Arabs, Israelis Sign 'Screw Peace' Accord

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Issue 3114

Love For Jesus Inspires Honk

SALT LAKE CITY—Spurred on by an automotive decal, or "bumper sticker," an area woman's love for Jesus Christ was manifested in honk form Monday. "I do love Jesus," explained Millicent Walters. "Therefore, at the behest of the sticker, I honked." Witnesses described the sticker as one which urged Jesus-loving motorists to sound their automobile horns. The specific purpose of the honking was not clear.

Shirtless Lifeguard Investigates Paranormal Phenomena

MALIBU, CA—In a remarkable display of dedication to human safety, area lifeguard Mitch Buchannon has sacrificed all possible leisure time to jointly pursue beach safety by day and paranormal investigation by night. "The world faces countless dangers, from strong tides to para-dimensional soul catchers," Buchannon said. "It is up to all of us to make a difference in whatever way we can. My way is to work as both a lifeguard and a paranormal investigator." Buchannon says that he draws inspiration from his mother, a longtime legal secretary who recently began investigating UFO-conspiracy government cover-ups in the evenings.

'Everything's $10,000' Chain Goes Out Of Business

WHEELING, WV—Citing "phenomenally poor sales," the retail chain Everything's $10,000 filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday. "When we started, we were all really excited about the concept," the chain's CEO, Carl Rasmussen, said. "You could walk in the store, plunk down 10 grand and walk out with anything you saw on the shelves. We carried everything from pillowcases to staplers to toy rifles for the kids. Unfortunately, the public just never seemed to respond." When pressed for the reasons for the chain's failure, Rasmussen was unsure: "It's hard to say. Perhaps we didn't do a good enough job marketing ourselves." Rasmussen said he would eventually like to open a "more upscale shop, perhaps in the five to seven million dollar range," to fill the space housing Everything's $10,000, located in the Wheeling Plaza strip mall between Pat's Laundromat and Arby's.

CIA To Shift Focus To Greeting Cards

WASHINGTON, DC—After decades devoted to toppling Third World regimes and pumping crack into America's inner cities, CIA Director Robert Gates announced Monday that the agency will phase out covert paramilitary operations to focus exclusively on the production a new line of greeting cards. "Around the time we neutralized Vince Foster, we began to have doubts about whether this is what we really want to do," Gates said. "After last month's top-secret burial of toxic waste in Honduras, I just thought, 'You know what? There's a lot more to life than this.' That 'more,' for us, is the spreading of happy wishes to people on days that are special to them." The CIA's first card is expected to feature a cute bunny with birthday wishes for a special boy who is three today.

Computer Countdown To '00

There is widespread fear among computer experts that the turn of the millennium will create vast problems, as computers across the world—programmed with only the last two digits of a year—will mistake 2000 for 1900. What do you think?

Ask A Morally Weak Preacher

Father Paul Byrne is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Morally Weak Preacher, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Oh, I So Nervous!

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! I so nervous, I never ever wrote a goose column in a newspaper before! I am nervous! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

Where Are My Prosthetic Ears?

Nurse! Turn this room inside out! No one in this estate will eat their bread and gruel until my prosthetic ears are found! I just saw the things not one, maybe two hours ago! Where in the name of the Apostles could they be?

Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging from your car's rear-view mirror are a clue.
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Arabs, Israelis Sign 'Screw Peace' Accord

JERUSALEM—In what is being hailed as "a major step toward the reestablishment of traditional Middle Eastern hatred," Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu and PLO leader Yasser Arafat signed a historic "Screw Peace" agreement Monday.

Palestinian Liberation Organization leader Yasser Arafat and Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu shake hands after signing a joint "Screw Peace" accord.

"For years, our efforts to achieve a permanent, lasting state of war have been derailed by the peace process," Netanyahu said. "Never again will we allow talk of living in harmony to interfere with our real-world goals. From this day forth, our two peoples shall forever be united in our deeply rooted, irreconcilable hatred of one another."

"Nothing can come of friendly co-existence," Arafat said. "There is no winner in peace."

The PLO leader then concluded the signing with the ceremonial burning of a dove.

According to the terms of the Screw Peace agreement, all forms of diplomacy between Israel and its Arab neighbors will be terminated and recognized as failures. In its place, unrestrained, total warfare will be viewed as the normal state of international relations. Additionally, all borders within the region will be blurred in order to facilitate violent territorial disputes among sworn enemies.

"Hopefully," Netanyahu said, "there will be many thousands of angry Palestinians living on Israeli-occupied lands."

he Screw Peace agreement was based loosely on the Bosnian model, and was composed with the assistance of advisors from Britain and Northern Ireland, as well as several architects of the Greco-Turkish conflict.

News of the signing was met with universal acclaim by residents of the region, who celebrated by rioting, throwing rocks and dragging their enemies from their beds and burning them alive in the street. The term "big-nosed freak" was also widely used by combatants on both sides.

A group of Palestinian youths celebrate Monday's historic Screw Peace accord by pelting Israeli tanks with rocks.

TThe agreement's ratification is a welcome political move to people who believe "peace in the Middle East" to be a Western idea, one which directly conflicts with more than 6,000 years of tradition.

"My mother and three of my brothers died during the peace orchestrated by President Carter at Camp David," Beirut resident Ramzi Abboud said. "Everyone I know has lost loved ones to American attempts to negotiate peace."

"These peace talks have been going on ever since I was a child," said a weeping Avi Birbaum, 26, of Tel Aviv. "Peace is all I know."

Though reaction to the accord has been generally positive, some leaders remain unsatisfied with the new agreement. Syrian prime minister Mahmoud al-Aziz spoke out against what he called "major loopholes" in the language of the agreement.

"This piece of paper states that we should be no longer at peace, and that is right and good in the eyes of the One True God," al-Aziz said. "But it is too vaguely worded to be enforceable. Nowhere in it is there a clause that specifically states that we should exterminate the filthy Jew devils to the last man, kill their women, enslave their children, and force their ghosts to serve us in Paradise."

Israeli military officials issued a statement agreeing in sum with al-Aziz's objections and announcing that the city of Damascus would be set on fire and its residents captured over the next 10 days.

The effect of the Screw Peace agreement has yet to be felt in the rest of the world's nations, but reaction has been favorable.

"At long last, Middle Eastern nations will be able to spend the countless billions of dollars they receive in military aid," said United Nations military affairs director Chretien Reigneau. "This revolutionary document is leading to a more honest Middle Eastern outlook in every way."

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