—the subject of intense media scrutiny for nearly two years—can get a fair trial before an unbiased jury. What do you think? more»