Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material

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Issue 3325

Hero Lawyer Uses Technicality To Free Guilty Man

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Kenneth Michael Rafferty was set free Tuesday thanks to the heroism of attorney Morgan Schechter, who discovered a loophole in California arraignment procedure that made Rafferty's July 20 sentencing for armed robbery invalid. "I owe my freedom to Morgan Schechter," a teary-eyed Rafferty told reporters following his release. "If not for him, I would be facing the prospect of 30 years in prison for a crime I did commit."

Man Takes Free Thing He Doesn't Want

MESA, AZ—Despite a complete lack of interest in skin moisturization, area electrician Drew Shymanski took a complimentary six-ounce sample bottle of new Pond's Extra-Soft moisturizing lotion from a company representative while walking home Monday. "I don't know, it was free," Shymanski said of the no-obligation sample. Upon returning home, Shymanski put the lotion in his bathroom cabinet, where it will remain unopened for seven years.

Report: 98 Percent Of Americans Afraid Of 98 Percent Of Americans

WASHINGTON, DC—An ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday revealed that 98 percent of Americans live in fear of a full 98 percent of other Americans. "Between the criminal element, salesmen, religious zealots, alcoholics, minorities, immigrants, fast-driving teens, employers and panhandlers, a total of 49 in 50 Americans present a fearsome image to the vast majority of their fellow citizens," the report read. Newborn babies, the elderly and the infirm are believed to comprise the non-feared 2 percent.

A Day At The Senior Center

Last Thursday, I woke to discover enormous clothes-moths flapping about my bed-chamber. Horrified, I screamed for Standish, who valiantly tried to slay the winged brutes with a can of Flit. It was soon determined that other rooms were similarly besieged with moths, and that the entire mansion had to be evacuated for fumigation.

Sometimes I Think I Have ESP!

I don't know about you, but I've always been tempted to call one of those psychic phone lines. After all, who wouldn't want to know what's going to happen to them in the future? (But then I made a prediction of my own: If hubby Rick saw all those 900 numbers on our next phone bill, my own future would be pretty brief!)

Why Can't I Sell Any Of These Fucking Bibles?

I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on. Why can't I seem to sell any of these fucking Bibles? I'm offering the best goddamn Bible I've ever seen--not some piece-of-shit Bible that'll fall apart before you're halfway through Matthew--and still, everywhere I go, I get the door slammed in my face. What gives?

Fry-Cook Disciplined

LINCOLN, NE—Controversy engulfed the fast-food industry Monday with the decision by Denny's to formally discipline Lincoln-area fry cook Raymond Ortiz for an alleged scheduling-policy violation.

Kellogg's Pulls Controversial 'Choco-Bastard' From Store Shelves

BATTLE CREEK, MI—Amid a firestorm of controversy, Kellogg's is voluntarily ceasing all sales of its new cereal Choco-Bastard. "We are withdrawing the cereal to re-tool the sales concept for an undetermined amount of time," Kellogg's CEO Perry Fitch said of Choco-Bastard, whose box features a large, brown, fuzzy creature angrily giving the finger. "We thought cereal-lovers would respond to the rock-hard, shard-like pieces and vinegary after-taste." Promoted as "The Richard Speck Of Cereals," Choco-Bastard was popular with children ages 6 to 12 until an outcry from concerned parents prompted a boycott. A Kellogg's spokesman said the cereal manufacturer has no plans to discontinue Rape Chex.

New Smokable Nicotine Sticks: Can They Help Smokers Quit?

LOUISVILLE, KY—When Adrienne Lundy, 37, a pack-a-day smoker from Louisville, was diagnosed last November with a malignant tumor on her right arm, she knew she had to kick the habit. But like many longtime smokers, Lundy found quitting to be much harder than expected.
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Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material

The Internet is an invaluable educational tool, but for parents, it can also be a nightmare. Here are some tips for keeping your kids away from sexually explicit websites and other questionable on-line content.

  • Drape your computer in terrifying slaughterhouse entrails to make it unappealing to youngsters.
  • Go to the favorites file in your web browser. Retitle "Goat Porn" folder "Financial."
  • Young boys are understandably curious about Internet porn—but not if you patiently explain to them that women's vaginas have razor-sharp teeth that can bite off a child's hand.
  • Tape pages of The Bible securely over your child's eyes, ears and mouth, then double their daily butterchurn chore-hours.
  • Periodically check your family computer's log-on history for any pornographic sites not visited by yourself.
  • Make sure your child does not use the Internet after 9 p.m.
  • Do not allow your kids to become desensitized to violence. Beat them harder each day.
  • Glue storybook pictures to your computer's monitor. Tell your child this is the Internet.
  • Ask yourself why, if you can't exercise even a moderate degree of control over your children, you bothered to have kids in the first place.
  • Write letter asking website "Cock-Craving Asian Nympho-Teen Cum Sluts" to tone it down a bit.
  • Replace your children with responsible adults.
  • Provide your child with a detailed list of every website he or she is not to visit.
  • Force your child to look at pornography for many hours straight until child begs, "No more!"