NBC Unveils New 'Please-See TV' Thursday-Night Lineup

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Issue 3407

Archaeologists Discover Strata Of Welcome Back, Kotter Merchandise

UNIONTOWN, PA—Archaeologists at a dig site in southwestern Pennsylvania have discovered a layer of the Earth's crust consisting entirely of Welcome Back, Kotter merchandise. "The strata we have discovered, located approximately 15 feet beneath the surface, dates to the mid-1970s and consists of items ranging from posters of Sweathog leader Vinnie Barbarino to lunchboxes depicting Arnold Horshack," head archaeologist Adrian Richelieu said. It is the largest such find since 1989, when archaeologists near Albuquerque, NM, discovered a 20-foot-thick layer of T.J. Hooker Trapper Keepers.

Public-Speaking Student To Make Point Of Gesturing

ABILENE, TX—Jonathan Cranland, president of the Eisenhower High School public-speaking club, announced Tuesday that he will gesture for emphasis during Friday's public-speaking district finals. "When I read the Gettysburg Address," Cranland said, "I will lend weight to key passages with dramatic hand flourishes, impressing upon judges and audience members alike the importance of said passages." Cranland added that he is also strongly considering thumping the podium or shaking his fist. "People will see how serious I am if I shake my fist," he said. "If I simultaneously shake my fist and raise my voice, that will be an overwhelming double whammy."

Trinidad And Tobago Issues Commemorative Leonardo DiCaprio Postage Stamp

PORT-OF-SPAIN, TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO—The Caribbean nation of Trinidad And Tobago honored actor Leonardo DiCaprio Monday with a special commemorative postage stamp, available for a limited time only. "The government of Trinidad And Tobago wishes to recognize Mr. DiCaprio for his truly 'titanic' performance in the blockbuster film that has passed Star Wars as the all-time box-office champ," Prime Minister Basdeo Panday said. "This attractive stamp, sold in collector's sheets of 27 for just $34.99, is a fitting tribute for such a man." Among the luminaries previously honored by the Trinidad And Tobago Postal Service: John Lennon, Princess Diana and Popeye.

Sing A Happy Tune

My nurse gave me a particularly cleansing enema to-day, and now I feel rather giddy and as light as a soap-bubble. What to do? Hunt pheasant? Dance a jig? I know! Let us sing a gay round!

Keep Smiling!

You know, being a columnist can be tough sometimes. After all, I think I've just about exhausted every last topic worth discussing. Beanie Babies, chocolate, karaoke, cats--you name it, I've talked about it! What more is there?

Making Your Marriage Last

With the divorce rate at 50 percent, lifelong wedded bliss is far from guaranteed for married couples. Here are some tips to help keep the flame of love burning years after that walk down the aisle.

There Will Be An 80-Foot Statue Of Daniel J. Travanti If I Have To Build It Myself

One of the fundamental problems with America today, as a nation and a television audience, is a lack of reverence. We lack reverence for the elderly. We lack reverence for those who served our country in war. And, above all, we lack reverence for Hill Street Blues star Daniel J. Travanti. That is why I swear to you, before God Himself, that there will be an 80-foot statue of Daniel J. Travanti if I have to build it myself.

Fatal Spaz Attack Claims Life Of Area Spaz

CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO—Friends and family are remembering Gilbert Wilkinson as a "total spaz" following his fatal spaz attack Tuesday at the Golden Palace Dance & Supper Club in Cape Girardeau. "We were dancing and laughing and just having a very nice time when, out of nowhere, he completely spazzed out," wife Louise Wilkinson said. "His arms were flailing wildly, and he was bouncing all over the place like a complete spaz. Gilbert had had spaz attacks before, but as soon as he started spazzing, I could tell this was the Big One." Funeral arrangements will be announced as soon as members of Wilkinson's family, also complete spazzes, stop spazzing out over his death.

Prime-Time 'Toons

From South Park to King Of The Hill to NBC's new Stressed Eric, animated shows are everywhere these days. Why so many cartoons?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

NBC Unveils New 'Please-See TV' Thursday-Night Lineup

NEW YORK—With one week to go before the start of its first post-Seinfeld fall season, NBC unveiled its new "Please-See TV" Thursday-night lineup Monday.

NBC logo

"This fall," network president Warren Littlefield said, "NBC is the place to be for the shows you'll want to watch if you have any sense of compassion."

Created by the same ad agency that conceived CBS's "We're Dyin' Here" campaign, NBC's "Please See" promotion touts a revamped Thursday-night lineup that includes Veronica's Closet, Frasier and the new sitcom Jesse, which Littlefield described as "something I pray you'll be willing to watch for the sake of all the NBC executives with families to support."

"With Jerry gone, we certainly can't tell viewers that they must see these NBC shows," Littlefield said. "But we are confident we can ask very nicely."

The NBC campaign is part of an emerging trend toward network groveling. ABC's new on-air spots feature footage of laid-off employees weeping as they clean out their desks, and Fox is prepping a year-long "Watch Millennium If You Have A Shred Of Human Decency" campaign.