WASHINGTON, DC–Contending that morse-coded descriptions of improperly petticoated young ladies are undermining the morals of American boys yet in short pants, U.S. Sen ...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Despite years of intense dieting and vigorous exercise, Lisa Kimmel is still too fat, she reported Monday.

LOS ANGELES—An unidentified man urged millions to purchase the antiseptic mouthwash in a bizarre, nationally televised plea.

CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL—After years of construction, Corpadverticus, the new circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday.

ROME, GA–After several weeks of deliberation, a high-ranking coalition of Rome Middle School seventh-graders remains undecided on what derisive nickname should be assigned to ...

CHICAGO–In a remarkable feat of expense-account wizardry, Chicago marketing executive Edgar Furness transformed a prostitute into 250 color copies Monday. Furness, who enjoyed a ...

COVINGTON, KY–Local 8-year-old William Haney is listed in stable condition following Sunday's near-fatal two-hour excursion to Martha's Fabric Outlet on Route 23 ...

ST. LOUIS–Members of the national touring company of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats steeled themselves Monday for yet another day in the goddamn catsuits ...

Comedian Dennis Miller momentarily turned serious Monday to address the critical issue of long-distance service. "When the people at 10-10-220 brought to my attention the ...

All eyes are on Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa as the sluggers battle it out for the single-season home-run crown. Why are Americans so captivated ...

An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.

Choosing the best nursing home possible for an elderly parent can be a difficult task. Here are some helpful tips to guide you through this ...

With Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's report now in the American people's hands, talk has turned to the prospect of impeaching the president. What ...