WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 64 percent of the nation's work force is ...

GARDEN CITY, NY—With its colorful striped awning, kids' jungle gym in the parking lot, and all-American fare, Ernie's Family Restaurant resembles many other ...

BAGHDAD—The new weapon collects “adorability rays” and converts them into the highly unstable isotope Cutium-109.

CHICAGO—The Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew will soon begin work on their long-awaited follow-up single.

BERN, SWITZERLAND—Angered by rising international tariffs against his nation, Swiss president Gunter Klima threatened a worldwide Ricola embargo Tuesday. "If these unfair tariffs are ...

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—At its quarterly meeting Wednesday, the National Association of Tobacco Growers declared abortion "the most critical issue of our time," resolving to significantly ...

COLUMBUS, OH—Cultural zoologists are mourning the extinction of a species following Monday’s passing of novelist John Updike. The last living novelist, Updike died ...

DETROIT—Detroit-area receptionist Nadine Jackson announced Monday that, after years of being closed-minded like her friends, she has finally come to realize that the Caring ...

LOS ANGELES—Alarmed by the sharp decline in overall U.S. rump-shaking levels in the past 12 months, Zapp Institute director Dr. Roger Troutman announced ...

Why are so many balding men turning to Rogaine?

You will finally reach an agreement with Satan and receive a four-piece chicken dinner with two sides in exchange for your immortal soul.

Sgt. Frank Stempke is a gut-shot policeman whose weekly advice column, Ask A Gut-Shot Policeman, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. His new book, I ...

Oprah Winfrey is being sued in Texas court by beef-industry representatives, who claim that remarks she made on a show about mad-cow disease were "false ...