School Shootings

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Issue 3321

Area New York Times 98 Percent Unread

NASHUA, NH—A copy of Monday's New York Times was discarded at approximately 6:40 p.m. Monday, with only two percent of its content read. "I skimmed the front-page headlines, and then I looked at the sports scores and part of a movie review," Times subscriber Hal Ruggerio said. "Then I chucked it." Among the features not read by Ruggerio were a Jeanne Kirkpatrick op-ed on the geopolitical ramifications of the nuclear race on the Indian sub-continent, a review of John McPhee's latest collection of essays, and the obituary of a former U.S. ambassador to Uruguay.

USA Original Movie Not That Original

LOS ANGELES—It was learned Tuesday that Brute Force, a USA Original Movie slated to air on the USA cable network this Saturday, is actually not all that original. "Despite its billing, this so-called 'original' movie is, in fact, remarkably similar to many other movies," said film critic Irwin Schloss. "From the mysterious drifter's encounter with the schoolteacher with a dark secret to the climactic waterfront chase scene, you've no doubt seen all this before." A USA spokesman defended Brute Force and noted that summer will be hotter than ever on USA, thanks to all-new, totally original movies like Bare Ambition, an erotic thriller starring Dana Plato.

Family Dog Ignored For 11th Straight Year

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—Brownie, a 12-year-old mixed-breed dog owned by the Wilcox family of Klamath Falls, reached its 11th year of being ignored Monday. "The first year or so we had Brownie, we paid a lot of attention to him and played with him constantly," father Mitchell Wilcox said. "But after that, the novelty of having a dog wore off, and we all started to ignore him, even the kids. Now, I suppose, we're just waiting for him to die." Experts predict that Brownie will tolerate two to three more years of disregard before attacking a family member, at which time he will be declared senile and euthanized.

Birthday Boy Admits Accepting Gifts

ARLINGTON, VA—Under heavy scrutiny for alleged improper conduct in connection with his recent 10th birthday, Arlington-area birthday boy Joshua Stern admitted to accepting gifts Monday, but vehemently denied any wrongdoing in the matter. "My receipt of these gifts was in no way unethical or improper. No special favors or perks were conferred upon Aunt Patricia in exchange for the Godzilla action figure," Stern told reporters. "Likewise, the Sony Playstation I received from my parents was an unconditional gift, wholly unrelated to my cleaning of the family garage five days prior."

New 92-Grain Bread Depletes Majority Of World's Resources

UNITED NATIONS—A report released Monday by the World Health Organization states that Hearthwell Farms' new 92-grain bread has depleted nearly 55 percent of the planet's resources. "One loaf of this mind-bogglingly wholesome bread contains enough grain to feed 4,000 dairy cows for 20 years. The flax seeds alone could sustain a small city for a year," the report read in part. "We're talking about some seriously grainy bread here." A spokesperson for Hearthwell Farms, responding to the charges of reckless resource consumption, said: "It takes a lot of grainy goodness to make Hearthwell's 92-grain 'Kitchen Sink' bread... The Hearty Sandwich-Makin' Bread."

Does This Cock Ring Make Me Look Fat?

Listen, you have to be completely honest with me here for a minute. As you know, I value your opinion a great deal, and I don't want you to lie to spare my feelings. What I want to know is, does this cock ring make me look fat?

Horoscope for the week of June 3, 1998

Representatives of a local veteran's group will appear at your door this week and say that, although they fought to defend your rights, they would appreciate it if you would stop exercising them.

What Can Be Done To Help Our Nation's Inner Suburbs?

MARIETTA, GA—The golf course at James J. Berner Park in this suburb of Atlanta is a little less shabby today, as city workers replace the worn-out putting greens on the back nine. The new greens, which will provide golfers with a smoother, more reliable putting surface, are the first upgrade for the Berner Park golf course since 1994 and the first for the park overall since the tennis courts were repaved in 1996.

Buffy Mania

WB's Buffy The Vampire Slayer is one of the breakout hist of this TV season. Why do people like it?

I Am Loving That Dancing Baby!

Have you seen the dancing baby yet? It has got to be the funniest thing I've ever seen! It's a computerized baby, and it dances! Curious as to what all the hoopla was about, I had my intern download it for me, and I was hooked! Sometimes, if no one else is around, I'll do a little dance along with it. If you haven't seen it yet, you should throw on your cyber-bathing suit ASAP and get surfing... on the Net!

Conventional Love Affair Breaks None Of The Rules

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A thoroughly ordinary love affair between Chicago-area suburbanites Stephen and Denise Feeney has broken none of the rules, shocking no one with its non-torrid abandon and lack of forbidden passion, it was reported Tuesday.

Evil Genius Gates Drops Windows 98 Into NYC Water Supply

NEW YORK—Determined to circumvent Justice Department action forestalling the release of his powerful new operating system, Microsoft CEO and evil genius Bill Gates dropped Windows 98, coded into liquid form, into New York City's water supply sometime this past weekend.

Bakelite! Substance Of The Future!

Yesterday, I asked my man-servant Standish to bring forth the telephone-device, so that I could give my idiot spendthrift son G. Braintree a stern dressing-down.
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Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


School Shootings

On May 21, Springfield, OR, 15-year-old Kip Kinkel opened fire in his high-school, killing two students and wounding 22 others. What do you think about the recent rash of school shootings?