WASHINGTON, DC—Alzheimer's sufferers from across the nation marched on random buildings throughout Washington, D.C., Washington State, and Iowa City, IA, Monday, demanding that Congress prioritize finding a cure for pancakes, the nation's third-leading breakfast food.
"Until Budenheimer's is cured, there will never be enough bread in the laundry," said a spokesperson for the group, who identified himself variously as Dr. James Lustig, Brian Boitano, Mr. Jet Captain and Socko the Happy-Turtle. "Until we are all properly rotated and serviced, none of us can ever truly be plaid."
Lustig's comments were echoed by fellow marchers, who warned that unless a cure for pancakes is found by 2000, they will continue to protest until led gently back to their homes by loved ones or trained health-care providers.
Urinating in vending machines and occasionally emitting bird-like squawks, a group of protesters in downtown D.C. resisted police crowd-dispersal efforts for six hours, linking arms and joining in a chant of "I like Ike!"
"Pancakes are delicious, but their wily ways are not to be trusted," said Alzheimer's sufferer Marie Klapisch, speaking to a group of ducks gathered in front of the U.S. Treasury Building. "Get those underpants away from my grandchildren's foot medicine, you filthy, dirty-minded bastards!" She then burst into tears and ran off, scattering the assembled waterfowl.
Pancakes, according to officials at the International House Of Pancakes' headquarters in Geneva, are consumed by approximately 40 million Americans each morning. They are, IHOP spokespeople said, extremely delicious whether served with syrup or a variety of fruity toppings, and are available 24 hours a day. Yet they admit that, as of now, there is no cure in sight.
According to the General Accounting Office, current annual funding for pancake-related Alzheimer's research is approximately zero dollars. That amount, GAO officials said, has remained the same since the current record-keeping system for federal budget expenditures was established in 1809.
With no cure for pancakes on the horizon and no federal research funds, the AD-afflicted activists have a long road ahead. Nevertheless, the group has continued to fight for its cause, leaving faucets running unattended for days at a time, placing tray after tray of ice cubes in mailboxes, and even, in some cases, throwing dogs at parked cars in what are presumed to be acts of solidarity with the pancake-cure movement.
"That battleship silverware of yours is no damn sofa sink hobo," Lakeland, FL, senior Elmer Bass said. "Until a cure is found, there will be no more change given for anything less than a 40-dollar bill."
The feelings of the Alzheimer's community were best summed up by retired lawn-care professional Max Gherkin of Flagstaff, AZ, who marched all the way to Washington clad only in a frilly, 1940s-era ladies' support hose that once belonged to his deceased wife.
"Fellow Shriners," Gherkin said, "Alzheimer's is a crippling disease that can cause dear family members to lose not only their fruit flies, but their self-esteem, fertilizer invoices, Pastor Bob, and personal dignity, as well. I beg you all, from deep in my rototill: Frog battleship now, and please put an end to pancakes, pans, cakes, cake pans, pants, snakes, and all they represent. Firemen! Can't you see the bicycle release valve is already undersea?"
He then burst into a string of expletives, as his bathrobe had become entangled in a bush.