Buck-Naked Man Stresses Importance Of Proper Schooling

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Issue 3207

Airline Food Under Fire From Area Comedian

ROYAL OAK, MI—The airline industry is reeling following a scathing indictment of its in-flight cuisine Saturday by stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli. "How about that chicken breast? It tastes like Wayne Gretzky ought to be shooting it on goal," said Campanelli, publicly blasting the food served by major air carriers in a speech delivered at the House O' Yuks in Royal Oak. "Guys," added Campanelli, addressing the nation's pilots, "you've got the planes. Fly in some fresh ingredients!" No airline has yet issued a response.

Sales Disappointing For First-Ever Hustler Swimsuit Issue

LOS ANGELES—Spokespersons for Larry Flynt Publications are scrambling to explain the poor sales of Hustler magazine's first annual swimsuit issue, crammed from cover to cover with beautiful young women modeling the latest sexy swimwear. "We are utterly baffled," LFP public relations director Kenneth Micklos said of the issue, which sold 17 newsstand copies nationwide. "Our readership demographic is overwhelmingly heterosexual and male, with a strong interest in looking at beautiful women. It's a mystery."

Rwanda Gets Plant

KIGALI, RWANDA—Wracked by years of famine and political unrest, Rwanda bought a plant in an effort to "brighten things up."

U.S. Agriculture Secretary: 'Aw, Let's Not Do Farming Anymore'

DES MOINES, IA—Citing the massive economic woes plaguing the nation's farmers and the severe physical hardship of farming itself, U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Dan Glickman announced Monday that he would like to "forget about the whole farming thing altogether."

Local Dad Gets This Show On The Road

ASHEVILLE, NC—Citing an abundance of great things to do in Virginia Beach and a limited amount of time in which to do them, area husband and father of three Ed Minton strongly urged his family to get this show on the road Friday. "Let's go, let's go, let's go," said Minton, eager to get his wife and children into their Dodge Caravan and begin a "super-duper fun" family weekend getaway. After a 40-minute delay, the show finally got on the road at approximately 2 p.m., when Minton's wife and children finally decided to chop-chop.

Bluesman Announces 12-Bar Delay In Bringing It On Home

CHICAGO—Area bluesman Willie "Skipbone" Johnson announced plans late Saturday to extend his rendition of the Robert Johnson standard "Dust My Broom" by an additional 12 bars before recapitulating the chorus and bringing it on home.

Merry Zweibelmas To You!

The season of the Zweibelmas-tide is upon us at long last! Only a few shopping-days remain before Sept. 21, the glorious and solemn Day of the Zweibelmas itself. Several months ago in this space I advised my readers to begin preparations for this most holy and auspicious event, which celebrates all things Zweibel. Well, now it is time to behead the fatted ox, eat blood-pudding, and grease the staircase! Zweibelmas is upon us!
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Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

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Buck-Naked Man Stresses Importance Of Proper Schooling

WASHINGTON, DC—Alarmed by rising high-school dropout rates and declining test scores, buck-naked education consultant Dr. Donald Scherr urged America's youth to "put education first" during an address to more than 300 educators and students Monday.

Buck-naked education consultant Donald Scherr (far right) offers a group of teachers tips on how to better motivate students.

"No matter what you want to be, a good education is the way to get there," said Scherr, his limp penis hanging visibly. "Your mind is like a car's gas tank: If you don't fill it, your future doesn't look so good."

The unclothed Scherr also took teachers to task for allowing standards to dip sharply over the past two decades. "A student today can graduate from high school knowing little more than the multiplication tables and who the current president is. Not long ago, that student would have been bumped back to the third grade," he said, sweat forming in the folds of stomach fat hanging down over his waist. "Every student should graduate high school knowing why World War I happened, how to determine the volume of a cylinder, and the difference between a simile and a metaphor. And if they do not, it is largely the fault of you, their teachers."

Scherr, who caught many of the educators in attendance off guard with his stinging words of rebuke and full-frontal nudity, said that U.S. schools are suffering from what he termed "buck-passing," whereby the most serious problems affecting the nation's children are being written off as "someone else's problem."

"We all need to stop looking for where to place the blame and start looking for real solutions," the small-nippled author of Why Johnny Can't Read: 22 Steps To Making America's Schools Work Again said. "This is everybody's problem."

While all U.S. schools have been hit hard by the drop in federal education funding over the last 20 years, Scherr said that it is inner-city schools that have suffered the most. "No matter how hard-working and determined a poor, inner-city youth is, without access to a solid education, that child will not acquire the skills necessary to break the cycle of poverty. We must not allow this shameful inequality to continue," said Scherr, his scrotal sac rising slightly as he thumped the podium to emphasize his point.

Scherr closed by saying that in this era of declining interest in education, an active, interested parent is more important than ever.

"Find out what's happening in your kid's education and get involved. Help them with their homework. Meet regularly with their teachers. Ask to see their report card. But above all, encourage them. Otherwise, we are putting society's most valuable resource—our future leaders—at a real disadvantage." Upon completing his remarks, Scherr exited the press conference, his doughy buttocks jiggling considerably.

Scherr then spent the afternoon handing out "Be Cool—Stay In School" pamphlets and buttons to D.C.-area schoolchildren, accompanied by "Trevor," a rapping pro-education kangaroo featured in a recent series of nationally televised public-service announcements. He will appear on Capitol Hill Thursday to testify before the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Economic and Educational Opportunities, clad in a pair of black dress socks.

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