Report: Voters May Have Tried To Influence '96 Election

Top Headlines

Issue 3116

DEA Accepts Record $280 Million Drug Bribe

WASHINGTON, DC—Drug Enforcement Administration officials announced Monday the largest-ever drug bribe received by the agency. The $280 million bribe, which was airdropped over DEA headquarters by an unmarked twin-engine plane from South America, exceeds the previous record bribe by almost $50 million. Said Drug Czar Barry McCaffrey: "This enormous bribe will ensure the smooth transport of Colombian drugs across our borders and into our nation's public schools for years to come." Added McCaffrey, "Winners don't use drugs."

A&E Biography Host Peter Graves Comes Out In Ellen-Inspired Ratings Grab

LOS ANGELES—In an Ellen-like ploy for higher ratings, the producers of A&E's Biography have chosen to reveal the homosexuality of host Peter Graves. "I am a gay man," Graves announced Monday on the season-ending episode of Biography, which chronicled the life of silent film legend Buster Keaton. As clips from Keaton's film career were shown, Graves spoke of the joy he has long derived from the committed, loving relationship he enjoys with his longtime partner, Stan. "I love my boyfriend Stan more than anything in the whole world," Graves said. No sponsors pulled out of the show.

McDonald's Fights World Hunger With New Triple-Decker Burger

OAK PARK, IL—The McDonald's Corporation took a giant step toward conquering the problem of world hunger Monday, unveiling its new McTriple Decker Cheeseburger. "Boasting more than a half pound of grade-A meat, this big, beefy burger is guaranteed to cure any hunger," McDonald's director of public relations Gregory Meacham said. "Believe me, no child, no matter how hungry, will still be starving after eating the new McTriple Decker." McDonald's will focus its marketing efforts on hunger-wracked nations such as Rwanda, India and Cambodia, promoting the new burger through billboards, television ads and flyers dropped from airplanes. Said Duk Soo Park, a North Korean peasant dying of malnutrition, "Please, help."

Wanted: Food Chewer

That's it. I'm through with that ox of a nurse. I despise the way her buttocks ripple shamelessly back and forth under the thin fabric of her white uniform as she walks. She gives me sponge baths with ice-water, changes my colostomy bag only when it's so full of urine that it has grown to the size of the Graf zeppelin, and feeds me my castor-oil with an old spoon with an icky metal taste. She also greases the rectal thermometer with limburger cheese.

Dude, I Almost Got Drafted

Hola amigos. Workin' hard or hardly workin'? If you know me, you know my answer to that question. And if you don't know me, then hang on, 'cause you're in for a wild ride. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but my time has been occupied with the usual: fast cars, fast women and fine whiskey.

This 'Alan Jackson' Must Be Stopped

All over this country there is evidence of a takeover. Not a violent, outright takeover, but a far more subtle and insidious one. To do nothing is to accept our demise. I cannot do nothing. This Alan Jackson must be stopped.

Your Horoscope

You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain.

Life Unfair

EARTH—For the 50 billionth consecutive week since its inception, life was revealed to be unfair Monday. Death and suffering continued to be dispersed randomly among the planet's life forms, with such potentially mitigating factors as solid community standing, genetic superiority, and previous good works in no way taken into account. Despite the efforts of the Code of Hamurabi, the U.S. Bill of Rights, and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, life is expected to remain unfair far into the foreseeable future.

Fashion Dos & Don'ts

These days, looking good is a must. Here are a few tips from the experts to help keep you in style:

Local Jew Feels Left Out Of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy

SOUTHFIELD, MI—It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday night, and, like their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this affluent Detroit suburb are gathered in synagogues, busily hatching plots for world domination through financial chicanery and media influence. But for Seth Nussbaum, it will be just another lonely evening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Election 2016