Bounty Officials Approve Third Ply

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Issue 3414

Concerned Parents Demand Removal Of Arsenic From Periodic Table Of Elements

GRAND RAPIDS, MI–Citing the threat posed to their children's safety, a Grand Rapids-area parents group is calling for the removal of arsenic from the periodic table of elements. "Our schoolchildren, some as young as the fourth grade, are being exposed to this deadly element in their science classes," said Tricia Montcalm, president of the Grand Rapids Parents Association. "We insist that this poison be removed from the periodic table and replaced with a safe, non-toxic element." To date, the group has raised over $4,500 for the development of a replacement element, "Nickelodeum," a springy, child-safe play foam with an atomic number of 33.

Hate-Crime Bill Stalled By Pro-Hate Lobby

WASHINGTON, DC–Congressional passage of a landmark hate-crime bill is being delayed by the nation's powerful pro-hate lobby, it was reported Tuesday. "If this bill were to pass, hatred would be illegal in all 50 states," said Terrence Boswell, president of Americans For Hate. "This bill, which requires all Amercians to get along and like each other, goes against everything our organization believes in, and we are taking a stand." Americans For Hate's lobbying efforts have won over numerous legislators, including U.S. Rep. William Schourek (R-TX), who was re-elected to Congress Tuesday on a pro-hate platform. "Hate is a vital aspect of our shared culture, and it would be deeply missed if it were to disappear," Schourek said.

Area Man Reduced To This

CORBIN, KY–Local food-service worker Earl Baxter was reduced to this Tuesday, when a Hardee's customer lost a metal bracelet in the restaurant's dumpster and Baxter's manager instructed him to retrieve it. "So, this is how far I've come," said Baxter, wading through the giant trash receptacle in search of the mislaid bauble. "I'm actually reduced to this." His arms blackened to the elbows by coffee grounds, Baxter noted that he could have been a mechanic earning $30,000 a year by now, had he gone to trade school. "Woulda gotten me outta this," said the reduced-to-this Baxter.

Young Girl Provides Home For Stray Bullet

CHICAGO–Eight-year-old Ashley Jennings, described as "the sweetest little girl in the whole world," provided a warm, comfortable home for a stray bullet Monday. "Ashley opened up her heart and let that bullet in," Chicago police officer Michael O'Shea said. "This was the kind of girl who would give you her last dime, stop to help a stranger or give a wayward shard of hot metal a place to stay in her chest." Said Jeff Kutcher, who witnessed the act of hospitality, "A fraction of a second after the bullet left its former home, Ashley unhesitatingly gave it a new one. If all of Chicago's children were as kind-hearted as Ashley, no bullet would ever go homeless again."

I Been Thinking Political Lately

Hola amigos. Whassup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot of shit going down. You know how it goes. Same old, same old. Like the wise man said, "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

A Tale Of Inspiration

My stock-broker Hargreaves recently told me upon the voice-telegraphical device that there is great anxiety around the Republic because of financial woes in the Orient. As a 132-year-old man, I have seen how the Republic's economic fortunes ebb and flow like the tide. Certainly, many of you will experience troubles, and some of you will take your lives as a result, which is probably for the better. Never-the-less, I wish to assure you young squabs that every-thing will eventually work out.

We Must Repaint Our Nation's Crumbling Infrastructure

As we hurtle toward the next millennium, we should take a moment to pause and judiciously examine the state of our country. The years ahead will no doubt bring wondrous advances in computers, HDTV, electric automobiles, and the like. But none of this will matter if we do not address the most pressing problem facing us today–the sorry state of our nation's physical infrastructure.
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Special Coverage


Bounty Officials Approve Third Ply

CINCINNATI–In what is being touted as the most technologically advanced spill-containment system ever, Bounty officials unveiled its breakthrough three-ply paper towel Monday.

Bounty vice-president James Fortson unveils the unprecedented three-ply paper towel.

Long regarded as an impossibility by the world's top paper-towel engineers, the revolutionary three-ply towel features a patented triple-weave moisture blotter that exponentially increases strength and absorbency without sacrificing softness.

Bounty officials called the new towel "the quickest picker-upper in human history."

"By breaking the three-ply barrier, Bounty has achieved a level of spill-absorption power competing paper-towel manufacturers can only dream of," Bounty vice-president of product development Randolph Stenzel said. "This is a very exciting time to be at Bounty."

Developed at a reported cost of $2 billion, the new towel is the first to feature the Oblitersorb™ moisture-punishing system. The advanced system, located deep within the core of the third ply, uses special anti-wetness agents to trap moisture inside walled micro-chambers. Once trapped, the moisture is violently pummeled into submission by a contracting textile-weave lattice-grid and then converted to simple molecular form and rereleased into the home's atmosphere as inert gases. Strategically placed vent points in the paper towel's quilted surface aid in the dispersal of the harmless vapors.

Breaking The Ply Barrier

"The hydrotropic power of Bounty has increased exponentially with the addition of the third ply," said Dr. Gene Dubrow, executive director of the Bounty Spill Control Institute. "We're not talking just 33 percent more spill-fighting action–Bounty's quicker-picker-upper capacities have actually been cubed."

Continued Dubrow: "Consider this: If a roll of three-ply Bounty is placed on a countertop, any spill within a 10-foot radius will actually travel to the roll."

Despite his enthusiasm for the new three-ply towel, Dubrow stressed that users of the product should exercise caution and carefully read the warnings on the label before use.

"Naturally, any paper towel this rapaciously absorbent must be used properly in order to ensure safety," Dubrow said. "For instance, the product should never be left unattended. If left out for more than an hour, a roll may absorb a home's entire supply of moisture, creating an uninhabitable humidity-free environment. Users simply need to make sure to return the roll to its special shrink-wrap product-suppression containment sleeve immediately after use."

A look inside the new Bounty Three-Ply System

Dubrow went on to note the extreme importance of wearing protective rubber gloves and eyewear at all times when handling three-ply Bounty. He also warned consumers to keep the product away from small pets, children and the elderly.

Alarmed by the new paper towel's potentially dangerous, unchecked absorbency, leading consumer-safety advocates say it should be banned.

"In laboratory tests, mice exposed to open rolls of three-ply Bounty died within minutes, their bodies reduced to withered, dessicated husks," said Janice Messerschmidt of Safety First!, a San Francisco-based consumer-advocacy group. "Is this the sort of irresponsible drying power we want in our kitchens?"

Despite the controversy, the new product, which is drawing interest from the military for its potential use as a weapon, is being hailed as the greatest advance in the field of spill-wiping in decades. But Procter & Gamble, manufacturer of Bounty, is not resting on its laurels. Products currently in the works include a dandruff-detonating Head & Shoulders, a Scope mouthwash that brutally beats and tortures the germs that cause bad breath, and a "universal solvent" Cheer laundry detergent that is capable of dissolving all known matter.

Though the new three-ply paper towel has revolutionized wiping, Bounty scientists strongly rebuffed the notion of developing a fourth ply at a later date. "That would be playing God," product developer Dr. Ernest Schumann said. "There are some doors science was not meant to open."