Supreme Court Overturns Car

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Issue 3218

Rick Moranis To Star In Straight-To-Video Release Honey, I Shrunk Some More Shit

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Disney Pictures announced Monday that it has signed Rick Moranis to star in Honey, I Shrunk Some More Shit, the 27th production in the ongoing TV and film franchise. "All heck breaks loose when the family’s lawn mower is shrunk to the size of a little toy mower," Disney CEO Michael Eisner told reporters. "And then the refrigerator shrinks. Then the family’s new piano, then the guy who checks the gas meter, then, for an over-the-top climax, the oldest son’s bicycle." Said Moranis: "Basically, I’m going to be running around the house, shrinking a whole bunch of shit."

Enormous Man Spends Another Day Indoors

DECATUR, IL—Area large man Lawrence Schickle reinforced his sedentary lifestyle Sunday with the decision to remain in bed all day. "I shall not venture out of doors for the remainder of the weekend," the morbidly obese Schickle said. "I may not even go to the bathroom if I can possibly postpone it until Monday morning." Citing exhaustion from the previous Tuesday’s taping of a Simon & Simon rerun, Schickle said he would spend the day watching cable TV and eating institutional-sized cans of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee Beef Ravioli.

Longtime Employee Given Small Pewter Object

ROANOKE, VA—Thomas Campa, a retiring 40-year employee of Wadman & Long Distributing, was presented with a small pewter object Tuesday in recognition of his four decades with the company. "This is our way of saying ‘Thank you’ for all you have given Wadman & Long over the years," CEO Michael Dutler said. The pewter object, described by witnesses as "shiny," was nestled in an attractive cardboard display case, cushioned by a perforated imitation-velvet card. The object was bestowed upon Campa in an approximately one-minute ceremony at his desk at 4:54 p.m., after which cake was served. Campa, who has reportedly missed eight days of work in his career, observed the milestone privately later that night by finishing a bottle of Tanqueray gin.

Nation Horrified By Freakish Multiple Birth

KEARNEY, NE—In these oft-troubled times, it sometimes seems like all America needs is a little hope—some miraculous, life-affirming tale of small-town triumph that puts all the pain and struggle into perspective and reminds us of what life is really all about.

I Gotta Learn To Watch My Mouth

Hola amigos. What up? Me, I've been better. You see, my damn engine busted on my car, so I had to unload it. There was no way I was gonna dump $2,000 into a car I paid $750 for, so I took off the good tires, the kick-ass stereo and the battery, and I sold it to the junkyard for $50.

Uncle Sam Is A Bastard

Yes, I know Uncle Sam, know him very well. He's a god-damn rat bastard scoundrel, and if I ever lay eyes on him again I'll stab him in the throat. It is I who deserves to be the emblem of our great Republic, not that foppish pansy, putting on airs with his starred waist-coat and his red-striped pantaloons and the like.

Clinton Forced To Kneel Before Zod

WASHINGTON, DC—In a formal Oval Office ceremony Monday, President Clinton was stripped of his authority as leader of the free world, forced to kneel before noted Kryptonian despot General Zod. Zod—who recently escaped eternal imprisonment in the Phantom Zone along with companions Ursa and Non—reportedly employed force rays, super-breath and an ability to fly to subdue Army personnel assigned to protect Clinton before taking command of the nation and, by extension, the planet. Several hours later, Clinton was further humiliated by being forced to read a Zod-written concession speech before a global television audience. The president regained some dignity by briefly defying Zod, interrupting the prepared statement to shout, "Superman! Where are you?" into the camera. The Earth is widely believed to be entering a New Order of tyranny and darkness.

The Carry-On Crunch

With record numbers of Americans using air travel, some major airlines are cracking down on the excess carry-on items, limiting passengers to one or two per ticket. How are people dealing with the new restrictions?

Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot

Sir Mix-A-Lot is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

North Dakota Not Heard From In 48 Hours

MIDWEST—Neighboring states are growing increasingly worried about North Dakota after not hearing from the state for 48 hours. "North Dakota tends to keep to itself," a visibly concerned Minnesota said. "But two days without a word just doesn’t seem right: I just hope nothing bad has happened."

More States Shifting Welfare Control To McDonald's

CHICAGO—For the past four years, the first of the month meant one thing to Chicago single mother LaTonya Mitchell: It was the day she could cash her monthly welfare check for $618—barely enough to cover her own expenses, much less purchase clothes, school supplies and double cheeseburgers for her five children.
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Supreme Court Overturns Car

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark reversal of a 19-year-old automobile, the Supreme Court overturned a 1978 Ford Pinto Sunday, effectively ending the car's longstanding upright, "wheels on the ground" position.

D.C. police officials examine the automobile overturned by the nation’s highest court Sunday.

The reversal, which has affected the lives of an estimated 400 motorists on D.C.'s Wisconsin Avenue, was overturned by the nation's highest judicial body at approximately 9 p.m., in what legal experts described as a "strong show of support" for the Washington Redskins' 38-28 victory over the NFC East rival Arizona Cardinals.

Said Justice David Souter, who wrote the majority opinion in the case and played a key role in the car's reversal, lifting the back right tire off the ground: "Whoo! 'Skins rule, motherfuckers!"

Members of the Supreme Court with President Clinton in a 1996 file photo.

Added Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg: "All the way, baby."

Judicial experts agree that the reversal represents the most significant Supreme Court overturning of a motorized vehicle since its controversial 1994 decision to strike down a Yamaha motorcycle during a spring-break binge-drinking free-for-all at Freaknik '94 in Atlanta. Most observers attributed that decision to the presence of a crowd of inebriated African-American college students cheering the justices on, as well as the blaring of rap group Wreckx 'N' Effect's "Rump Shaker."

"By turning this Ford Pinto upside-down in the middle of the street, the Supreme Court has made a clear statement that, as far as the U.S. judicial system is concerned, the Redskins are without question the greatest team ever and cannot be stopped," said Georgetown University law professor Edwin Burber.

The court is set to rule Thursday on whether or not beer bongs are awesome.