Zombie Corpse Of Scatman Crothers Speaks Out Against Telemarketing Scams

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Issue 3307

Gated-Community Members Wish There Was Something They Could Do

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Residents of Maplewood Estates, a gated residential neighborhood in the upscale Highland Park suburb of Chicago, announced Tuesday that they wish there was something they could do. "If you look around the world today, there are so many poor people and other terrible things," said resident and bridge enthusiast Marjorie Evans. "It’s very sad." Judith Donnelly, editor of Maplewood Estate’s monthly newsletter Maple Leaves, said she is similarly upset by all the problems to be found outside her police-guarded gates. "It’s such a shame," Donnelly said. "But what can you do?"

Swiss Unable To Maintain Neutrality Toward Delicious Pastries

BERN, SWITZERLAND—The nation of Switzerland ended 183 years of neutrality Wednesday, when the Swiss Federal Assembly unanimously approved an alliance with an assortment platter of Schoenherr Brothers oven-baked pastries. "We remained neutral for as long as we could," said Swiss president Heinrich Koller, "but in light of the flaky crust and delicious fruit fillings these pastries offer, we can no longer refuse an alliance between these wholly scrumptious treats and our tummies." Under the terms the accord, the Swiss military will defend the baked goods should they be invaded.

My Last Will And Testament

I have decided to revise my last will and testament. The person to whom I previously bequeathed my entire estate, the woman with the enormous mammaries, apparently cannot be located, so I will have to designate new heirs. They are as follows:

I Be The Real Employee Of The Month

Yo yo yo yo, whassssuuup, G's. H-Dog in tha house, and you'll pardon me if I dispense with the usual formalities, but I'm out for muthafuckin' REVENGE. You see, some dirty cocksucka dared fuck with me, Tha Stone Cold Funky-Fresh Bad-Ass Of Accountz Reeceevable. I swear, before I sign out for lunch today I'm gonna Hong Kong on that sorry fool's ass. I'm gonna cut him a permanent smile wit' my Letter Opener Of Death. I'm serious. Heads will get flown.

Area Wife Not To Mess With The Stereo Settings

ELGIN, IL—In a strongly worded statement Monday, area husband and hard-working father of four Lloyd Heberstrom made it perfectly clear that his wife is not to mess with the equalizer settings on their SonicCo wall-unit integrated-rack-system home stereo.

Exotic Pet Fever

Ownership of non-traditional pets is on the rise. Why are so many Americans going exotic?

Clinton Threatens To Drop Da Bomb On Iraq

CHOCOLATE CITY—In an address before an emergency session of Parliament Monday, George Clinton said he is prepared to drop Da Bomb on Iraq if Saddam Hussein does not loosen up and comply with U.N. weapons inspectors by the Clinton-imposed deadline of March 1.

Foreign Travel Tips

Traveling abroad can be a wonderful experience, but it's even better when you're prepared. Here are some tips to help make your next trip a safe and enjoyable one:

70 Percent of Americans In Favor of Watching Iraq Get Bombed on TV

WASHINGTON, DC—In what Clinton Administration officials are calling "a people’s mandate" for military action against Iraq, a Time/CNN poll released Monday found that 70 percent of Americans are in favor of watching U.S. air strikes against Iraq on TV. While an overwhelming percentage of Americans are "very supportive" of televised prime-time bombings of Iraq, 91 percent "strongly disapproved" of Thursday-night bombings, unless they were to take place during the half-hour between Seinfeld and ER. Additionally, 43 percent of those polled said the U.S. should bomb Iraq on PBS’s NewsHour With Jim Lehrer "only as a last resort." Thirty-six percent said they would enjoy eating a nice, big meal while watching smart bombs fall on Iraqi targets, while 42 percent said they would prefer a light snack, ideally pretzels, and a beverage. Only 6 percent said they would prefer to watch the bombings with no food or drink at all. Said Secretary of State Madeleine Albright: "Americans are clearly in support of President Clinton’s plan, so long as it is broadcast between 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. EST and features spectacular explosions."
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Zombie Corpse Of Scatman Crothers Speaks Out Against Telemarketing Scams

NEW YORK—In one of the few public appearances since his 1986 death, the reanimated corpse of actor-comedian Scatman Crothers held a press conference Monday to decry telemarketing offers which are misleading or downright fraudulent.

Zombie Corpse Of Scatman Crothers Speaks Out Against Telemarketing Scams

"Consumers were bilked out of almost $300 million last year by bogus phone solicitors," said the rotting, ant-infested carcass of Crothers, who appeared in such films as The Shining and Zapped! "Consumers need to be more aware of the methods and tricks of these scam artists—especially the elderly, the most frequent targets of telephone fraud."

Pausing momentarily to stuff his entrails back into his stomach cavity, Crothers recounted the sad story of Coral Gables, FL, retiree Edna Kalter, who was swindled out of her life savings of $19,000 by a phony sweepstakes offer. "Like many Americans of her generation, Edna was extremely trusting of these friendly-sounding phone solicitors—a fact that they counted on and exploited."

"Any phone notification that you have won a contest you never entered should send up a serious red flag," Crothers said.

Speaking in a raspy shadow of a voice that, even in life, was famously husky and gravelly, the onetime voice behind cartoon superpooch Hong Kong Phooey urged consumers to use extreme caution when approached by phone solicitors. "Never purchase anything over the phone unless you: a) initiate the call yourself; b) know who you are talking to; and c) believe the seller to be reputable," Crothers said.

Another sign that you are dealing with a con artist, the lurching, blue-gray cadaver of the veteran funnyman said, is when a phone solicitor pressures you to make a quick decision. "Ask for a name, address, and phone number where you can reach the caller later, after you've considered the situation," the putrefied, festering Crothers said. "And ask for the complete offer in writing. If they stall or make excuses in any way whatsoever, don't worry about seeming rude. Just say, 'No, thank you,' and hang up."

"And don't be afraid to ask for a financial report if a caller requests a charitable donation," said Crothers, his left arm falling off. "Reputable charities will always be happy to send you this information if you ask."

His flesh sliding off his skull as he spoke, the popular character actor then gave his "absolute, most important" piece of advice: "Never, ever, under any circumstances should you give your credit-card number over the phone. People have lost their entire bank accounts making that mistake."

Crothers then made a plea for live brains.