Ass-Kisser Promoted

Top Headlines

Issue 3118

Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1

CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as fast and twice as often as its educated. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, are badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love."

ABC Announces Ellen Will Come Out In Every Episode

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to maintain the stunning 36.2 rating for Ellen's recent coming-out episode, ABC announced Monday that the show's main character will discover that she is a lesbian on every future episode of the show. "We don't want to give too much away," said ABC programming VP Fred Gamble, "but Ellen is going to make a shocking announcement this Wednesday. And every Wednesday after that."

Scientists Discover Perfect Little Out-Of-The-Way Place

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After years spent carefully exploring virtually every eatery in the Boston area, MIT scientists announced Tuesday the discovery of the perfect little out-of-the-way place. "Verbal data collected from Mary Watkiss, a secretary in MIT's Physics Building, indicated the presence of a great new lunch cafe in the region of Fourth Street and Huron," said MIT team leader Dr. John Penrose. "Intrigued, we launched a probe into the structure. Within an hour, we received evidence of a $5.99 pasta primavera dish, a delicious caesar's salad with homemade bleu cheese dressing, and a light, flaky raspberry torte." In the wake of the discovery, a manned mission of 10 scientists will voyage to the cafe Wednesday to collect actual food samples and closely observe the eatery's stylish, relaxed interior, which feels more spacious than it is. In honor of the secretary who made the discovery, MIT has named the new eatery "Watkiss Alpha Prime," despite the insistence of the cafe's manager that the establishment is already named "Salads 'n' More."

Secretary Of Education Under Investigation For Falsifying Hall Passes

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, U.S. Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY) called for a special investigative panel to look into allegations that U.S. Secretary of Education Richard Riley forged hall passes for personal use. "Riley occupies the most powerful position in American education and has almost unlimited access to the nation's book of passes," D'Amato said. "We are determined to find out whether he has been faking signatures on hall passes to go to the bathroom and use the snack machines whenever he wants, maintaining the illusion of permission." If found guilty, Riley could face suspension and be called in, along with his parents, for a meeting with President Clinton.

Trouser Downsizing Threatens Raver Industry

NEW YORK—As trouser downsizing continues throughout the troubled economy and budget cuts threaten employees' pants security, many workers in legwear-based fields have come to fear the worst.

Holistic Medicine Boom

Holistic medicine has exploded in popularity in recent years. Why are millions of Americans taking a New Age approach to health?

Jean's Got Beanie Babies Fever!

Sometimes I think I'm going through my second childhood or something. I must own more dolls and stuffed animals now than I did when I was eight years old!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Ass-Kisser Promoted

PROVIDENCE, RI—The age-old practice of brown-nosing was rewarded yet again Monday with the promotion of ass-kissing toady Howard MacInnis, an assistant district account manager for the consulting firm of Hayes, Murdoch & Fenn, to the position of regional manager.

Moments after complimenting Hayes, Murdoch & Fenn vice-president Phil Allaire on his tie, ass-kisser Howard MacInnis (left) enthusiastically agrees with proposed changes to a feasibility study he had nothing to do with.

MacInnis, 33, a longtime sweet-talker known for his tenacity and perseverance in the boot-licking field, received a 15 percent salary increase as well as a corner office and an upgraded luxury-model company car as part of the promotion, which he calls "the culmination of an intensive campaign of shameless glad-handing and insincere admiration that I have been pursuing in earnest for more than four years."

Said MacInnis, "There were those who said that my lack of original ideas and relentless flattery of superiors would hold me back. But I am living proof that fawning yes-men do succeed in this world."

Known to co-workers for his absurdly transparent insincerity in social relations and his incredibly irritating habit of busybodying around the office without ever doing anything, MacInnis' lack of integrity made him an ideal candidate in the eyes of upper management for the undeserved promotion.

"What Hayes, Murdoch & Fenn needs is team players who toe the company line, don't rock the boat and know how to play ball," said district head Jamison Soderhagen, who chose MacInnis for the promotion. "Howard is exactly the sort of sniveling apple-polisher we were looking for. And whenever we play golf, he lets me win."

Senior partner Harriet Fenn agreed. "As a major corporate player, I don't want to be told that I am wrong—ever," she said. "MacInnis' knee-jerk instantaneous validation of everything I say will no doubt enable him to go far in this business."

When asked if he agreed with Fenn's appraisal, MacInnis unhesitatingly replied, "Yes, I do!"

Though his unflagging sucking up to superiors was the key to his career advancement, MacInnis said that his instinctive knack for taking credit for the work of others also played a major role.

"By positioning myself near those employees whose ideas are consistently successful, and then smiling effusively whenever the boss was around, I was able to foster the illusion that I had actually made meaningful contributions to the company," MacInnis said. "In this manner, I was able to steal a significant amount of the credit for their achievements, reaping the rewards of others' work in order to fulfill my own personal goals."

Said co-worker Amber Kyle, "You know that voice high-school guys use when they're trying to talk their way into a girl's pants? Well, that's how MacInnis sounds all the time."

Though Kyle and other highly qualified employees passed over for the promotion harbor great resentment toward MacInnis and his relentless ass-kissing crusade, MacInnis himself is unconcerned about their negative views.

"The time for me to worry about what all those people think of me is long past," he said. "I'm a regional manager now, and there are newer, more important asses that I need to concentrate my kissing energies toward."

Though MacInnis has little to no demonstrable talent to speak of, his superiors are confident that he will prove adept at finding ways to curry their favor, and to appear useful and busy.

"Somebody's got to send the fruitbaskets," Soderhagen said.