Chuck Yeager Dies In Fiery Kitchen Mishap

Top Headlines

Issue 3216

Glorious New Tomorrow Postponed Indefinitely

EARTH—In a move many observers described as inevitable, representatives of nearly every major belief system on Earth announced Monday the indefinite postponement of the glorious new tomorrow that has been collectively promised humankind for more than six millennia. "Whether it be redemption from sin under the second coming of the Messiah; a classless society under a dictatorship of the proletariat; a war-free state of universal peace and brotherhood following a unilateral nuclear disarmament; perfect free trade in a coercion-free marketplace; an enlightened 'nirvana' state after a series of karma-accumulating reincarnations; a state of clear through the spiritual-purification techniques of the Church of Scientology; or a state of perfect, rock-hard abs under the tutelage of cable-television fitness guru Tony Little, it would appear that the glorious new tomorrow toward which we have all been striving is, unfortunately, not a tenable goal for the near future," said motivational speaker and Personal Power author Anthony Robbins. Billions of suicides worldwide are expected to result from the announcement.

Eating Enthusiast Acquires Chocolate Eclair

DULUTH, MN—Longtime eater and admirer of fine edibles Douglas Hundt proudly added a Zuckerman’s Bakery chocolate eclair to his extensive pantry Monday at a reported cost of $1.75. "I am very pleased with this newest purchase," Hundt told reporters. "I am confident that this eclair, like others I have previously acquired, will provide me with great eating enjoyment." Hundt had previously made news with his 1995 landmark purchase of a four-foot party sub from Hungry Howie’s and a May ’97 20-nugget deal with the McDonald’s corporation.

Today's Kids Have No Valor

I am Higelac of the Healfdanes, and I have spoken. The youth of today have no valor. No courage of kings. T-shirts? Blue jeans? When I was a young man, we wore bone helmets and horns that proclaimed our kinship with valorous deeds of courage.

Depends Ain't So Damn Dependable

Lately, I've been getting pretty tired of having to change my pants constantly. It's no fun having to go put on a pair of fresh trousers every time a dog barks or a door slams too loud.

Clinton Written Up By 'Total Bitch' Supervisor

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton once again became the focus of departmental scrutiny Monday when he was written up for the second time in less than a month by his immediate supervisor, presidential second-shift crew manager Diane Helbke. It was the third such incident this pay period for the embattled president.

CNN Launches ‘CNN For The Shuttle Bus From The Airport To The Hotel’ News Channel

ATLANTA—In its ongoing quest to provide the American business traveler with the most convenient access to up-to-the-minute news, sports, weather and financial information possible, CNN unveiled Monday its new "CNN For The Shuttle Bus From The Airport To The Hotel" channel. "No longer will this nation’s on-the-go executives be cruelly cut off from the latest stock quotes and golf scores during the five-minute ride from the airport, where CNN Airport News is available, to the hotel, where regular CNN is available," CNN’s Ed Gilkey said. "Such inconvenience is finally a thing of the past."

My Autobiography, Now In Stereo-scope

Now that my long-awaited autobiography, God-damn The Lot Of You!, has become the publishing triumph of the season, I am proud to announce that this great work will soon be made available on stereo-scope. The public will be able to view events from my life in arresting three-dimensional depth unattainable from the regular photo-graphic view.

The World Music Phenomenon

International, or "world music," has exploded in poularity in recent years, attracting a sizable mainstream audience. Whay are people turning to it?

United Nations Condemns American Tourist Traps As Inhumane

UNITED NATIONS—In a sternly worded resolution citing "a shameful violation of Americans' basic right to dignity while on vacation," the United Nations Commission On Human Rights condemned the U.S. Monday for its tolerance of tourist traps, calling for an immediate ban on mystery spots, wonder caverns, and fantasy worlds.

Orphanage Saved By Bikini Car Wash

VAN NUYS, CA—The forces of morally upstanding civic involvement and partial nudity won out over corporate greed Saturday when a group of charitable, concerned citizens—all voluptuous young women between the ages of 19 and 23—saved a local orphanage from foreclosure at the hands of uncaring real-estate agents by holding a bikini car wash.

Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife

NASHUA, NH—Pastor Bob Snowdon, of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church in Nashua, is a man of deep religious and moral convictions. He derives great satisfaction from his various parish duties—reciting the liturgy, giving holy communion, and performing the sacrament of baptism. But nothing delights him quite like his favorite activity of all: fucking Emily Snowdon, his holy-wedded wife of 19 years.

Maybe Baby?

What a crazy month and a half this has been! First, my brother Kevin and his family dropped by for a surprise visit. They were driving up from Indiana on their way to South Dakota to see Wall Drug and buy fireworks, and Kevin called us from the big Shell station on Hwy. 27 saying they'd be coming by in half an hour. You should have seen me trying to clean the joint! I was frantic! Of course, the apartment was a pig sty, which was mostly due to all of hubby Rick's old pizza boxes lying around. He says cleaning is woman's work. (If that's true, then I guess sleeping is man's work, since that's what Rick does all weekend whenever he doesn't have to be at the tire center!)
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Chuck Yeager Dies In Fiery Kitchen Mishap

MOJAVE, CA—Chuck Yeager, the stoic, hard-living, daredevil Air Force test pilot whose never-say-die approach and fearless pushing of the limits of human achievement were immortalized in Tom Wolfe's The Right Stuff, died in a dramatic wall of flames Monday when a malfunction occurred in the electronic components of his kitchen’s microwave oven. Yeager—who had survived high-speed stress-induced blackouts, engine burnouts and experimental-jet crash landings to set altitude and speed records, including his legendary 1947 breaking of the sound barrier—was reportedly toasting several bite-sized pizza pockets at the time of the equipment breakdown. "Chuck could’ve gotten out," retired Air Force captain and longtime Yeager friend Vernon Sawyer said. "But he insisted on finishing what he set out to do: heat and consume those snack-food items. He was very brave."