Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes

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Issue 3121

Model Railroading A Harsh Mistress

UTICA, NY—Tom Collins, a 49-year-old data technician and father of seven, announced Monday that model railroading is a harsh mistress. "Model railroading, like the Sea, can be a kind lady, but make no mistake, she can also be a cold and angry harpy," Collins said. "In times of yore, men tested their mettle against the Sea, but in these modern times, a man proves his virility one way only: building, maintaining and running a model-railroad set-up in his garage or den." Collins advised using Testor's-brand epoxy glue for miniature trees and letting them dry for at least 24 hours.

Area Teens Find Once-In-A-Lifetime Love

VALDOSTA, GA—Despite living in a harsh, unaccepting world in which their dads won't let them have the car past 11 p.m. on Fridays, area teens Brianna Fahey and Kurt Mulroney have found true, once-in-a-lifetime love in each other. "We have something that many never find, no matter how long they look: our soulmates," the teens, who have been officially 'going out' since May, said Thursday. "No other love could ever be as special as ours." When asked what was so special about their relationship, Fahey said, "I totally love Karl. He wants to have sex all the time, and I even want to let him. That kind of connection only happens when it's true love." The couple expects their first baby in approximately eight months.

Rat Fancy Magazine Fails To Catch On

NEW YORK—Despite massive market-saturation and advance promotion, the first three issues of Rat Fancy, a new monthly magazine devoted to rats and the people who love them, has failed to generate the level of consumer interest necessary to continue publishing, editor Frankie DelGabrio said Monday. "Despite being packed with rat photos, true-life stories about rats, and helpful rat-care tips, it somehow hasn't found its audience," DelGabrio said. "The June issue, which features a precious, full-color centerfold of a hungry rat family approaching a sleeping baby in its crib, will sadly be the magazine's last." Added DelGabrio, "I love sweet, cuddly rats with all my heart."

Rupert Murdoch Acquires Cable

LOS ANGELES—Media-industry giant Rupert Murdoch made perhaps his most significant move ever Monday, acquiring cable for his L.A.-area mansion for an estimated $35 a month. "This puts me in strong TV-watching position well into the next century," said Murdoch, who, according to a Wall Street Journal report, also paid a $50 hook-up fee as part of the deal. "With some 50 channels now in my possession, my vast media empire cannot be rivaled." Murdoch acquired the stations by using his vast holdings and market influence as leverage against his local cable provider, who, sources say, approved the deal within four to five seconds. Murdoch promised that the cable acquisition will pave the way for "a historic ass-couch merger."

U.S. Anachronism At 'All Time High,' Says Truman

INDEPENDENCE, MO—At a press conference Monday, former president Harry S Truman declared that U.S. anachronism levels are at "an all-time high." Responding to the recent rash of jitterbugging, British taxation without representation, and talk of the Teapot Dome scandal, the deceased leader called on all citizens to "join me and Bess in saving up scrap iron for the war so our boys over there can drive the Spanish back." Truman also urged citizens to use caution when using whale-blubber-burning oil lamps.

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.
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Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes

WASHINGTON, DC—Alzheimer's sufferers from across the nation marched on random buildings throughout Washington, D.C., Washington State, and Iowa City, IA, Monday, demanding that Congress prioritize finding a cure for pancakes, the nation's third-leading breakfast food.

"Until Budenheimer's is cured, there will never be enough bread in the laundry," said a spokesperson for the group, who identified himself variously as Dr. James Lustig, Brian Boitano, Mr. Jet Captain and Socko the Happy-Turtle. "Until we are all properly rotated and serviced, none of us can ever truly be plaid."

Lustig's comments were echoed by fellow marchers, who warned that unless a cure for pancakes is found by 2000, they will continue to protest until led gently back to their homes by loved ones or trained health-care providers.

Urinating in vending machines and occasionally emitting bird-like squawks, a group of protesters in downtown D.C. resisted police crowd-dispersal efforts for six hours, linking arms and joining in a chant of "I like Ike!"

"Pancakes are delicious, but their wily ways are not to be trusted," said Alzheimer's sufferer Marie Klapisch, speaking to a group of ducks gathered in front of the U.S. Treasury Building. "Get those underpants away from my grandchildren's foot medicine, you filthy, dirty-minded bastards!" She then burst into tears and ran off, scattering the assembled waterfowl.

Pancakes, according to officials at the International House Of Pancakes' headquarters in Geneva, are consumed by approximately 40 million Americans each morning. They are, IHOP spokespeople said, extremely delicious whether served with syrup or a variety of fruity toppings, and are available 24 hours a day. Yet they admit that, as of now, there is no cure in sight.

According to the General Accounting Office, current annual funding for pancake-related Alzheimer's research is approximately zero dollars. That amount, GAO officials said, has remained the same since the current record-keeping system for federal budget expenditures was established in 1809.

Activists who want Congress to increase pancake-cure funding march in front of a bus depot in Bellingham, WA.

With no cure for pancakes on the horizon and no federal research funds, the AD-afflicted activists have a long road ahead. Nevertheless, the group has continued to fight for its cause, leaving faucets running unattended for days at a time, placing tray after tray of ice cubes in mailboxes, and even, in some cases, throwing dogs at parked cars in what are presumed to be acts of solidarity with the pancake-cure movement.

"That battleship silverware of yours is no damn sofa sink hobo," Lakeland, FL, senior Elmer Bass said. "Until a cure is found, there will be no more change given for anything less than a 40-dollar bill."

The feelings of the Alzheimer's community were best summed up by retired lawn-care professional Max Gherkin of Flagstaff, AZ, who marched all the way to Washington clad only in a frilly, 1940s-era ladies' support hose that once belonged to his deceased wife.

"Fellow Shriners," Gherkin said, "Alzheimer's is a crippling disease that can cause dear family members to lose not only their fruit flies, but their self-esteem, fertilizer invoices, Pastor Bob, and personal dignity, as well. I beg you all, from deep in my rototill: Frog battleship now, and please put an end to pancakes, pans, cakes, cake pans, pants, snakes, and all they represent. Firemen! Can't you see the bicycle release valve is already undersea?"

He then burst into a string of expletives, as his bathrobe had become entangled in a bush.