• 1996
• 1997
• 1998
• 1999
• 2000
• 2001
• 2002
• 2003
• 2004
• 2005
• 2006
• 2007
• 2008
• 2009
• 2010
• 2011
• 2012

• <<
• 09.02.97 |
• 09.09.97 |
• 09.16.97 |
• 09.23.97 |
• 09.30.97 |
• 10.07.97 |
• 10.14.97 |
• 10.21.97 |
• 10.29.97 |
• 11.04.97 |
• 11.04.97
• >>

Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity

• Nike To Cease Manufacturing Products:

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News

  BEAVERTON, OR—Citing artistic restlessness and a desire to "focus exclusively on what we do best," the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will cease manufacturing athletic shoes and other sports-related merchandise in order to devote itself fully to the creation of stunning, state-of-the-art television advertisements. more»

  

• 'Midwest' Discovered Between East, West Coasts

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News

  NEW YORK—A U.S. Geological Survey expeditionary force announced Tuesday that it has discovered a previously unknown and unexplored land mass between the New York and California coasts known as the "Midwest." more»

  

• Picture At Party Comes Out Great

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News

  CHAMPAIGN, IL—A picture of Stacy, Kerri and Jill taken at Matt and Steve's recent back-to-school party came out great Tuesday, with some even calling it "amazing." more»

  

• Drug Use Down Among Uncool Kids

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Department of Health and Human Services, drug use is on the decline among uncool kids in the U.S. more»

  

• Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors:

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News

  CLOTTS, VT—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors. more»

  

• Man Has Amazing Ass

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News

  TASHEN, OH—Sculpted, tight, and slightly lofted, resident Lance Holdger's ass is naturally tan and completely hairless. more»

  

• Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News in Brief

  MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who rescued an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself as a hero this week. "What I did was incredibly brave," said Koonce, who descended all the way down the three-foot-wide well to recover eight-month-old Midland resident Melissa Sims. "In selflessly risking my own life to rescue little Melissa, I am an inspiration to those around me and proof that heroes do exist," he said. Koonce noted that once the girl was recovered, he performed rescue breathing on her, reviving her from a semi-conscious state. "I saved this child," he said. "I am Yahweh, Giver Of Life." more»

• Coroner's Report: John Denver Had Sunshine On Shoulders At Time Of Crash

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News in Brief

  MONTEREY, CA—According to a Monterey County coroner’s report released Monday, singer John Denver had a shoulder-sunshine level of .27—more than two times the legal limit—at the time of his fatal airplane crash into Monterey Bay on Oct. 12. "Our autopsy discovered a substantial quantity of sunshine on and around Mr. Denver’s shoulders, more than enough to make him high," Monterey County chief coroner Richard Bozell said. "It is my opinion that it would be difficult for even the most experienced pilot to safely operate an aircraft while high on that much sunshine." Denver, who battled sunshine addiction throughout his career, was 53. more»

• Congress Names Very Special Prosecutor

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—In its most inspirational appointment in years, Congress named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Baltimore boy with Down Syndrome, Very Special Prosecutor to the ongoing White House fundraising investigation Monday. "Michael is very special. He is fun, loves to laugh, and is always smiling," U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN) said. When informed of his appointment, Barnett waved a pen and said, "I’m a special boy!" He then accidentally signed an order for the Marines to seize all private property in the U.S. Thompson quickly nullified the order, saying, "Michael is very special, and I know he’ll be trying very hard. And that’s what’s important." more»

• Charlton Heston Gets Serious

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News in Brief

  HOLLYWOOD, CA—After nearly 40 years of wacky, lighthearted comedic roles, actor Charlton Heston finally got serious Tuesday, accepting a part in a four-hour Biblical epic to air on TNT. "I have spent my entire career doing pratfalls and mugging for the camera," Heston said. "Now I intend to wipe the smirk off my face and take on a serious, dramatic role." In the TNT drama, titled The Holy Bible, Heston will play the Biblical character Moses. Asked if he expects the transition from comedy to drama to be difficult, Heston said: "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty apes!" more»

• Area Panties In A Bunch

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News in Brief

  CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to Cross Plains police, a pair of panties was discovered Monday wound up in a bunch and badly in need of loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains police chief Raymond Zorn said, "obviously needed to relax.” Failure to chill out, Zorn said, is the number one reason over three million pairs of panties become bunched in the U.S. each year. Zorn said it is still too early to tell if there is a connection between the panty-bunching incident and Friday’s discovery of a pair of Atlanta-area undies in a bundle. more»

• Joining The Record Club

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | Infographic

  Direct-mail CD and cassette clubs are a $4 billion per year industry. Why do so many consumers use these clubs to purchase music? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1997

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | Horoscope

  You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman’s body. You owe it to him to grab a butcher knife and start carving until you get that man out. more»

• Giant Altoid Heading Toward Earth

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News in Photos

  

• Owls Are Assholes

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News in Photos

  

• Couple Takes First Steps Toward Divorce

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News in Photos

  

• Vatican Unveils New Pope Signal

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | News in Photos

  

• I'm The Toast Of Vaudeville

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | Commentary

  Forget Milton Berle! Forget Fanny Brice! Forget the Ritz Brothers! They don't hold a candle to me, because I'm the Toast of Vaudeville! I've done it all—crooned with Cantor, joked with Jolson, and tap-danced at the Palace with Gypsy Rose Lee. more»

• Who Will Win the Base-Ball Matches?

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | Commentary

  My nurse informs me that it is now the autumn-time, which to every red-blooded American boy means the season in which the professional base-ball sporting clubs vie for a berth in the great Championship Series of the World. I predict that the Knickerbockers will give those accursed Red Stockings a sound thrashing. Of course, we can't count out the great Pie Traynor and his Philadelphia Peglegs. more»

• Reservoir Dogs Is The Best Movie Ever vs. Reservoir Dogs Is Fucking Awesome

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | Point/Counterpoint

  Let me tell you this: Reservoir Dogs is the best movie ever! It's everything a good movie should be. You got great characters, awesome dialogue and tons of unbelievable action. Quentin Tarantino is a god. more»

• The Holistic Medicine Boom

  ISSUE 32•12 | 10.21.97 | American Voices

  Led by such new-age gurus as Deepak Chopra and Andrew Weil, holistic medicine is more popular than ever. What do you think of alternative medicine? more»