Evel Knievel To Attempt Huge Leap In Logic

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Issue 3308

Ants Demand 23.9-Hour Workday

STILLWATER, OK—Frustrated with what they describe as unreasonable working conditions, a local clan of carpenter ants went on strike Tuesday to demand that their workday be reduced to 23 hours and 54 minutes. “All we ask is a mere six minutes off each day, so that we might rest and replenish ourselves with nutrient paste,” said ant spokesman HR-23200165-8608. “Is that so unreasonable?” Sources within the ant clan have suggested that the workers are willing to compromise, and would likely accept a 167.65-hour work week. If the strike persists for another three seconds, the queen of the clan has threatened to dispatch her legion of hunter-seeker warrior-class drones to devour the 18,000 ants participating in the strike.

Sixth Grader Begins Work On Pony Trilogy

CANTON, OH—Canton-area sixth-grader Melissa Wright announced plans Monday to begin work on her much-anticipated "Pony Trilogy," a three-part series chronicling her adventures with fictional pony Star Rider. Volume one, tentatively titled Melissa Meets Star Rider, is expected to be completed sometime this week. "It’s gonna be about me and Star Rider having all this fun together, and I’m also gonna talk about how much I love to ride her," Wright said. While Wright did not give exact details of the second and third installments, they are widely expected to touch on Star Rider’s amazing ability to fly, as well as the pony’s acquisition of a magic emerald which grants Wright the power to eavesdrop on anyone she wants to by speaking their name. "Expect this work to take sixth-grade pony fiction in exciting new directions," said George Toffel of Doubleday Press.

PLO Claims Responsibility For Bombing Of Krippendorf’s Tribe

BEIRUT, LEBANON—In one of the deadliest acts of cinematic terrorism in recent years, the Palestinian Liberation Organization claimed responsibility Monday for the bombing of the Touchstone Pictures comedy Krippendorf’s Tribe. "To protest the continued Jewish occupation of our homeland, we have engineered the bombing of this film, creating singularly unappealing promotional ads and posters; giving it a formulaic script filled with tired, unfunny gags; and devoting more than 45 minutes of screen time to a naked, body-painted Richard Dreyfuss," a PLO statement said of the bombing, which claimed the jobs of three Touchstone executives. "Return Palestine to its rightful owners, or we shall mastermind a three-hour Steve Guttenberg/Shelley Long romantic comedy such that the world has never seen."

Heads Need To Be Cracked In!

I know I speak for every organism that has ever existed on the planet when I say that heads need to be cracked in, fast. Cracking people's fucking heads in was my first love, and it shall be my last.

It's My Word Against The Pool Cleaner's

Frankly, Gordon, I'm shocked and hurt that you would consider believing anything that pool cleaner says, even for one second. I mean, I thought that after 16 months of marriage, you'd come to trust me. I know it hasn't been easy for you, with the big difference in our ages and all, but I would never have an affair with anyone in the world, much less one of your servants. Never.

I Paid Too Damn Much For That Car

Hola, amigos. What's the scoop? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got more than my share of shit going on. First off, I got canned from my security job at the warehouse.

The Proper Way To Club A Man

The spring-time sporting season will soon be upon us, and many through-out our Republic will be engaged in spirited matches of base-ball, foot-racing, tug-of-war, hoop-the-ball, and ring-around-the-goose. As you know, many of these games involve the clubbing of the opponent. And, each year, there is no end to my disgust over the ineptness with which most people wield a club, whether it be a billy-club, indian-club or Irish shillelagh. So here is a brief and handy treatise, which you may sever from this news-paper and carry in your pocket-book, on the proper way to cudgel a man. My son V. Lucius demonstrates in the accompanying lithographs.

The Dancing Baby Phenomenon

Recently featured on TV's Ally McBeal, Baby Cha-Cha has captured the imaginations of millions. Why do people love the dancing baby?

