Area Man Has Naked-Lady Fetish

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Issue 3412

Bourbon Helps Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting For Awhile

HOUSTON–Carpet salesman Martin Janowski, 53, was able to forget about carpeting for just a little while Monday after consuming a fifth of Jim Beam Kentucky bourbon. "For a few glorious moments, I cleared my mind of Anso II Stainmaster Plus and Bigelow Dura-Plush carpeting," said Janowski, a 26-year employee of CarpetMart in Houston. "The bourbon made the floor coverings go away. "To help him forget about carpeting tomorrow night, Janowski said he will likely employ Southern Comfort, Johnnie Walker Red, or some combination thereof.

First-Grader Reeks Of Urine

WAUKEGAN, IL–A distinct urine odor was detected in the vicinity of area first-grader Josh Mills Monday. Though the presence of urine was not confirmed, Mills' history of pants-soakage led a majority of classmates and school faculty members to conclude that there was a loss of bladder control on the 6-year-old's part. School psychologist Charlotte Gehl stressed that Mills just moved to Waukegan a few months ago and needs lots of support to help him fit in.

Shark Attack Claims Life Of Some Guy On TV

SOME BEACH–The life of this one guy on TV was cut tragically short Monday when this giant killer shark ripped the shit out of him during a segment of Fox's When Animals Attack IV. "The guy was just swimming and, like, out of nowhere, this huge shark starts totally tearing him apart," said stunned, shaken viewer Jonathan Hassell, 20, who failed to brace himself for the wildest When Animals Attack yet. "I was like, 'Holy shit, dude.'" The one guy's identity is not known.

Morbidly Obese Man Enjoys Disabled Privileges With Motorized Cart

MESA, AZ–Former fat lump of crap Joseph Woodring joined the ranks of the disabled Monday with the purchase of a Rascal(TM)-brand motorized cart. "I am pleased to make the move from morbidly obese to differently abled," said the 410-pound Woodring, careening through EastTowne Mall on his electrically powered whale transporter. "My newfound handicapped status has truly given me a new lease on convenience." Woodring then motored off to the mall's food court for a McRib Deluxe Extra Value Meal.

We Can Have Babies Whenever You Want To

I just want you to know that we can start having babies whenever you want to. Not that we have to have our first one right now, of course. I mean, we always said we wanted to wait until we were ready, and I still do. It's just that we've been married for almost a whole year now. So, I just want you to know that whenever you feel like you're ready to start having the children, just go ahead and tell me.

I Know What Is Best For Everyone

Listen to me, because I know what is best for everyone. There are a great many problems facing America today, and I have all the answers to all of them.

The Picture Of T. Herman Zweibel

Listen to me, because I know what is best for everyone. There are a great many problems facing America today, and I have all the answers to all of them.

Great Books Of Western Civilization Used To Accent Den

BETHESDA, MD–Beautiful, hand-tooled, leather-bound copies of the greatest works of Western literature "really spiffed up" the den of Elaine Gadsen Monday. "I just love the way the gold embossing on The Great Gatsby balances out that plainer-looking Dickens book on the end," Gadsen said. "And the bright red spine on that one by Faust really looks great over the couch." Gadsen has instructed her housekeeper to dust the books monthly.

State Department To Hold Enemy Tryouts Next Week

WASHINGTON, DC–Taking steps to fill the void that has plagued the American military-industrial complex since the 1991 collapse of the Soviet Union, Secretary of State Madeleine Albright announced Tuesday that the U.S. will hold enemy tryouts next week.

Broadway's Back

After years of declining attendance Broadway enjoyed its biggest season ever in 1997-8. Why are so many people flocking to the Great White Way?
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Special Coverage



Area Man Has Naked-Lady Fetish

ST. JOHNSBURY, VT–Looking at Warren Geary, you'd never suspect. A respected business owner and devoted family man, the 41-year-old Geary, by all outward indications, would appear to be just like anyone else in this sleepy New England hamlet of 4,700.

Warren Geary, a seemingly normal business owner and family man who harbors a secret fetish for women without clothes.

But looks can be deceiving.

Dig a little deeper, beyond the many years of PTA involvement and Kiwanis Club membership, and you'll discover a very different Warren Geary, one who derives sexual stimulation and pleasure from the sight of unclothed women. This seemingly normal husband and father of three has a naked-lady fetish.

"I really enjoy looking at naked ladies," Geary said. "I don't know what it is, but seeing women without clothes gets me excited."

So consuming is Geary's fetish, he said he will sometimes pass a woman on the street and catch himself imagining what she would look like undressed.

"I'll often think about naked women, even when none are around," said Geary, who has a collection of magazines and videotapes devoted to naked-lady fetishism, including the 1998 film Boogie Nights. "It's just this fixation of mine."

Geary said he doesn't recall when or how he first developed his strange compulsion for seeing women in a state of rant undress.

"I have no idea how I came to develop these urges. As a child, I found the naked female form gross or humorous, just like any healthy boy," Geary said. "But at some point, I found myself not only enjoying the sight of disrobed women, but actually seeking it out."

Geary said hardly a day goes by when he doesn't imagine women in states of undress. There are no boundaries to when and where it may occur–at church, the post office, the health club, the beach. He even admits to watching TV for hours on end, solely in the hopes of catching a glimpse of bare breasts.

"Sometimes, I'll turn on HBO, and if a movie is listed as containing nudity, I'll watch the entire film–even though I have no interest in the plot or subject matter–just to see the breasts," Geary said. "I know it's wrong, but I can't help myself."

News of Geary's lurid fixation has caused considerable controversy throughout St. Johnsbury.

"It's twisted and obscene, that's for sure," said Janice Alvaro, whose home is just a block away from Geary's. "It makes me very uncomfortable knowing that I live so close to someone like that."

"A man who harbors a secret lust for women without any clothes on is not the kind of man we want coaching one of our teams," said local Little League president Stephen Claussen, who has asked Geary not to return next season after 14 years of involvement. "I don't feel comfortable entrusting our town's children to that kind of a person. What if his presence somehow influences these kids, perverting their normal sexual growth and causing them to develop that same kind of aberrant interest in naked women later in life?"

For decades, psychologists believed naked-lady fetishism to be the domain of a tiny handful of sexual deviants. A growing number of experts, however, now believe the condition to be much more common, with some estimates putting the number of men consumed by the sight of the naked female form as high as 1 in 50,000.

According to noted psychotherapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum, clear distinctions exist between normal men and those with naked-lady fetishes.

"When a normal man sees an attractive woman, he is drawn to her stylish hairdo, nicely applied make-up and flattering dress, and he reacts with an intense desire to marry her," Wasserbaum said. "The naked-lady fetishist, however, is unmoved by such features as hairstyle and clothing, regarding them as distractions and impediments to the one thing that truly interests him–her naked body."

"In a way, it's very sad," Wasserbaum said. "Instead of being able to enjoy the conversation of a woman over dinner and drinks, the naked-lady fetishist, gripped by his uncontrollable impulses, will only be able to think about whether he'll get to see her naked body later in the evening."

Scientists theorize that naked-lady fetishism may represent a long-obsolete evolutionary remnant, a vestigial instinct that once served some reproductive purpose among early hominids.

"About 70 million years ago, the female form may have served as a visual cue, triggering male arousal for the purpose of procreation," Brown University anthropologist Isaac Gage said. "But the human species evolved beyond that point long ago. Why a small handful of individuals would still exhibit traces of this ancestral evolutionary past is curious, to say the least. But one thing is certain: We should not permit our feelings of shame and ignorance to cloud our perceptions. Geary should be seen for what he is–a deeply disturbed individual in desperate need of medical help."