Late-Working NASA Scientists Discover Moons Over My Hammy

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Issue 3215

Southern Comfort Comforts Southerner

SMYRNA, TN—A well-known brand of alcohol proved worthy of its name Sunday as a bottle of Southern Comfort comforted Southerner Melvin Shifflett, providing him with a warm sense of well-being as he retreated into the soothing glow of intoxication. "I am definitely comforted right now," the 34-year-old Shifflett said. "The high alcohol content of this whiskey, not to mention its pleasant cherry flavor, has made me forget all about the pain of my recent divorce and mounting credit-card debt."

Six-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess

MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area six-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "Ashley is very much interested in that particular field," said Ambrose’s mother Patricia. "But she’s still keeping her options open: She’s also considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."

Area Gym Class Prepares For Mandatory Exposure Of Penises To Peers

ROANOKE, VA—It was learned Monday that male students in Riverview Middle School’s fourth-period gym class are preparing, as they do before every scheduled hour of physical education, for mandatory exposure of their near-hairless, tiny, adolescent penises to the scrutiny of their peers. "Everyone’s got to be completely nude," said gym teacher Randall Slavin. "Anyone refusing to participate in the group nudity will be disciplined under school policy." Said seventh-grader Tim Hilfer: "I’d known James Ketchner ever since he and his mom moved here from Phoenix. We’ve been in school together a long time, but in all those years I’d never seen his penis. Now, I see his penis five days a week, and he sees mine."

North Korea Ranked Least-Entertained Nation On Earth

UNITED NATIONS—A U.N. study released Tuesday revealed that North Korea is the least-entertained nation on earth. The notoriously isolated Communist nation ranked last in all 57 of the study’s entertainment-related statistical subcategories, including celebrity-to-ordinary-citizen ratio, number of Nintendo 64s per thousand persons, and per capita fun. "These North Koreans are starving for the sort of Hollywood-style thrills that we take for granted here in the U.S.," Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said. "It’s tragic."

War And Remembrance

To-day is Armistice Day, the day when we remember those who have fallen in battle defending our great Republic. I myself never served in the military, but I am proud to say that throughout my long life, I have instigated much violence and blood-shed.

Seize Him!

Ah, yes. I see you have captured my elusive Earthling quarry at last. Well done, guard! You have greatly pleased your master. Bring him forward at once! I wish to speak with him face to face... before his annihilation.

The Basics Of Cruising

Hola amigos. How's it hangin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but a lot of shit's been going down in Jim's part of town. See, I been working my ass off at this new job. You know how on trucks they have those running boards which are black, but they aren't painted because paint would come off real fast? Well, I work at a place where we put some black-powder crap onto the metal running boards and bake it for a while so it won't come off, even if you go off-roading. I guess you'd call me a powder boy, 'cause I apply the powder to the metal.

Ergonomic Advisors Call For $30 Million In Federal Lumbar Support

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling America’s current ergonomic situation "terribly strenuous on the nation’s lower-back region," a panel of top ergonomic advisors called upon Congress Monday to pass legislation allocating $30 million in federal lumbar support. "If the government does not begin addressing the problems facing the U.S. ergonomy," said MIT ergonomist Bryan Lam, "this nation will be unable to stand up in a few years."

Methushael Begets Lamech

JERUSALEM—According to a report released Monday by Pentateuch officials, 930-year-old area resident Adam had two sons, Abel and Cain, and Cain begat Enoch, and Enoch begat Mehujal, and Mehujal begat Methushael, and Methushael begat Lamech.
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Late-Working NASA Scientists Discover Moons Over My Hammy

ARROYO, TX—The science world is reacting with lip-smacking satisfaction to the news that a three-man team of NASA scientists stationed at the Hutchins Observatory in Arroyo discovered a delicious and economical new taste phenomenon late Tuesday night—the so-called "Moons Over My Hammy" breakfast combo.

Scientists at NASA's Astronomical Body Research Laboratory in Houston study gas chromatography analysis of the newly discovered breakfast combo.

"My colleagues and I believe that the discovery of the Moons Over My Hammy represents a major breakthrough in the field of affordable-yet-hearty breakfast-food items. And it is not just for breakfast: This meal, unlike the vast majority of those known to modern science, boasts 24-hour-a-day availability," Hutchins Observatory director Dr. Nathan H. Schenk told an international assemblage of astronomers at a press conference in the parking lot of Denny's restaurant #69854 in Arroyo, where the discovery was made. "I can assure you all that we will continue to pursue additional research into this phenomenon with great gusto."

As with many important scientific advances, Schenk said that serendipity played a major role in the discovery of the Moons. While working late preparing spectrographic analyses of gaseous emissions surrounding the ME241 neutron-star cluster, Schenk and his two assistants noticed that they had gone several hours beyond their normally scheduled refueling window and were beginning to succumb to a low-energy state of food-deprivation, or "hunger."

Though a preliminary scan suggested that all eateries in the immediate vicinity were in an overnight dormant, or "closed," state, evidence gathered from the Arroyo Yellow Pages seemed to indicate the possible presence of a still-open, "24-hour" restaurant approximately four miles east-southeast of the observatory, near the intersection of Bryce Road and I-75.

Moons Over My Hammy <ul> <li>NASA officials jubilant, sated</li> <li>Science world calls findings "delicious"</li> <li>Breakfast item's price "not astronomical"</li> <li>Country ham, farm-fresh eggs</li> <li>Better 'N' Eggs® substitution available upon request</li> </ul>

Their hunger increasing, Schenk and his colleagues triangulated the Denny's location and boarded a car, voyaging to the establishment. Once there, they encountered firsthand evidence pointing to the existence of the previously undiscovered Moons.

"Through the careful collection of both written and photographic menu-based evidence, we began to form a loose sketch, if you will, of what the phenomenon might be like," Schenk said. "Based on this evidence, we postulated that the Moons Over My Hammy, with its unique blend of farm-fresh eggs and grade-A baked ham on grilled sourdough bread with choice of hash browns or french fries on the side, might possibly contain many of the complex carbohydrates, proteins and fatty acids necessary to sustain carbon-based life."

Deciding to investigate further, the research team put up its own money to acquire a Moons Over My Hammy specimen for firsthand observation and sampling. Additional nutritive data was gathered from the restaurant, including two large servings of orange juice, a "Scram Slam" platter, an Oriental chicken salad, and a seemingly "bottomless" pot of coffee that raises many questions modern science has yet to answer.

Upon taking readouts of the Moons Over My Hammy and transporting the uneaten portion of it back to the observatory in a Styrofoam "to-go" container for more in-depth lab analysis, the sated researchers finally announced their discovery to the world.

"After extensively examining the new Moons for myself," Schenk said, "I feel confident in saying that my taste buds have only one hypothesis: that I'll be coming back to Denny's for more of that wholesome, homemade-flavor goodness!"

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