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'I Provide Office Solutions,' Says Pitiful Little Man

• Strom Thurmond Drafts Bill Prohibiting Telegraph Porn

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC–Contending that morse-coded descriptions of improperly petticoated young ladies are undermining the morals of American boys yet in short pants, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) proposed legislation Monday banning telegraph porn. more»

  

• Local Anorexic Still Way Too Fat

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | News

  SILVER SPRING, MD—Despite years of intense dieting and vigorous exercise, Lisa Kimmel is still too fat, she reported Monday. more»

  

• Man On TV Urges Mass Purchase Of Listerine

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | News

  LOS ANGELES—An unidentified man urged millions to purchase the antiseptic mouthwash in a bizarre, nationally televised plea. more»

  

• Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | News

  CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL—After years of construction, Corpadverticus, the new circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday. more»

  

• Seventh-Graders Still Undecided On Disparaging Name For Mr. Hyslop

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | News in Brief

  ROME, GA–After several weeks of deliberation, a high-ranking coalition of Rome Middle School seventh-graders remains undecided on what derisive nickname should be assigned to earth-science teacher Mr. Hyslop. "We are giving serious consideration to 'Mr. Hy-snot,'" coalition spokesperson Michael Kraft, 13, told reporters Tuesday, "but the name has yet to win the support of the majority." Other names being considered include "Mr. Hog-slop," "Mr. Zit-pop" and "Mr. Ass-plop." more»

• Expense-Account Wizard Transforms Prostitute Into Color Copies

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO–In a remarkable feat of expense-account wizardry, Chicago marketing executive Edgar Furness transformed a prostitute into 250 color copies Monday. Furness, who enjoyed a half-hour of sodomy with prostitute Chantel LaRue during a business trip to Dallas last week, magically turned the sexual encounter into a stack of colorful, easy-to-read pie charts created at Kinko's for a presentation to clients. Furness was reimbursed $58.93 for the tryst. more»

• Second Hour In Fabric Store Nearly Kills Eight-Year-Old

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | News in Brief

  COVINGTON, KY–Local 8-year-old William Haney is listed in stable condition following Sunday's near-fatal two-hour excursion to Martha's Fabric Outlet on Route 23 near Cincinnati. Dragged to the store by his mother, 36-year-old Carolyn Haney, who was reportedly obsessed with finding the perfect fabric for new bathroom curtains, Haney wandered the aisles for more than an hour in search of anything of remote interest. "After making his 12th walking tour of the entire store, gazing listlessly upon bolt after identical bolt of fabric, William collapsed from what is commonly known as a massive boredom attack," said St. Joseph's Hospital spokesperson Andrew Peele. "He was literally seconds from death when his mother finally purchased three yards of a floral print and left the store." Emergency doses of comic books and candy were administered to Haney, upgrading his condition. more»

• Touring Company Of Cats Prepares For Yet Another Day In The Goddamn Catsuits

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | News in Brief

  ST. LOUIS–Members of the national touring company of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats steeled themselves Monday for yet another day in the goddamn catsuits. "One of these days, my agent is going to land me a TV or movie role and get me out of this living nightmare," said Jonathan Belinsky, gluing whiskers onto his face and wriggling into a fur-covered bodysuit for his role as Mr. Mistoffolees. "I can't take much more of this." Stephanie Watrous, who has played Jennyanydots for eight agonizing years, said, "Each day, I pray for sweet release from the hideous quasi-feline mockery that my life has become. Where are we today? Spokane?" Six suicides have plagued the touring company in the past year, with three of them occurring during performances of the song "Memory." more»

• Dennis Miller Deeply Concerned About Long-Distance Service

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | News in Brief

  Comedian Dennis Miller momentarily turned serious Monday to address the critical issue of long-distance service. "When the people at 10-10-220 brought to my attention the savings Americans are losing with every call they make using other carriers, I knew something had to be done," Miller said. "I could not stand by in good conscience while millions of innocent people went uninformed about which long-distance service offers the best rates." Added Miller: "The madness must end. All calls up to 20 minutes are just 99 cents." more»

• Home-Run Hysteria

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | Infographic

  All eyes are on Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa as the sluggers battle it out for the single-season home-run crown. Why are Americans so captivated by the race? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1998

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | Horoscope

  An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal. more»

• What Attracts Us To The Opposite Sex?

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | Statshot

  

• GM Workers Strike For 2,000-Peso Raise

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | News in Photos

  

• New Drug Offers Hope To Infertile Inner-City Teens

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | News in Photos

  

• I Got What You Need

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | Commentary

  You are looking very fine. I am serious. more»

• Zweibelmas Is Becoming Too Commercial

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | Commentary

  Another Zweibelmas has come and gone. I wish I could say that it was the most joyous one yet, but, sadly, I cannot. And it is not because Zweibelmas-Day, Sept. 21, coincided with some Jew holiday. My disappointment stems from the fact that, in recent years, Zweibelmas has become increasingly commercial, and the American public has lost sight of the true meaning of the holiday. more»

• Many Civil War Reenactments, Sadly, Are Still Not Handicap Accessible

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | Commentary

  There's nothing quite like a Civil War reenactment. Dressing in the woolen uniform of the period, eating hardtack and bacon, and firing black-powder rifles, we are transported back to those darkest of hours when our nation was nearly rent asunder by armed conflict. Brother against brother. Father against son. Oh, what a time it was! more»

• Choosing A Rest Home For Your Loved One

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | Tips

  Choosing the best nursing home possible for an elderly parent can be a difficult task. Here are some helpful tips to guide you through this very important decision: more»

  

• Impeach Clinton?

  ISSUE 34•08 | 09.23.98 | American Voices

  With Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's report now in the American people's hands, talk has turned to the prospect of impeaching the president. What do you think? more»

• Inside: Talking To Your Kids About Sucking The President's Cock