Man Has Amazing Ass

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Issue 3212

Area Panties In A Bunch

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to Cross Plains police, a pair of panties was discovered Monday wound up in a bunch and badly in need of loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains police chief Raymond Zorn said, "obviously needed to relax.” Failure to chill out, Zorn said, is the number one reason over three million pairs of panties become bunched in the U.S. each year. Zorn said it is still too early to tell if there is a connection between the panty-bunching incident and Friday’s discovery of a pair of Atlanta-area undies in a bundle.

Charlton Heston Gets Serious

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After nearly 40 years of wacky, lighthearted comedic roles, actor Charlton Heston finally got serious Tuesday, accepting a part in a four-hour Biblical epic to air on TNT. "I have spent my entire career doing pratfalls and mugging for the camera," Heston said. "Now I intend to wipe the smirk off my face and take on a serious, dramatic role." In the TNT drama, titled The Holy Bible, Heston will play the Biblical character Moses. Asked if he expects the transition from comedy to drama to be difficult, Heston said: "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty apes!"

Congress Names Very Special Prosecutor

WASHINGTON, DC—In its most inspirational appointment in years, Congress named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Baltimore boy with Down Syndrome, Very Special Prosecutor to the ongoing White House fundraising investigation Monday. "Michael is very special. He is fun, loves to laugh, and is always smiling," U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN) said. When informed of his appointment, Barnett waved a pen and said, "I’m a special boy!" He then accidentally signed an order for the Marines to seize all private property in the U.S. Thompson quickly nullified the order, saying, "Michael is very special, and I know he’ll be trying very hard. And that’s what’s important."

Coroner's Report: John Denver Had Sunshine On Shoulders At Time Of Crash

MONTEREY, CA—According to a Monterey County coroner’s report released Monday, singer John Denver had a shoulder-sunshine level of .27—more than two times the legal limit—at the time of his fatal airplane crash into Monterey Bay on Oct. 12. "Our autopsy discovered a substantial quantity of sunshine on and around Mr. Denver’s shoulders, more than enough to make him high," Monterey County chief coroner Richard Bozell said. "It is my opinion that it would be difficult for even the most experienced pilot to safely operate an aircraft while high on that much sunshine." Denver, who battled sunshine addiction throughout his career, was 53.

Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who rescued an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself as a hero this week. "What I did was incredibly brave," said Koonce, who descended all the way down the three-foot-wide well to recover eight-month-old Midland resident Melissa Sims. "In selflessly risking my own life to rescue little Melissa, I am an inspiration to those around me and proof that heroes do exist," he said. Koonce noted that once the girl was recovered, he performed rescue breathing on her, reviving her from a semi-conscious state. "I saved this child," he said. "I am Yahweh, Giver Of Life."

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors:

CLOTTS, VT—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.

Drug Use Down Among Uncool Kids

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Department of Health and Human Services, drug use is on the decline among uncool kids in the U.S.
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Man Has Amazing Ass

TASHEN, OH—In what is the most remarkable story to come out of Tashen, OH, in decades, resident Lance Holdger has an amazing ass.

Lance Holdger, in a rare frontal shot.

Sculpted, tight, and slightly lofted, Holdger's ass is naturally tan and completely hairless, and possesses the consistency of a gelatinous stone. The 750 residents of Tashen are well aware of this and, as a result, are unable to get enough of that ass.

The empirical grandeur of Holdger's ass, Tashen mayor Wayne Rinaldo said, allows it to be celebrated by people without regard to sexual preference, age, creed or aesthetic inclination.

"Whether one wants to caress, fondle, finger, wipe, rim, penetrate, paint, write about, or simply behold Mr. Holdger's ass, it doesn't matter," Rinaldo said. "That ass is open to all things, from wholesome admiration to profane defilement. It is that amazing of an ass. No one can stop thinking about that ass."

Tashen's favorite obsession has manifested itself in numerous ways. The entrance to the local mall is decorated with a pair of 12-foot glowing orbs that replicate and enlarge the splendor of Holdger's ass. In a $2 million renovation blitz, the city's water towers were rebuilt to look like Holdger's ass. The covers of Tashen's tourist brochures are festooned with unretouched photos of Holdger's ass, and the same photos are used in the school district's anatomy and art textbooks. Tashen High School's team nickname was changed from the Battlin' Warriors to the Battlin' Holdger's Asses. The football team's helmets have been indented to look like Holdger's ass.

"Sometimes, those flesh-colored, ass-like helmets fool even me," Tashen High School football coach Ed Meadrock said. "I'm thinking, hey, I want a piece of that."

Most striking is Assmas, Tashen's annual spring festival celebrating Holdger's ass. As Tashen resident Vic Henshaw described it, "Assmas is exactly like Christmas, except instead of trimming a tree, we trim Holdger's ass. Instead of reveling in the glory of Jesus and the spirit of Christianity, we revel in the glory of Holdger's ass and the spirit of Holdger's ass. It's almost identical."

For the duration of Assmas, which covers the last 20 days in May, everything in Tashen shuts down, with the exception of Holdger's ass. The only sounds that are heard are those that come from Holdger's ass. The only gifts that are given must be in the shape of, or depict some aspect of, or reflect in some essential way, Holdger's ass. The only words allowed to be thought are "Holdger's ass."

At the end of the festival, Holdger and his ass are raised high above the city hall. Glowing and inspiring, the ass emanates its perfect scent, sight and sound to the yielding minions that believe in one thing and one thing only: Holdger's ass. And all is perfect and peaceful.

Residents of Tashen are well aware that their ass worship may seem strange to outsiders, and they are eager to explain.

"People who aren't from here have to realize something about Holdger's ass," lifelong Tashen resident Paula Baines said. "It's not like a regular ass, or even an extremely above-average ass. Holdger's ass is on a different plane of asshood than your ass or mine entirely. A holy plane. Just thinking about Holdger's ass makes me want to think about Holdger's ass some more. Go now. Go and learn Holdger's ass."

"We exaggerate about a lot of things here in Tashen," resident Duane Renfro said. "Our stranglehold on the pillbox industry, the cleanliness of our lakes, the safety of our streets, the quality of our hotels. But there is one thing about Tashen that needs no exaggeration. And that is Holdger's ass."

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