Critically Wounded Clinton Crawls To Nearest Farmhouse For Help

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Issue 3318

Evil Genius' Cat Subpoenaed

WASHINGTON, DC–Esmerelda, the fluffy white Persian cat owned by evil genius Dr. Kronos, was subpoenaed Monday to testify regarding the alleged subterranean activities of Kronos. "The cat in question will be asked what she knows about Kronos' trafficking of plutonium across international borders, as well his construction of a massive undersea lair beneath the Pacific Ocean and the creation of an electro-pulse ray that can cause entire city populations to collapse of a seizure." In exchange for her testimony, Esmerelda will be granted full immunity, as well as a tin of Liverpool kippers served in a crystal goblet, precisely as she likes.

Résumé Accidentally Kept On File

CHICAGO–In a blunder being attributed to "clerical oversight," the Chicago ad agency of Meacham & Braun accidentally kept the résumé of recent University of Illinois graduate Chris DiMaio on file Monday. "We regret the inadvertent fulfillment of our promise to Mr. DiMaio to retain his résumé for future reference should a position that suits him become available at Meacham & Braun," said agency director Thomas Graydon. "As a result of this error, we are investigating our résumé-processing system and are confident that future résumés remitted to us, with the exception of those few that impress us, will be disposed of surreptitiously while we pacify the applicant with platitudes."

Motor Trend Car Of Year Stripped Of Title After Appearing As Hot Rod Centerfold

NEW YORK–Motor Trend magazine stripped the 1998 Chevrolet Corvette of its "Car Of The Year" title following the sportscar's appearance as Hot Rod magazine's June centerfold. "The Corvette has conducted itself in a manner unbecoming of a Motor Trend Car Of The Year," Motor Trend editor-in-chief Paul Brookman said, "and we can no longer in good conscience allow this automobile to represent the crown." Car Of The Year first runner-up, the 1998 Pontiac Grand Prix, will take the Corvette's place.

Senate Committee Links Child Poverty To Lack Of Child Jobs

WASHINGTON, DC–The Senate Select Committee On Child Poverty released a report Monday attributing the large number of American children living below the poverty line to a lack of child jobs. "If you want to know why 14 million children in this country are living in poverty, all you have to do is take a look at the U.S. child-unemployment rate–it currently stands at 99 percent," said committee chair Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS). "If we are to have any chance of fighting child hunger, illiteracy and illness, we need to get these kids back on their feet and working again."

Free Needles To Drug Users?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming that such a plan would only encourage drug use. What do you think?

Couple Upstairs Going At It Again

BROOKLYN, NY–For the ninth time in as many hours, the couple upstairs went at it yet again at 4 a.m. Tuesday, hammering away at one another in an impressive display of sexual stamina and tenacity, apartment-directly-below sources said.

I'll Smoke Anything

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty. Some smoke only herbal cigarettes. Others smoke only Indian beedies. Why's everyone so picky? I don't understand. Me? I'll smoke anything!
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Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Race Relations

Critically Wounded Clinton Crawls To Nearest Farmhouse For Help

BECKLEY, WV—President Clinton is recovering today following a harrowing weekend ordeal in which he was critically injured while lost in the West Virginia woods, narrowly escaping death by crawling over 20 miles to a farmhouse for help.

The farmhouse where a near-death Clinton found refuge.

"I am all right," said a battered and bruised Clinton, speaking from an upstairs bed in the farmhouse, where he is being tended to by the house's elderly matron, Mrs. Boggs. "I am just glad to be alive."

The ordeal began Friday, when Clinton, Labor Secretary Alexis Herman and several other top Labor Department officials were meeting with out-of-work coalminers in an economically depressed region of central West Virginia.

President Bill Clinton

"We were all walking down a wooded path toward a coalminer's home when, somehow, I got separated from the group," Clinton said. "I don't know how it happened, but I suddenly found myself alone in a strange wooded area. I called out to Secretary Herman and the others, but it was to no avail."

For the next several hours, Clinton attempted to backtrack to the main road, but his surroundings became increasingly unfamiliar. "The more I tried to find my way back, the more lost I got," the president said. "The trees, the birds, the sounds of the forest–everything I saw and heard seemed foreign to me. I was becoming extremely concerned about the situation."

As the hours continued to pass, an exhausted Clinton faced the additional problem of hunger and thirst. Uncertain which of the forest's berries were safe to eat, he subsisted on tree bark and grass, wringing out moisture from damp moss for water. The president also fashioned a crude syrup tap, which he used to draw sap from the trees.

At approximately 6 p.m., Clinton sustained his most serious injuries when he was attacked by an unidentified animal.

"I heard a sound coming from a far-off clearing. Hoping it was a hunter or camper, I headed toward it," Clinton said. "As I got closer, I heard some rustling sounds, and I shouted hello. But when I did, a creature came charging at me. I am not sure what it was: It looked like a bear, but it was gray and not quite big enough to be a bear. I ran for approximately 50 yards, but it caught me when I tripped over a log. I tried to get up and continue to run, but my ankle was pinned."

The bear-like animal then set upon the president, ferociously biting his neck and tearing at his suit with his sharp claws. Clinton said he was moments from being mauled to death when a crack of thunder in the distance startled the creature, sending it scurrying off.

"I was extremely fortunate," Clinton said. "If not for that thunder, it is entirely possible I would not be alive today."

Clinton sustained four broken ribs and a punctured right lung in the attack. His left ankle was also broken, rendering him unable to walk. Bleeding internally and badly disoriented, he proceeded to crawl for nearly 22 hours through the thick forest underbrush.

At 9 p.m. Saturday, Clinton finally reached the farmhouse, where he was taken in by its owner.

"Mrs. Boggs dressed my wounds and gave me a blanket," said Clinton, his face still badly scratched from his crawl through the forest. "She also fed me a hot bowl of oatmeal and drew me a bath. I can never repay her for her kindness."

Clinton is expected to return to Washington Thursday.

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