Hong Kong Leaders Make Desperate Plea To Jackie Chan

Top Headlines

Issue 3120

Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a move expected to spark debate and excitement among fans, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine producers announced Monday that next week a new alien character will appear on the show possessing "completely different" forehead wrinkles from those of any previous alien. According to make-up artist Rick Baker, "We're very excited to feature a character whose forehead wrinkles look nothing like those of either a Klingon or Romulan or Bajoran or Ferengi or Cardassian. They're like no other forehead wrinkles we've ever created."

Everything A Joke To Local Teen

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—It was revealed Tuesday that everything—from school work to Sunday church services, from requests to clean up his room to inquisitions regarding his future employment prospects—is a joke to area teen Denny Norris. "Everything's a joke to that punk," Denny's father, Walter Norris, said. "I asked him to mow the lawn two weeks ago, and just look at it. He'll go out with his friends, but when was the last time he helped out around here, for crying out loud?" In addition to categorizing all occurrences as jokes, Norris reportedly believes he is going to have it made in the shade forever. When asked for comment by reporters, Norris stated, "Yeah, I got a comment for you: Suck my ass." In speaking to the press, Norris did not identify himself by his given name, but rather by the alternate name of "Heywood Jablomi."

Rwandan Refugees Angered Over Lack Of AOL Access

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO—A group of more than 100,000 Rwandan refugees, forced from their homes by war and ravaged by starvation, are now facing a new problem: the difficulty or outright inability to connect to America Online. "Last night I spent almost an hour trying to connect," Ndeti Mwana, 31, said, "and still I could not. I have not played NTN trivia in over a week." Countless other refugees are praying that they have not missed any important e-mail. AOL officials are working around the clock with the U.N.'s High Commission For Refugees to set up makeshift emergency e-mail stations along the Rwanda-Congo border. "I fear the gods have forsaken us," refugee Malanda Lumbushi said. "Will I ever chat with my e-pal, Vader1138, again?"

I Am Fucking Insane

Hello, friends, just a few random thoughts from yours truly.... Five minutes with Walter Matthau is like 10 years in an Ivy League school.... It's a shame what's happening in Sarajevo.... There is nothing more pleasurable than spreading butter all over your chest and watching TV....

I Dislike My New Nurse

Some time ago, my nurse, a custard-witted dullard with whom I had been long displeased, did me the injustice of aiding and abetting my despised arch-nemesis, Black Scarlet. As she rode off with him into the hills, it dawned on me that, for the first time in decades, I was without a nurse. And with my colostomy bag virtually overflowing, too! With her departure, who would now care for me?

Summer Blockbusters

This summer, Hollywood is releasing more big-budget blockbusters than ever before. What are the top films due out?

Connecticut Man Visited By Being From Another Time Zone

NORWALK, CT—Past met present Monday when Norwalk resident Tony Shearing was visited by his cousin, Paul Kulwicki, who resides in the state of Missouri in the U.S.'s Central Time Zone--a strange, alternate dimension where events occur one hour earlier than they do in Connecticut. "I suggested that we watch Seinfeld," Shearing told reporters, "and my cousin started going on about how Seinfeld ended a half-hour ago. Then I remembered that 9 p.m. in our world is like 8 p.m. in his science fiction-like realm." Deciding when to eat dinner was similarly bewildering for the cousins, requiring them to reach a compromise time of 6:30, when Kulwicki was not very hungry, yet Shearing was unusually so. "Watching Letterman at 11:35 with my cousin from the future is disorienting," Kulwicki said. "I hope I can acclimate myself to your bizarre shadow world."

Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video

PLEASANT, NC—Outraged community members are mounting an aggressive public protest campaign this week in response to an X-rated videotape availiable at Pleasant's Video Villa video store, claiming that the tape does not contain the "Spectacular All-Anal Action" promised on its cover.

Baby, Please Pick Up That Phone

Baby, my world has been so cold since you left me standing there in the rain. You were everything to me, girl. I still can't believe that you left me. I was your man. I was real with you.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Election 2016

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Hong Kong Leaders Make Desperate Plea To Jackie Chan

VICTORIA, HONG KONG—With Hong Kong set to revert to oppressive Chinese rule on July 1, leaders of the longtime British dependency turned Monday to the one man who can save them now: fellow countryman and martial-arts action hero Jackie Chan.

Jackie Chan, seen here clinging to a runaway hovercraft, has been implored by the people of his native Hong Kong to protect them from the ravages of the Chinese occupational government.

"Jackie! Help us or all is lost!" cried a delegation of top Hong Kong officials in a desperate plea to the world-renowned daredevil stuntman via Chan's secret-agent shortwave radio device.

"Only Jackie Chan can save Hong Kong! The other Hong Kong action greats run in fear! They are no match for the Mainland Chinese government's awesome strength!" said Hong Kong shipping magnate Zhou Li Ping. "John Woo, Chow Yun Fat, Ringo Lam--they have all fled to Hollywood, hiding like cowards!"

Unlike his colleagues, Chan has refused to flee Hong Kong, vowing to use all of his kung fu skill to defend his homeland from the approaching Chinese.

Also instrumental in the hero's decision to fight, sources say, is the fact that Chan's honor was once sullied many years ago when, as a young apprentice, he was stripped of his trousers and symbolically shamed by Chinese minister of Hong Kong affairs Ziang Do, the man now responsible for overseeing the transfer of control to China.

After defeating the young Chan in hand-to-hand combat, Ziang added insult to injury, burning Chan's pants in the campfire he was using to dry them and causing him a severe loss of face that he vowed to one day avenge.

"Jackie cannot rest until he has proven his honor by defeating the man who burned his pants and humiliated him," said Asian action-film expert John Erwood.

Upon receiving the distress signal from Hong Kong officials on his secret-agent radio, Chan leapt 30 feet into an open window, and proceeded to attack a 10,000-man division of China's vaunted Red Army, battling them with a variety of common household items, including refrigerator doors, a bicycle, a collapsing step ladder, paint buckets, a lawn chair and, at one point, a push broom, which he twirled on his feet to daze the soldiers.

Undaunted, Red Army officials pressed on, sending seemingly limitless numbers of additional attackers to replace those already defeated and attack Chan in the traditional Chinese "one-at-a-time" kung fu style.

A recently acquired, bootlegged, letterboxed videotape of the struggle shows that Chan was losing until pro-Chan spectators hurled him several bottles of particularly potent rice wine. He then hurriedly guzzled the bottles, maximizing the powers of his "drunken boxing" combat techniques.

"Jackie became him the unstoppable, then!" said one Hong Kong man who witnessed the fight, speaking to reporters via poorly translated subtitles. "The Red Army hurled on him backwards in to and a bed of hot coals! Yet he fought still bravely on with luck!"

In the past 48 hours, Chan has been hit approximately 17,000 times by flying feet, fists, and double-jointed, spinning back-flip head-butts. The media-dubbed "Supercop" has also fallen from an exploding helicopter into a frozen lake; jumped a sportscar onto a moving barge; battled an axe-wielding mob on stilts amidst rising flames; and wrestled a great white shark.

Following the string of seemingly impossible feats of physical prowess and bravery, Chan was humorously bonked on the head by his gruff but lovable uncle.

"Jackie Chan will protect us!" said Hong Kong exporter Liao Zemin, who fears he will lose millions of dollars under the coming Chinese system of strict economic control over private businesses. "Jackie Chan!"

Reports that Chan also survived a guest appearance with a group of "extreme dudes" in a recent carbonated-beverage ad could not be confirmed as of press time.