Russian Scientists Announce Six-Month Delay In Carving New Space Station

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Issue 3323

Donut-Shaped Thing In Kitchen Junk Drawer Has No Discernible Purpose Whatsoever

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Homeowner Gilbert Voss will be damned if he knows what that donut-shaped plastic thing in his kitchen junk drawer is for, it was reported Monday. "It looks like it goes in a tape dispenser or something," Voss said. "But that doesn't explain the little bumps." Voss' wife Helen speculated that the object may have fallen out of her sewing kit, but is similarly baffled by its function. "I guess you could put threads through the little holes around the rim," she said, "but then what would you do with it?"

You Just Have To Get To Know Area Jerk

PLANO, TX—Insufferable local jerk Frederick Schoepke announced Tuesday that he is a pretty decent guy, once you get to know him and see where he's coming from. "I'm not out to piss people off or anything," Schoepke said. "Once you get to know me, you realize I'm just being honest about things. I'm just the type of guy who doesn't bullshit around, you know? If you're straight with me, I'm straight with you." Schoepke further noted that although he might talk a lot, he knows a lot about a lot of stuff.

Brief Ceremony Marks Delivery Boy's Passage Into Delivery Manhood

FOREST HILLS, NY—A brief ceremony Monday marked Queens delivery boy Richie Crowell's ascension into delivery manhood. "Richie, today you are a delivery man," said Gino's Pizzeria owner Gino Torricelli, who presided over the traditional rite-of-passage ceremony, held on a delivery youth's 16th birthday. "Take these pies to 114-54 Corona Avenue, Apt. 4-G."

Bus Rider Clutching Head In Pain Completely Ignored

DETROIT—Area bus passenger Robert Herndon, clutching his head and rocking back and forth in agonized pain, was utterly ignored by fellow bus passengers Tuesday. The 17 other passengers on the bus employed a variety of tactics in ignoring Herndon, including looking out the window, gazing intently at the bus' advertising placards and staring at their own feet. "This is the C bus, right?" passenger Darryl Frost asked another rider in an effort to appear unaware of the moaning, doubled-over man sitting four seats away from him. "It is? Great."

Your Safety Is Our Second Concern

As CEO of Johnson Home Products, manufacturers of quality household appliances and furnishings since 1884, I would like to take a moment to assure you, our valued customer, that your safety is our number-two concern.


Judases! You are all Judases! That's right—you! I work my fingers to the bone for nearly a century to bring you a nice news-paper with crisp news-print and that lovely fresh-ink smell, and how do you reward me? By listening to the wireless-radio news dispatches! Judases!

I Got This Killer Money-Making Idea

Hola, amigos. Whazzup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot going on. First off, I've been living on a diet of bread and cheap-ass Corn King hot dogs for a week now, 'cause I've been broke as hell. See, I lost my job delivering newspapers after I decided I needed to take a little impromptu vacation to clear my head.

Clinton Tests Positive For Presidency-Enhancing Drugs

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is embroiled in scandal once again after testing positive for the presidency-enhancing drug Crovan. Traces of Crovan were found in Clinton's urine Monday during a random drug test conducted as part of the federal government's employee-testing program. Crovan, an orally administered drug that artificially boosts diplomacy and coalition-building skills, as well as perceived-sincerity levels, has been banned from presidential use since the Ford Administration. Speaking to reporters, Clinton vehemently denied taking the drug. "I have never used Crovan or any other illegal presidency-enhancer during my time in office," he said. "My presidency has been 100 percent natural." Clinton also denied a report that he used a quick-flush tea in an attempt to get the drug out of his system prior to the test.

Area Stoner Convinced Everyone On TV Also Stoned

ATHENS, GA—In a highly stoned statement made while sitting around watching late-night cable TV with his roommates Tuesday, Athens-area stoner Dirk Udell announced his conviction that everyone on TV is also stoned.

The Swing Revival

From Gap commercials to the film Swingers to bands like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, swing music is suddenly all the rage again. Why are so many young people into it?

Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status Of World's Meek

VATICAN CITY—In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional "blessed" status of the world's meek.
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    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Russian Scientists Announce Six-Month Delay In Carving New Space Station

MOSCOW—Citing safety concerns as well as the importance of proper craftsmanship, Russian Space Agency officials announced Tuesday a delay of at least six months before carving is completed on the newest Russian space station.

Russian Space Agency director-general Yuri Koptev answers reporters' questions about splitting and warping on the new Russian space station.

"The two-by-four frame which forms the station's primary airlock is still in the clamps and hasn't even been sanded yet," said Russian Space Agency director-general Yuri Koptev, explaining the delay. "There are also a number of key navigational instruments which we have not yet begun to whittle."

Originally scheduled for completion this month, the new station ran into difficulties on June 2, when several nails came loose during a routine docking exercise, resulting in an explosion that destroyed the space station's guidance system and badly injured cosmonaut Nikolai Budarin. The malfunction, which also caused serious damage to the station's steering thruster, was traced to faulty hammering.

"The nails were not hammered in straight," Koptev said. "We will pull them all out and do it again."

Another major setback occurred just two days later, when a pair of vagrants jimmied open the lock on the space station's main entry hatch and spent the night in it.

Russian aerospace engineer Aleksandr Kirov installs software on the new space station's mainframe computer.

"They urinated all over the place," chief engineer Talgat Musabayev said. "This created serious problems, as the floor had not yet been varnished and sealed, so the urine soaked through and caused a terrible smell. I cannot go in the space station now without covering my nose."

Musabayev said the agency has requested $3 in additional funding from the Russian government to purchase a pine-scented bathroom spray to combat the urine odor, but the request has not yet been approved.

Despite his frustration, Koptev said the setbacks have taught Russian Space Agency officials much about the construction and maintenance of space environments, knowledge which will help them greatly in future missions. "We may decide to work with clay in the future, so that even if we make many mistakes, we can correct them before the final firing," he said.

Another breakthrough for the Russian team was last week's discovery of rigid, circular devices that facilitate the transportation of heavy items. "We used to carry all of our components many miles to the space center in our arms," Koptev said. "But now, by affixing these round devices to boxes and baskets, we can transport items with far greater ease."

For reasons of national security, Koptev declined to elaborate on the specifics of the device.