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Old Friend Avoided In Hometown Convenience Store

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Issue 3403

Unremarkable Man Resembles Burt Ward

KALAMAZOO, MI—Walter Hodgson, a generally unremarkable Kalamazoo-area accountant, bears a strong resemblance to actor Burt Ward, it was reported Monday. "From a certain angle, especially when his hair is parted to the left, [Hodgson] really looks a lot like that guy who played Robin in the old Batman series," said Rick Tufts, who lives in the same apartment building as Hodgson. "Other than that, I can't say that there's anything all that distinctive about him."

Al Gore Excited, Proud To Be At Local Event

LAS CRUCES, NM—Vice-President Al Gore expressed excitement and pride over his presence at Saturday's 25th annual Las Cruces Air Show, where he delivered the honorary opening address. "I can't tell you how excited and proud I am to be here. This truly is one of the great American traditions," Gore told the crowd of 260. "And I know that President Clinton, who unfortunately could not be here today, feels the same way." Moments after his remarks, the excited, proud Gore left aboard Air Force Two, missing the entirety of the air show. Organizers of the event speculated that he was too excited to stay.

Creepy Late-Night Mortgage Ad Gives Insight Into True State Of Economy

Millions of late-night television viewers were given a rare glimpse into the true state of the economy Monday, when a creepy ad encouraging Americans to mortgage their homes to get out of debt aired numerous times on stations across the U.S. "Homeowners," the commercial stated, "do you have credit-card bills, loan payments or other large monthly bills that you can't afford? Capital Credit, the nation's leading home-mortgage specialists since 1965, can help. Call our toll-free number today." Said Jacksonville, FL, insomniac Bob Voss, who saw the ad at 1 a.m., 1:25 a.m., 1:56 a.m. and 3:12 a.m.: "I guess maybe there's something they're not telling us about the economy."

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

Hola amigos! What's goin' down? I know it's been a while since I last gave you the gospel according to Anchower, but I've had problems like you wouldn't believe. First off, I blew a tire 'cause my alignment was all messed up, but my alignment couldn't be fixed until I replaced my master bearing. Plus, my clutch cable broke for the second time 'cause the firewall is bent in. Hombres, this ain't been an easy time in the life of Jim Anchower.

Requiem For Mrs. Zweibel

To-day marks the 100th anniversary of my marriage to my beloved wife, Mrs. Zweibel. Not a day goes by in which I don't think of my 41 years with her. I only wish I could remember her name. I think it was Mabel. Or perhaps Henrietta.

I Wish Someone Would Visit My Grave

My name is Catherine Mary Hobart. I was born near Schuyler Town-Ship in 1791 and died near Schuyler Town-Ship in 1814. My father was a farmer and rope-maker, and my mother died giving birth to me. I never married, and my father always said I was plain in the face. I spent most of my life looking after the children of my father's second wife, who died in child-birth, as well. I never set foot from the county and had much pain from sour stomach and several abscessed teeth. I died of a fever that swept through Schuyler Town-Ship and its environs in the winter of 1814, and I was buried in the north-west corner of the grave-yard on the edge of town.

Man, This Pepsi Pop-Culture Bottlecap Game Is Fun!

As a member of the hip, media-savvy "twentysomething" generation, I can tell you that there's nothing I enjoy more than pop-cultural references. They're so Gen-X! My friends and I in the 16- to 28-year-old demographic not only regularly pepper our conversation with them, but we also get really excited when we see them on TV or printed on consumer products.

The Online Shopping Boom

Online consumer sales are expected to total $6.1 billion in 1998, rising to $20 billion by 2000. Why are so many Americans kissing their malls goodbye?
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Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Holidays

Old Friend Avoided In Hometown Convenience Store

HARWICH, MA—Boston graphic designer Kirk Bannon ducked out of a Harwich Stop 'N' Shop convenience store Tuesday, successfully avoiding contact with store cashier and onetime high-school classmate George Moseley. "George and I were in Mr. Telscher's first-period biology class together," said Bannon, 26, who was back in his hometown for a friend's wedding. "Looks like he's an assistant manager." After sneaking out of the Stop 'N' Shop, Bannon drove to a Gas 'N' Go three blocks away to purchase a gallon of milk and a New York Times.

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