Nonconformity Linked To Peer Pressure

ATHENS, GA—According to a study released Tuesday by the University of Georgia's Institute For Social Research, a strong link exists between nonconformity and peer pressure among teenagers and young adults.

Tip Of Area Man’s Tongue Refuses To Relinquish Richard Crenna’s Name

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Despite the best efforts of area resident Guy Reid, the tip of Reid’s tongue remained steadfast Tuesday in its refusal to relinquish the name of veteran film and television actor Richard Crenna. “It’s driving me crazy, it’s right on the tip of my tongue,” Reid, 29, said. “I can totally picture him—he’s been in a whole bunch of stuff. He played that one commander guy in the Rambo movies, and I’m almost positive he was also in that movie with Matt Dillon where they’re at the beach club. Robert... Raymond... Damn!” It is not known whether Reid’s tongue will relinquish the name any time soon. The tongue has previously withheld the names Hector Elizondo, Mark Linn-Baker and Ben Gazzara.
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Evel Knievel To Attempt Huge Leap In Logic

LAS VEGAS—Legendary daredevil Evel Knievel, who has long been famous for performing thrilling, death-defying stunts, will bravely defy common sense at Caesar's Palace Saturday.

In what promises to be his boldest stunt yet, Evel Knievel (above) will attempt an enormous leap in logic, trying to prove that there exists a number x for which there is no possible x+1.

In a bold, never-before-attempted leap of logic, Knievel will attempt to convince a panel of renowned math experts that there exists a single largest integer to which no more can be added.

At noon, with an expected crowd of 25,000 in attendance and millions more watching at home on Fox, a helmeted, jumpsuited Knievel will begin a syllogistic process of gaining larger and larger concessions from the panel of mathematicians, hoping to prove there exists a number x for which there is no possible x+1. If a majority of the 12-member panel agrees with Knievel's reasoning, the leap will be declared successful.

Despite Knievel's history of overcoming impossible odds, many panel members view the jump as reckless and ill-advised.

"With all due respect to Mr. Knievel, he is mad to attempt this," said Quentin Collins, a professor of applied mathematics at Yale University. "I almost declined to serve on the panel in protest of this utterly ill-conceived dance of cerebral mayhem. But I expect Knievel will learn a lesson he will never forget when his fallacious reasoning is sliced to ribbons."

"I worry every time he does this that he'll make a mistake and get hurt," said Robbie Knievel, son of the famous daredevil. "But this is what he wants to do, and I support him."

Safety precautions planned by Knievel for the leap include comprehensive, indexed copies of the writings of Plato; an intellectual "pit crew" of 10 world-class logicians and rhetoricians; and strategically placed fire extinguishers, in case the attempt goes awry.

"My mother always wanted me to get a normal job," Knievel said. "But I gotta do what I gotta do. I believe that this leap of the imagination is possible, and I intend to prove it."

Knievel stressed that kids should not attempt to imitate the stunt, and that it's "cool" to wear a bike helmet.

Knievel, who has broken nearly every bone in his body, gave up physical stunts several years ago and has since turned to more conceptual feats. In November 1995, he thrilled the world with a spectacular triple-leap-of-faith, in which he simultaneously joined the Unification Church of Sun Myung Moon, the Church of Scientology, and Jehovah's Witnesses, accepting in rapid succession the controversial beliefs of all three religions.

A month later, trapped in three contradictory philosophies, Knievel wrestled with existential doubt and rejected all three movements, staging a spectacular fall from grace seen by millions on pay-per-view television.

Knievel's recent career has not been without its setbacks. On April 15, 1997, at the Tropicana Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, Knievel plunged headlong into a morass of complicated tax forms only to be trapped without the necessary personal financial information to complete them.

Emergency accountants intervened, pulling Knievel from the paperwork and completing the tax forms themselves before rushing him to an area hospital.

If successful Saturday, Knievel next plans to visit a Club Med resort in Ixtapa, Mexico, where he will attempt a daring escape from the dreary nine-to-five workaday world.