Hippocratic Oath Under Review By HMO Board

Top Headlines

Issue 3117

Focus Group Reveals: 95 Percent Of Americans Would Like To Go Home

NEW YORK—Extensive focus-group testing results released Monday by the marketing firm of Hayes, Loesser & Falk revealed that an overwhelming 95 percent of Americans are sick of being asked questions and would like to go home as soon as possible. "We were surprised by the results," Hayes, Loesser & Falk vice-president Thomas Mondrian said. "Our focus-group data, designed to capture a representative cross-section of the population, indicates that 19 out of 20 Americans never expected the testing to go on for this long and want us to finish the hell up and let them out of the office." Based upon the new information, Mondrian predicted a major shift in corporate advertising campaigns. "In the future," he said, "you're going to see a lot more products with slogans such as 'Chevrolet: You Can Leave Now' and 'Hormel Chili Is Done Asking You Questions.'"

Clinton Calls For Big Bucks, No Whammys

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton echoed the hopes of a nation in his weekly radio address Sunday, calling for big bucks and no whammys in the U.S. economy. "No whammys, no whammys," Clinton repeated, referring to the mischievous red gremlins who periodically plague the nation's economy, removing all cash reserves from the Federal Treasury. "Give me those big bucks!" Clinton added that while steady, job-based economic growth is what the nation needs most, winning the trip to the Cayman Islands would also be a positive step. Some in Washington, however, criticized Clinton's approach. "The economy is unstable enough as it is," said U.S. Sen. Al D'Amato (R-NY). "The president is truly pressing his luck on this one.

Tell Me Now If You Don't Want To See My Penis

Listen, it's obvious we're having a problem in the communications department. In the future, you've got to tell me what it is you want right away, because otherwise I've got no way of knowing that you don't want to see my penis. I'm a pretty sharp guy, but you can't expect me to know how you're feeling all the time. Unless you tell me, I'm going to just assume that you want to see my penis.

Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat

Petey Paws is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Rogue Smorgasbord Sates Seven

ASHEVILLE, NC—A rogue smorgasbord ran rampant through the streets of Asheville Monday, eluding police and restauranteurs for over nine hours and sating the appetites of at least seven area residents caught in its path.

New Bar To Feature 'Sports' Theme

PITTSBURGH—Area entrepreneur Andrew Wallensky is keeping his fingers crossed after Monday's opening of "Bleachers," a bold new bar centered around the highly conceptual theme of sports. Decorated with helmets, posters and pennants of such Pittsburgh-area teams as the Penguins, Pirates and Steelers, the new bar is designed to attract those who might enjoy drinking and socializing in an atmosphere infused with the spirit of professional athletics. "What I've tried to do here is merge the fields of drinking and sports in a single place, a 'sports-bar,' if you will," Wallensky said. "My future is in God's hands now." For hours after the bar opened, beer-bellied sports fans could be seen tentatively peering into the windows of the strange new establishment, though none were brave enough to step inside.

Republicans, Dadaists Declare War On Art

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the "proliferation of immoral and offensive material throughout America's museums and schools," and waving placards emblazoned with agit-prop fotocollage reading, "diE KUnst ISt tOT, DadA ubEr aLLes" ("Art is dead, dada over all"), a coalition of leading Republican congressional conservatives and early 20th-century Dadaists declared war on art in a joint press conference Monday.

Shi'ite Terrorists Cross County Line

TANNER COUNTY, GA—A pair of Islamic Shi'ite terrorists, wanted in connection with a string of airport bombings dating back to 1983, broke out of Tanner County Jail Monday, escaping justice by crossing the county line, sources close to the sheriff said.

Long Live Selena, Queen Of Texaco Music!

Item! Texaco singing sensation Selena wows 'em the old-fashioned way—bilingually! See, "Texaco" refers to the culture of the Texas-Mexico border area, which spices up our lives with spicy food and spicy music. (Though Dr. Gittelson says I have to take it easy on the spicy food.) Now, on top of her hit ABC show about the teenage witch, Selena's joining other dead superstars like John F. Kennedy, Lou Diamond Phillips, and that sad-looking guy with the Hitler mustache who was in silent comedy movies as the subject of a big-budget Hollywood motion picture. The Outside Scoop hears that it's going to be a good, wholesome movie about the triumph of the spirit, except for the part where she gets killed by some wacko fan. I guess that's not very triumphant, but there are plenty of songs. Selena has won a new fan in Jackie Harvey, that's for sure.

Volunteer Call-To-Arms

Last week, the President's Summit for America's Future met to recruit a national army of volunteers. What are the most popular ways for Americans to serve their community?

Zweibelmas Is Coming!

September 21 may still be a long way off, but only the foolhardy would neglect to begin preparations for Zweibelmas. Zweibelmas has been so long a part of the American consciousness that only foreigners and the feeble-minded are ignorant of this great holiday. To those individuals I say begone! The world has no place for you! For the benefit of the tiny tots, however, I will recount the great traditions and lore of the Zweibelmas. With the use of a cutting shears, parents may wish to cut out and save the following column, taking care not to spoil the many fine advertisements flanking it:

Area Senior Stays Active

MIDDLEBURY, VT—Life begins at 90! So goes the motto of spunky area senior Archibald Munson, 91 years young and still as active as ever. While others may imagine retired life to be dull, this resident of the Middlebury Home For The Aged stays active and vital with his favorite hobby—filling his trousers with his own bowel movements up to 40 hours a week.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Hippocratic Oath Under Review By HMO Board

ATLANTA—The Oath of Hippocrates, a cornerstone of medical ethics for more than 2,000 years, is under review by the board of directors of MedCare, Georgia's leading HMO, it was announced Monday. "It looks good on paper, but frankly, some of the phrases struck us as a bit extreme," said board chair Dr. Forrest Gabler. "For example, 'The health of my patient will be my first consideration.' While it's fine as a concept, when put into actual practice, it creates massive budgetary and liability problems." Another phrase from the oath under review is, "I will practice my profession with conscience and dignity." "That goes without saying, so we'd just as soon not have it in there," Gabler said. Scheduled next for review are the Merck Manual and the Bill of Rights.