Reggie White To Host Fox's When Atheletes Talk

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Issue 3314

U.N. Peacekeepers Pulled From Bosnia To Mow Ted Turner's Lawn

MARIETTA, GA—Responding swiftly to "a severe lawncare crisis" in the Southern U.S., a division of U.N. peacekeepers was pulled from Bosnia and deployed to media mogul Ted Turner's estate for emergency groundskeeping Monday. "The deteriorating condition of Mr. Turner's lawn represents a major international crisis that demands immediate attention," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. If the troops complete their mission early, they will receive several days' furlough before being assigned to domestic duty within Turner's mansion.

10-Year-Old Denies Girl-Liking Allegations

RADNOR, PA—At a cafeteria-table press conference Monday, David Pernell, 10, "categorically denied" girl-liking allegations recently levied against him by fellow Lakeview Elementary School fourth-grader Jonathan Witt. "I do not, have not and will not ever like girls," Pernell told the crowd of seven boys assembled at the lunchroom's back table. "Mr. Witt's accusations are not only 100 percent false, but also slanderous, as it has always been my firm conviction that girls are totally and completely gross." Pernell went on to suggest that perhaps it is Witt who likes girls, particularly Jenny Loughlin, 10.

New Demography Today Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic

NEW YORK—Demography Today, a new magazine targeting the demographer demographic, is set to make its debut on U.S. newsstands this week. "Our statistical data indicated that there exists a large, untapped market of people who are interested in statistical data and untapped markets," Demography Today editor-in-chief Lewis Arnell said. "We've created this magazine for just such 22- to 65-year-old demographers who have 2.1 children, spend $1,630 at restaurants annually, and watch 14.5 hours of television per week."

I Can't Stand My Filthy Hippie Owner

Jesus Christ, do I ever hate my filthy fucking hippie owner, Zach. You have no idea the hell I go through, living in this disgusting house with him and his hordes of skank-ass hippie friends.

Report: National Content Now Over 85 Percent Filler

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report issued Monday by the General Content-Assessment Office, the National Content-To-Filler Index (NCFI) currently stands at 85.5 percent. Representing a 22 percent increase from just three years ago, the current NCFI figure is the highest in U.S. history.

Civilization Is Collapsing

Many times I have mentioned that I believe to-day's news-paper trade to be an abomination. Back when I was editor-in-chief of The Onion, we printed nothing but cold, hard facts and had the other dailies scooped before the ink on their front pages even dried. Our coverage of the latest wife-beatings and the opium dens bested even that of the vaunted Police Gazette!

Good Times Are Few And Far Between

Hola, amigos. What's the haps? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've had some serious problems of late, automotive and otherwise.

Another Friends Star To Appear In Another Big-Screen Bomb

LOS ANGELES—On Monday, actor David Schwimmer began filming for Can't Help Myself, a Buena Vista Pictures romantic comedy that promises to be yet another big-screen bomb starring a Friends cast member. Slated for December release, Can't Help Myself will join such previous Friends-star-driven bombs as Picture Perfect, Ed, Fools Rush In, The Pallbearer, Kissing A Fool, 'Til There Was You, Romy And Michele's High School Reunion, and She's The One, as well as such soon-to-be-released bombs as Jennifer Aniston's Object Of My Affection and Courteney Cox's Alien Love Triangle.

What To Do In Case Of Fire

Knowing what to do when there is a fire can mean the difference between life and death. If your house is on fire, and you are trapped inside, you should:

The New Impotence Pill

Last week, the FDA approved Viagra, the first-ever impotence pill. What effects are men who have tried the pill reporting?
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