Newborn Baby Imprisons Area Man
SAUK PRAIRIE, WI—Area high-school graduate and part-time gas-station attendant Greg Peters, 18, was eternally imprisoned Monday by the healthy birth of his son Herman ...
Issue 3316
Networks Urge Scientists To Release Latest Breast-Cancer Findings During Sweeps Week
NEW YORK—A coalition of network-news executives made an appeal to breast-cancer researchers Monday, urging them to release any new findings about the disease in ...
Funny Monkey Tested On
DAYTON, OH—Captain Bananas, a funny little monkey whose simian shenanigans never fail to crack up everyone he meets, was strenuously and repeatedly tested on ...
Area Stoner Has Mind-Blowing Out-Of-Cheetos Experience
AUSTIN, TX—Area stoner Clyde "Duane" Fontaine, a self-described "part-time mop guy and full-time connoisseur of el primo cheeba cheeba," had a transcendent, mind-blowing moment ...
71 Percent Of Americans Approve Of Clinton's Approval Rating
WASHINGTON, DC—A poll released Monday by the D.C.-based firm Hahn & Associates revealed that 71 percent of Americans approve of President Clinton's ...
Another Bunch Of Southerners Dead
THE SOUTH—Yet another deadly tornado, hurricane, flash flood or some other weather disaster ripped through the Southeast Monday, leaving yet another bunch of Southerners ...
Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer Co-Sign Apartment Lease
IRVINE, CA—In a mega-deal that is sending shockwaves through the apartment-rental industry, rappers Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer co-signed a one-year, $550-a-month lease Tuesday ...
Bank Patrons Can Expect Same Poor Service After Merger
ROANOKE, VA—A day after the bank's record-breaking $42 billion merger with First Federal of Virginia, spokespersons for Midlantic Trust held a press conference ...
Husband Calls For Greater Restrictions On Pier One Imports
ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Fed up with what he called an "unacceptably high influx" of wicker crap into the Pollan home, Arlington Heights husband John Pollan ...
Return Of The Rat Pack
The Rat Pack—the swinging '60s crowd led by Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.—is enjoying a resurgence in popularity, with several ...
Horoscope for the week of April 29, 1998
Police officers are unable to determine the cause of your death until they uncover the giant syringe, human sex hormones, and disabled safety-lock on your ...
Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room
Joseph Crandall is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room, appears in ...
The Shroud Of Turin
On public display for the first time in 20 years, the Shroud Of Turin—believed by millions to be Christ's burial shroud, despite being ...
