Reggie White To Host Fox's When Atheletes Talk

Top Headlines

Issue 3314

U.N. Peacekeepers Pulled From Bosnia To Mow Ted Turner's Lawn

MARIETTA, GA—Responding swiftly to "a severe lawncare crisis" in the Southern U.S., a division of U.N. peacekeepers was pulled from Bosnia and deployed to media mogul Ted Turner's estate for emergency groundskeeping Monday. "The deteriorating condition of Mr. Turner's lawn represents a major international crisis that demands immediate attention," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. If the troops complete their mission early, they will receive several days' furlough before being assigned to domestic duty within Turner's mansion.

10-Year-Old Denies Girl-Liking Allegations

RADNOR, PA—At a cafeteria-table press conference Monday, David Pernell, 10, "categorically denied" girl-liking allegations recently levied against him by fellow Lakeview Elementary School fourth-grader Jonathan Witt. "I do not, have not and will not ever like girls," Pernell told the crowd of seven boys assembled at the lunchroom's back table. "Mr. Witt's accusations are not only 100 percent false, but also slanderous, as it has always been my firm conviction that girls are totally and completely gross." Pernell went on to suggest that perhaps it is Witt who likes girls, particularly Jenny Loughlin, 10.

New Demography Today Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic

NEW YORK—Demography Today, a new magazine targeting the demographer demographic, is set to make its debut on U.S. newsstands this week. "Our statistical data indicated that there exists a large, untapped market of people who are interested in statistical data and untapped markets," Demography Today editor-in-chief Lewis Arnell said. "We've created this magazine for just such 22- to 65-year-old demographers who have 2.1 children, spend $1,630 at restaurants annually, and watch 14.5 hours of television per week."

I Can't Stand My Filthy Hippie Owner

Jesus Christ, do I ever hate my filthy fucking hippie owner, Zach. You have no idea the hell I go through, living in this disgusting house with him and his hordes of skank-ass hippie friends.

Report: National Content Now Over 85 Percent Filler

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report issued Monday by the General Content-Assessment Office, the National Content-To-Filler Index (NCFI) currently stands at 85.5 percent. Representing a 22 percent increase from just three years ago, the current NCFI figure is the highest in U.S. history.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: