Area Woman To Get By On Looks For Six More Years

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Issue 3415

'Aryan Notions' Opens Sixth Berlin Location

BERLIN–Promising shoppers "a glorious thousand-year reign of quality sewing supplies and accessories at low, low prices," Aryan Notions opened its sixth Berlin location Monday. "From buttons to bows to knitting needles, Aryan Notions is your one-stop source for racially pure sundries," store manager Gunther Von Hoessler said. "Superior white seamstresses and tailors from all over Europe can't stop raving about our pure Nordic yarn and rick-rack. Krups is working non-stop to supply us with mighty cast-steel bobbins and thimbles." His voice quavering with excitement, Von Hoessler boasted of cleansing the globe of inferior notions retailers and standing astride a conquered industry ruled by Aryan Notions. "God himself has anointed our chain of sewing supplies for magnificent triumph," he said.

Poll: 80 Percent Of Americans In Favor Of Storming Castle, Destroying Inhuman Monster

WASHINGTON, DC–According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday, four in five Americans favor assembling a torch-wielding mob to storm the gloomy castle on the outskirts of town and destroy the hideous evil creature dwelling within. The poll also found that 92 percent of Americans believe science has created an unholy menace, and that the foul, Hell-spawned monstrosity should be driven back to the fiery depths from which it came. Of the 20 percent of Americans not in favor of destroying the wretched beast, 7 percent said they "strongly agree" with the statement, "Who are we to arbitrarily take life from a creature into which man himself breathed life? Build for him a bride and let them live in peace, far from the prying eyes of foolish mortals." Eight percent had no opinion.

Rash Of High-Speed Chases Threatens Local Fruit Stand

LOS ANGELES–A rash of high-speed chases in downtown L.A. is threatening the livelihood of local fruit vendor Dave Rostand. "Every week, as many as 10 high-speed auto chases, either comical or dramatic in nature, come roaring past my corner, sending my cardboard-box-mounted pyramid of oranges flying in all directions," Rostand, who estimates he has had to rebuild his fruit stand 50 times, told members of the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Monday. "If these chases are not curtailed, I will have no choice but to declare bankruptcy and take up work as a sheet-glass courier."

Hero Publicist Honored

HOLLYWOOD, CA–For "heroism in publicizing beyond all hope," Hollywood publicist Derek DeBoer was honored Monday for his work promoting the not-at-all-anticipated Buena Vista Pictures romantic comedy Be My Baby, starring Steve Guttenberg and Whoopi Goldberg. "For courage and fortitude in generating buzz where there is no hope of buzz, hype where there is no hope of hype, we recognize the heroic deeds of Derek DeBoer," said Trent Davidoff, president of the American Association Of Publicists. "Mr. DeBoer, your brave efforts helped saved the jobs of countless Buena Vista execs who green-lighted this God awful project, and for this they are eternally grateful."

The Marvelous New 'Sarcasm'

Excuse me, but can you ignorant peasants be bothered to rouse yourselves from the puddle of steaming offal you call home long enough to hear what I have to say?

Not So Beloved

Massively hyped and critically acclaimed by Oprah Winfrey's Beloved is nevertheless bombing at the box office. Why?

Glorious Heyday Of Youth Spent In Parking Lot

AMARILLO, TX–Celebrating the bountiful gift of youth and the endless promise it holds, local 16-year-olds Stephanie Reardon, Doug Shiner and Toby Rizzo spent Friday evening in the parking lot of the Howell Avenue Grab 'N' Go convenience store. "Got any more Kools?" said Reardon, living every moment of her salad days to the fullest. Savoring the sweetness of his vitality like a ripe, juicy pear, Shiner leaned against the store's ice machine and said, "Check out that van over there."
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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Area Woman To Get By On Looks For Six More Years

SAN DIEGO–Michelle Haltigan, a highly successful advertising executive known throughout the San Diego area for her striking physical attributes, will continue to get by on looks for six more years, it was reported Monday.

San Diego-area advertising executive Michelle Haltigan, who has until the year 2004 to coast on her appearance.

Sources report that the 23-year-old Huntington Beach native will be able to coast effortlessly until late 2004, when her appearance will no longer be sufficient to guarantee preferential treatment in her professional and personal life.

Haltigan, recently chosen for promotion at H. William Gordon Advertising over a number of more qualified, less luminous co-workers, enjoys a wide range of unspoken societal prettiness privileges. She receives free flowers from street-cart vendors, is allowed to skip ahead in line for the Stairmaster at her apartment complex's mini-gym, and gets priority scheduling from tanning-salon personnel throughout the San Diego area. At booked restaurants, she is always quickly seated and attended to, and when pulled over for speeding, her chances of being let off with just a warning are 17 times greater than the average person's.

As a result of her attractiveness, Haltigan also enjoys greatly enhanced discretionary powers in interpersonal relationships. Able to choose from a nearly endless list of suitors, she always operates from a position of strength in dating scenarios, rarely finding her desires challenged or denied by would-be sexual partners. When faced with resistance, Haltigan is able to persuade partners to relent by pouting her lower lip slightly and saying, "Pretty please?" in a childlike, flirtatiously wheedling tone.

Haltigan, whose looks have made it unnecessary for her to cultivate attractive personality traits, is reportedly unconcerned about the finite nature of her powers. When asked for comment on the rapidly closing six-year beauty-privilege window, she simply flashed what witnesses described as a "dazzling" smile, displaying her perfect, professionally whitened teeth.

"I think I'll go skiing in Taos this weekend with Andre or Michael, or maybe Ethan if he's back from Europe," Haltigan told reporters. "By the way, how do you like this new sweater I bought?"

Experts say the state of denial in which Haltigan lives is easy for her to preserve, primarily due to the nonverbal affirmations she receives daily, a form of tacit approval that fosters her illusory faith in the permanence of her esteemed status in the eyes of others.

"I'm sure in the back of her mind, on some subconscious level, she must know that time is ticking away," said noted psychotherapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "But, for the most part, the many perks that come with being beautiful block out any real awareness she might have. One can understand how this process works when one considers how unbelievably good-looking she is at the present time."

"I even asked her out myself once," Wasserbaum said, "but she said that, unfortunately, she was too busy that weekend to attend the symposium."

As a busy advertising executive, Haltigan's duties include taking clients to lunch, attending departmental presentations, networking with other executives, and taking clients to dinner. Other professional obligations include twice-weekly hair appointments, mud-bath skin treatments and sessions with her personal trainer.

"In my job, I have to look good," Haltigan said. "Projecting the right professional image is crucial to winning the client's confidence and trust."

Haltigan's commitment to success has earned her the admiration of her coworkers. "We all love Michelle here at Gordon Advertising," said company president Donald Gehry, 59. "There's a certain quality about Michelle that enables her to just light up a meeting. She's got that certain 'presence' necessary to be a big success in the advertising game."

According to experts, shortly after turning 29, Haltigan will begin her descent into shrewish bitterness, suffering a string of humiliating failed relationships, unemployment and, ultimately, a free-fall into neurotic self-loathing and cocaine addiction sometime around 2007.

But despite the looming threat of her inevitable loss of beauty and influence, Haltigan remains nonchalant about the future.

"I don't really have time to worry about what might happen down the road, because I've got real-world goals I'm committed to making happen today," Haltigan said. "The fast-paced world of advertising is all about living in the now."

"I'm always on the go, making sure I get the most out of life, pushing myself to be everything I can be," Haltigan continued before pausing briefly to toss her hair over her shoulder, adding, "but if you call me next week, I might be free."