Christ Announces Hiring Of Associate Christ

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Issue 3317

Koko The Gorilla Now Just Flipping Everybody Off

WOODSIDE, CA–Koko, the famed gorilla whose mastery of sign language made her a celebrity, has now resorted to flipping everybody off. "Apparently, after more than 20 years of rigorous sign-language training and cue-card drills, Koko is sick of being the world's foremost test ape," said Koko trainer Dr. Francine Patterson. "Yesterday, she gave me the hand sign for 'Leave me the hell alone, already. I am an intelligent creature who has more than adequately demonstrated my vast capacity for reasoning and other high-level brain functions. Go away, and let me eat my banana in peace.'"

Astronomers Predict Giant Asteroid Will Hit Nation's Theaters This Summer

PALO ALTO, CA–Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory warned the U.S. government Monday that a six-mile-wide asteroid will strike movie theaters nationwide this summer. "America's moviegoers are about to be hit from above with non-stop thrills," observatory director Phillip Howard said. "If safety measures are not taken at once, the entire human race is in danger of being blown away by spectacular special effects and non-stop action." Top Clinton cabinet members are meeting with Pentagon officials to see whether a barrage of missiles might destroy the $70 million Paramount Pictures release before it comes dangerously close to a theater near you.

Clinton, Hagar Meet To Discuss Federal Speed-Limit Issues

WASHINGTON, DC–On Tuesday, President Clinton held a special closed-door session with veteran rocker and automotive-acceleration activist Sammy Hagar to discuss key federal speed-limit issues. "Mr. Hagar and I made good progress, and I now have a much better understanding of his strong opposition to the current 55-mile-per-hour speed limit," Clinton said. "I am confident a compromise can be reached." Hagar, who has been written up for speeds reaching upwards of 145 and whose license has been taken and all that jive on numerous occasions, is calling for the speed limit to be raised to 250.

Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That

WASHINGTON, DC–Frustrated and "no longer fooling around," the nation's substitute teachers publicly demanded Monday to know the identity of the student who threw that. "We are really starting to get fed up here," said Paula Jenkins, president of the National Association Of Substitute Teachers. "We want to know who threw that right now, and we are not kidding." If the perpetrator is not revealed within the next minute, the substitutes have threatened to leave the nation's regular teachers a scathing report detailing the misbehavior of U.S. students while they were out.

Gore Reprimanded For Failure To Look Busy

WASHINGTON, DC—The embattled Clinton Administration found itself engulfed in still more controversy Wednesday, when The Washington Post reported that Vice-President Al Gore has been formally reprimanded by a federal grand jury for failing to look busy.

Human Affection Now Available Only From Grandparents, Down Syndrome Children

SEATTLE—In findings likely to have major ramifications on interpersonal relations throughout society, researchers at the University of Washington's Institute For Advanced Behavioral Studies announced Monday that human affection—the unconditional expression of feelings of warmth and approval toward another individual—is now only available from two sources: grandparents born before the year 1938 and children afflicted with the genetic disorder Down Syndrome.

Zweibel Gets Nostalgic

How I wish I was a young boy again, happily playing shuttle-cock and whisk-the-whippet with my little chums!

The Milli Vanilli Saga Meets A Tragic End!

Item! Grammy-winning superduo Milli Vanilli is no more! It breaks my heart to report this, but one of the members died in Germany of a drug overdose! I don't know if it was Milli or Vanilli, but whichever it was, this drug madness has got to stop. Why would someone like Milli or Vanilli, a man who had it all, turn to drugs? It just boggles the mind. I want to leave you with an impromptu prayer for the departed: Milli or Vanilli, you know it's true. Ooh, ooh, ooh, we loved you. Rest in peace, friend.

I Think That Stripper Really Liked Me

I know what you're going to say when I tell you this, but I think that stripper down at The Kitten Klub really liked me. The little red-haired one, Kandi. I don't know what it was, but we just seemed to have this... connection.

Israel at 50

Israel turns 50 this year. How are Israelis celebrating the event?

Cherokee Nation Leader Announces 32 Red A Winner

CATOOSA, OK–Joe Byrd, Principal Chief of the Cherokee Nation, issued a table-wide proclamation Saturday, declaring 32 red a winner. "And 32 red is a winner," the leader of the Oklahoma tribe announced. "A big payoff for the little lady." Byrd became pit boss of the Cherokee Nation's roulette table in a peyote ceremony last week following a six-month stint supervising the tribe's 25 blackjack tables.
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Christ Announces Hiring Of Associate Christ

JERUSALEM—Overwhelmed by a constant deluge of prayers and appeals for salvation, Jesus Christ announced Monday the hiring of Tacoma, WA, customer-service supervisor Dean Smoler as Associate Christ.

Jesus Christ, swamped by requests for guidance and divine forgiveness, hired 38-year-old Dean Smoler (left) as the first-ever Assistant Savior.

"I've been in need of an Assistant Savior for a long time now, and I'm thrilled to finally have one," Christ told reporters at a press conference aired on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. "Dean is an experienced guy who will really help ease my workload."

With the hiring, effective June 1, Christians seeking spiritual aid or guidance will be able to pray to either Jesus or Dean.

"This is an extremely exciting opportunity for me, and I look forward to hearing your prayers," Smoler said. "To the millions of Christians around the world, I just want you to know that I am here for you, should you wander down the wrong path. If Jesus happens to be busy, please feel free to turn to me in your darkest hour."

"You can expect the same great service from me that you've always gotten from Jesus," Smoler said.

Jesus said He chose Smoler for the Assistant Christ position because of his considerable experience in dealing with the public. In addition to his six-year stint as customer-service supervisor with the Tacoma-based Consolidated Coolers, the nation's third-largest manufacturer of coolers and thermoses, Smoler worked for nine years as a human-resources manager with Sears.

Though some observers have questioned whether Smoler will be able to absolve Christians of earthly wrongdoings, having never died on the cross for humanity's sins, Christ dismisses such claims, saying that he has "complete faith in Dean."

Assistant Savior

"Whatever you wish to say unto me, you can say unto Dean Smoler," Christ said. "I am 100 percent confident that Dean is fully capable of bathing you in the healing light of forgiveness and salvation. Turn to Dean, and you shall not go astray."

From now on, Jesus advised Christians to address prayers to, "Our Lord or His Associate," "Jesus or Dean," or "Jesus or anyone acting in His employ."

Monday's hiring has led many Catholic Church insiders to speculate that, once Christ retires, Smoler will become the One True Savior and Son of God.

"After nearly 2,000 years of flock-leading, Christ appears to be getting tired," said Cardinal John O'Connor of New York. "I strongly suspect that Dean is being groomed as his successor."

Lending credence to such suspicions is a new book of the Holy Bible, which details Smoler's newfound authority and divinity. The book, tentatively titled, "The First Letter Of Dean To Mankind," will be included in the updated 1999 Bible.

Smoler's hiring as the first-ever vice-Christ is being well-received by Christians.

"If Jesus says it's okay to pray to Dean, then it's all right by me," said Grand Rapids, MI, resident John Bouton.

"I accept Dean Smoler in my heart and will pray to Him daily for eternal salvation," Beatrice Moorehead of Montgomery, AL, said. "Jesus and Dean are Lord."