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Area Asshole Keeps On Top Of Latest Trends In Changing Marketplace

• Clown-Suited Furniture Salesman Not Clowning Around When It Comes To Big Savings

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News

  SPARTANBURG, SC—In a clear case of retail irony, on Monday, Furniture World owner/pitchman Mort Neely appeared in his latest television commercial dressed as a clown–despite the fact that he is in no way "clowning around" or otherwise treating the subject of low furniture prices with irreverence. more»

  

• Supreme Court Rules Restaurant Patron Must Try This Cheesecake

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark 8-1 decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that local diner Phyllis Montague simply must try the cheesecake at the D.C.-area eatery Afternoon Delight. more»

  

• Report: National Content Now Over 85 Percent Filler

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report issued Monday by the General Content-Assessment Office, the National Content-To-Filler Index (NCFI) currently stands at 85.5 percent. Representing a 22 percent increase from just three years ago, the current NCFI figure is the highest in U.S. history. more»

  

• Arafat, Netanyahu Reach Understanding After Zany 'Stuck In Meat Locker' Ordeal

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News

  JERUSALEM—It is believed to be the greatest wacky-adventure-driven improvement in international relations since the 1995 Sinn Fein elevator incident. more»

  

• Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News in Brief

  DUBUQUE, IA—An era came to an end Tuesday when Pat's Place, the nation's last themeless restaurant, closed its doors in Dubuque. "We achieved a certain local notoriety for our unique non-themed food and unadorned atmosphere," said owner Patrick Baines, "but sales were sluggish, as most people would just come in to gawk at our photoless walls and mundanely named menu items like 'hamburger' and 'pancakes.' Then they would head over to the Rainforest Cafe, Hard Rock Cafe, Planet Hollywood, All-Star Cafe, Johnny Rocket's or Disney Cafe down the street." Once vacated by Baines, the building will become home to Dubuque's seventh Paddy O'Touchdown's Irish Sports Bar & Good-Tyme Internet Grill. more»

• Another Friends Star To Appear In Another Big-Screen Bomb

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—On Monday, actor David Schwimmer began filming for Can't Help Myself, a Buena Vista Pictures romantic comedy that promises to be yet another big-screen bomb starring a Friends cast member. Slated for December release, Can't Help Myself will join such previous Friends-star-driven bombs as Picture Perfect, Ed, Fools Rush In, The Pallbearer, Kissing A Fool, 'Til There Was You, Romy And Michele's High School Reunion, and She's The One, as well as such soon-to-be-released bombs as Jennifer Aniston's Object Of My Affection and Courteney Cox's Alien Love Triangle. more»

• New Demography Today Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Demography Today, a new magazine targeting the demographer demographic, is set to make its debut on U.S. newsstands this week. "Our statistical data indicated that there exists a large, untapped market of people who are interested in statistical data and untapped markets," Demography Today editor-in-chief Lewis Arnell said. "We've created this magazine for just such 22- to 65-year-old demographers who have 2.1 children, spend $1,630 at restaurants annually, and watch 14.5 hours of television per week." more»

• 10-Year-Old Denies Girl-Liking Allegations

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News in Brief

  RADNOR, PA—At a cafeteria-table press conference Monday, David Pernell, 10, "categorically denied" girl-liking allegations recently levied against him by fellow Lakeview Elementary School fourth-grader Jonathan Witt. "I do not, have not and will not ever like girls," Pernell told the crowd of seven boys assembled at the lunchroom's back table. "Mr. Witt's accusations are not only 100 percent false, but also slanderous, as it has always been my firm conviction that girls are totally and completely gross." Pernell went on to suggest that perhaps it is Witt who likes girls, particularly Jenny Loughlin, 10. more»

• U.N. Peacekeepers Pulled From Bosnia To Mow Ted Turner's Lawn

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News in Brief

  MARIETTA, GA—Responding swiftly to "a severe lawncare crisis" in the Southern U.S., a division of U.N. peacekeepers was pulled from Bosnia and deployed to media mogul Ted Turner's estate for emergency groundskeeping Monday. "The deteriorating condition of Mr. Turner's lawn represents a major international crisis that demands immediate attention," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. If the troops complete their mission early, they will receive several days' furlough before being assigned to domestic duty within Turner's mansion. more»

• The New Impotence Pill

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | Infographic

  Last week, the FDA approved Viagra, the first-ever impotence pill. What effects are men who have tried the pill reporting? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of April 15, 1998

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | Horoscope

  Your attempts to smuggle Chinese heroin into post-war Belgium will be foiled when you run afoul of a do-gooder boy reporter and his faithful little white dog. more»

• Lifelong Newport Smoker Barely Alive With Pleasure

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News in Photos

  

• Wal-Mart Bans Semi-Nude Pantyhose

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News in Photos

  

• Navy Frogmen Recover Clinton's Head

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News in Photos

  more»

  

• Reggie White To Host Fox's When Atheletes Talk

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | News in Photos

  more»

  

• Good Times Are Few And Far Between

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | Commentary

  Hola, amigos. What's the haps? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've had some serious problems of late, automotive and otherwise. more»

• Civilization Is Collapsing

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | Commentary

  Many times I have mentioned that I believe to-day's news-paper trade to be an abomination. Back when I was editor-in-chief of The Onion, we printed nothing but cold, hard facts and had the other dailies scooped before the ink on their front pages even dried. Our coverage of the latest wife-beatings and the opium dens bested even that of the vaunted Police Gazette! more»

• I Can't Stand My Filthy Hippie Owner

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | Commentary

  Jesus Christ, do I ever hate my filthy fucking hippie owner, Zach. You have no idea the hell I go through, living in this disgusting house with him and his hordes of skank-ass hippie friends. more»

• What To Do In Case Of Fire

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | Tips

  Knowing what to do when there is a fire can mean the difference between life and death. If your house is on fire, and you are trapped inside, you should: more»

  

• Skyrocketing TV-Star Salaries

  ISSUE 33•14 | 04.15.98 | American Voices

  Next year, Helen Hunt will earn $1 million per episode of Mad About You. NBC offered Jerry Seinfeld $3 million per episode to continue Seinfeld. What do you think about the recent explosion in television stars' salaries? more»