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Ex-Cop Drawn Into Web Of Intrigue And Deceit By Frequently Naked Woman

• Poll: 73 Percent Of Americans Unable To Believe This Shit

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News

  PRINCETON, NJ–According to the latest Gallup Poll, conducted Monday and Tuesday of this week, nearly three out of four Americans can no longer believe this shit. more»

  

• Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News

  AUSTIN, TX–Everyone involved in the preparation, delivery, purchase and consumption of a pizza from Tony's New York-Style Pizzeria was thoroughly baked off his ass, it was reported Monday. more»

  

• Jesse Jackson Honored For Providing Inner-City Youths With Increased Photo Opportunities

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News

  NEW YORK—Jesse Jackson was awarded for providing inner-city youths with much-needed photo opportunities Tuesday. more»

  

• World-Weary Man Bitterly Rents Mercury Rising

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News in Brief

  BELLINGHAM, WA–Forced to choose a Saturday-evening entertainment option, exhausted consumer Glenn Waters bitterly rented the 1998 film Mercury Rising. "I suppose this will do," said the spiritually drained Waters, selecting the Bruce Willis action thriller from the "New Releases" section of a Bellingham-area Blockbuster Video. "The cars will explode, the bombs will be narrowly defused, and I will be entertained. I have little choice in the matter." In the past, Waters has bitterly chosen such entertainment options as Dr. Dolittle, The Rock, Veronica's Closet and Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing." more»

• Dept. Of Transportation To Replace Highway Mile Markers With Dead Raccoons

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday that all highway mile markers will be replaced with raccoon carcasses. "Unlike the current mile markers, which are expensive and need frequent maintenance, dead raccoons are cheap to manufacture and can already be found at quarter-mile intervals on virtually every highway in America," Transportation Secretary Rodney Slater said. "All we need to do is spread the raccoons out evenly, and we'll be set." more»

• Mercy Hospital Turns Away Uninsured Patient

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News in Brief

  ASHEVILLE, NC–Mary Griebe, a 68-year-old uninsured woman suffering from severe chest pain, was turned away by St. Jude Mercy Hospital Tuesday. "Unfortunately, Mercy Hospital is unable to treat patients whose ability to pay is unclear," said hospital director Dr. Wesley Simmons. "The chest-pain sufferer who arrived at our emergency room was given directions to several other nearby hospitals that might be more willing to help her, including Good Samaritan General, Hope & Compassion County, and Basic Human Decency General." more»

• Area Waitress Has One Hell Of An Ass On Her, Local Man Will Tell You That Right Now

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News in Brief

  BEAUMONT, TX–Beaumont-area delivery driver Leon Riggs is not kidding when he tells you that local waitress Pamela Wohlper, 24, has one hell of an ass on her, it was reported Tuesday. "That is one tight, juicy little ass that waitress has got on her," Riggs said. "Yes sir, that is one sweet little can, you know I got that right." Riggs added that you would not believe the things he would do if he ever got that ass all to himself. more»

• Harper's Index: Percentage Of Harper's Readers Who Only Read Index: 98

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK–According to the Harper's Index in the October issue of Harper's, the percentage of the magazine's readers who only read the long-running index feature is 98. "Percentage of Harper's readers who stopped reading the magazine years ago and now only look at this page, if anything at all, before tossing it on their bathroom floor to seem smart to guests: 98," the index read. more»

• Changing Weather Inspires Area Conversationalist

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News in Brief

  AUGUSTA, ME–The transition from summer to fall inspired local conversationalist Phillip Cadieux Monday. "Boy, it sure is starting to cool off out there," the 41-year-old Cadieux told fellow elevator passenger Jennifer Broderick, who was held rapt by the master monologuist's musings on the seasonal change. "I tell you, before you know it, it'll be time to dust off the old parka and break out the snow shovel." more»

• DVD Mania

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | Infographic

  DVD, or digital video disc, is the hot new entertainment format of the moment. What are consumers flocking to it? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1998

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | Horoscope

  You will fail to convince the police that you were innocently attempting to soothe the howler monkey. more»

• Good-Time Eateries

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | Statshot

  What are America's largest family-run restaurant chains? more»

  

• On-Line Gambling Too Depressing To Even Think About

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News in Photos

  

• Win A $10,000 Mall of America Dream Shooting Spree!

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News in Photos

  

• Essay Contest Results

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | Commentary

  This is the column in which I was going to announce the winners of the 97th annual Onion Young Patriot Essay Contest, but none of the entries was deserving of a prize. The Onion received only four essays concerning this year's topic, "What Our Great Republic Means To Me," and the lack of care with which they were written is appalling. The finest of the four, if it could be called such, was written by 11-year-old Josh Dorman of Valdosta, Geo., and reads as follows: more»

• I Had Two Tickets To Paradise And Lost 'Em

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | Commentary

  Hola amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've had a lot of crap to deal with. more»

• I Am No Longer Allowed In The Pet Store

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | Commentary

  I used to love to go to the pet store, but then last week Mr. Schumacher told me I can't come in no more. They have such nice animals there, and I'm sad because now I can't touch them. more»

• Ask Loni Anderson's Agent

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | Advice

  Barry Wachtler is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Loni Anderson's Agent, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. more»

• Kosovo Intervention?

  ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | American Voices

  Outraged over Serb atrocities against Kosovo's ethnic Albanians, NATO has issued an ultimatum to Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic, threatening air strikes if his aggression does not end. What do you think? more»

• Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game

• Area Man Swears He Was Just Vacuuming Naked