Husband Calls For Greater Restrictions On Pier One Imports

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Issue 3316

Bank Patrons Can Expect Same Poor Service After Merger

ROANOKE, VA—A day after the bank's record-breaking $42 billion merger with First Federal of Virginia, spokespersons for Midlantic Trust held a press conference Monday to assure Midlantic customers that they can still expect the same atrocious service they have always received in the past. "Just because we've merged with First Federal doesn't mean we've changed," Midlantic president Harlan Shore said. "In the future, you can expect the same long lines, stand-offish tellers, and exorbitantly high loan rates you've come to count on here at Midlantic."

Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer Co-Sign Apartment Lease

IRVINE, CA—In a mega-deal that is sending shockwaves through the apartment-rental industry, rappers Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer co-signed a one-year, $550-a-month lease Tuesday. The deal, which includes heat, on-street parking and utilities, guarantees the early-'90s superstars a place to live through September 1999. "I am extremely excited about this joint-living venture between myself and MC Hammer," Vanilla Ice said. "I look forward to sharing this two-bedroom apartment with him and am confident we can work together to keep the kitchen and living-room areas clean." The pair is not permitted to have pets.

Area Stoner Has Mind-Blowing Out-Of-Cheetos Experience

AUSTIN, TX—Area stoner Clyde "Duane" Fontaine, a self-described "part-time mop guy and full-time connoisseur of el primo cheeba cheeba," had a transcendent, mind-blowing moment of insight during a mystical out-of-Cheetos experience Monday.

Funny Monkey Tested On

DAYTON, OH—Captain Bananas, a funny little monkey whose simian shenanigans never fail to crack up everyone he meets, was strenuously and repeatedly tested on at ViviTech Consumer Products Research Laboratory last week.

I Lost 32 Pounds In 15 Days And Died!

I never knew losing those extra pounds could be so easy until I discovered VitaLoss. With the help of this miracle weight-loss system, developed by nutritionists at ProStart labs, I lost 32 pounds in 15 days, and died!

I Should Not Be On A Postage Stamp Yet

One of my favorite past-times is perusing my valuable postage-stamp collection. It is an avocation I took up shortly after my court-enforced retirement in 1954. I was a skeptic at first, but my son R. Buckminster is an avid hobbyist, and he assured me that stamp-collecting is the sport of manly gentlemen.

Return Of The Rat Pack

The Rat Pack—the swinging '60s crowd led by Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.—is enjoying a resurgence in popularity, with several books and films about them in the works. why are people once again interested?

Newborn Baby Imprisons Area Man

SAUK PRAIRIE, WI—Area high-school graduate and part-time gas-station attendant Greg Peters, 18, was eternally imprisoned Monday by the healthy birth of his son Herman, a seven-pound, three-ounce child delivered by Lisa Sandveldt, Peters' girlfriend of 17 months, at Sauk Prairie Community Hospital.

Another Bunch Of Southerners Dead

THE SOUTH—Yet another deadly tornado, hurricane, flash flood or some other weather disaster ripped through the Southeast Monday, leaving yet another bunch of Southerners dead in its wake. The disaster—which overturned yet another 2,700 mobile homes, submerged yet another 1,500 cars, and left yet another 55,000 people without electricity and water—is said to be the worst in Texas, Florida, Tennessee or some other place down South since last Friday.

71 Percent Of Americans Approve Of Clinton's Approval Rating

WASHINGTON, DC—A poll released Monday by the D.C.-based firm Hahn & Associates revealed that 71 percent of Americans approve of President Clinton's current approval rating of 63 percent. According to the poll, just 11 percent of Americans believe Clinton's approval rating should be "significantly lower," while 18 percent believe it should be "much higher." "This poll is a clear public mandate for the president, as a great majority of Americans strongly support his current level of support," White House press secretary Mike McCurry said. The 71 percent represents Clinton's highest approval-rating approval rating since taking office.

Clinton Criticized For Not Supporting Local Music Scene

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton, under fire for numerous allegations of Whitewater wrongdoing and sexual misconduct, found himself the subject of further scrutiny Monday, when a group of D.C.-area musicians and scenesters took him to task for failure to support the local music scene.
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Husband Calls For Greater Restrictions On Pier One Imports

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Fed up with what he called an "unacceptably high influx" of wicker crap into the Pollan home, Arlington Heights husband John Pollan called for tougher restrictions on Pier One imports during a living-room press conference Monday. "If steps are not taken, this house will soon be overrun by end tables, pillowcases, glassware, throw rugs, bath towels, lamps and stationery," said Pollan, addressing his wife, Suzanne. "The flow of Pier One imports into this house must be significantly reduced, or I will order a total embargo on merchandise from that store, as well as a freeze on all joint credit-card accounts."