Auto Workers Strike For More Acrylic Novelty Baseball Caps

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Issue 3417

'Hot 'N' Nasty Butt Cum Chixx' To Appear As 'Creative Concepts' On Credit-Card Bill

PLANO, TX–A phone call to the 1-900 service "Hot 'N' Nasty Butt-Cum Chixx" will be discreetly referred to as "Creative Concepts" when it appears on Plano resident Andre Lucas' credit-card bill next month, it was reported Tuesday. The 11-minute call, during which Lucas masturbated furiously while talking to an unnamed hot and nasty butt-cum chick, will be listed as a $43.89 charge on his Visa bill under the tastefully ambiguous name. Though this is Lucas' first billing-discretion experience involving butt-cum chixx, in May 1997, a 23-minute phone call to "Horny Black Sluts" was billed to "West Coast Promotions."

Revolutionary New Alarm Clock For The Deaf Uses No Hammers

METUCHEN, NJ–America's hearing-impaired are hailing Monday's unveiling of the "Sentinel 450," a breakthrough alarm clock that awakens deaf sleepers without the use of hammers. The alarm clock, developed by Metuchen-based Integrated Products, uses a flashing strobe light to wake hearing-impaired sleepers, rendering obsolete previous models utilizing a mechanical arm to pound the sleeper's cranium with a ball-peen hammer. "Rise and shine in an delightfully new, painless way," trumpets the brochure for the Sentinel 450, expected to hit store shelves in early January. "Now you can be on time for work without all the debilitating concussions, cranial fractures and costly reconstructive facial surgery."

Billy Ray Cyrus To Speak Out On Single-Payer Health-Care Issue On Politically Incorrect

HOLLYWOOD, CA–In the program's most hotly anticipated pronouncement since comedian Elayne Boosler's historic school-voucher address, country-music artist Billy Ray Cyrus will speak out on the issue of single-payer health care Thursday on Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher. Inside sources say Cyrus, best known for his 1992 hit "Achy Breaky Heart," will argue that a single-payer system places health care in its rightful context as a right of all Americans rather than a privilege doled out on the basis of ability to pay. The hunky, denim-clad Cyrus, who for years had remained silent on single-payer health care, is also expected to finally reveal his much-conjectured stance on campaign-finance reform.

Sculptor Criticized For Turning Women Into Objects

NEW YORK–Feminist groups are uniting in protest of sculptor Garrison Byrne, who is accused of turning women into objects for sale to the highest bidder. "The sort of sexist, demeaning objectification of women in which Mr. Byrne engages is shocking and unacceptable," wrote National Women's League president Georgia Richards-Weiss in a letter to The New York Times. "That he actually makes a good living reducing females to lifeless objects is more shocking still."

I'm Going Buggy Over Bug Movies!

Item! This holiday season, not zero, not one, but two bug movies are coming out! The first is about giant radioactive mutant ants who crush everything in their New Mexican path. This film, called Ants!, is a cautionary tale about the dangers of radiation. The second film is a more charming one called Living Bugs, and it's a documentary about bugs. It may sound like a snooze-fest, but it's actually really fascinating. For example, in it we learn that insects can communicate vocally, and many of them sound just like B-list celebrities.

The Gold Standard Must Be Maintained

To-day's Message concerns the importance of maintaining the gold standard, which has long been the bed-rock of monetary policy in our Great Republic. The printing of more green-backs would only prompt inflation and severely under-mine the Republic's over-all prosperity...

Waterboy Mania

Grossing over $80 million in its first two weeks, Adam Sandler's The Waterboy is a bonafide sensation. Why are people flocking to it?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Auto Workers Strike For More Acrylic Novelty Baseball Caps

DETROIT–General Motors workers called a general strike Monday, vowing to stay off the assembly line until their demand for more acrylic novelty baseball caps is met.

UAW members John MacArdle (left) and Burt Reese protest in front of a GM plant in Pontiac, MI.

"Fair is fair," said UAW Local 163 president Wayne Garber, marching with fellow workers in front of GM's Romulus Powertrain Assembly Plant. "All we want is our rightful share of mesh-backed hats emblazoned with humorous slogans about bass fishing, inebriation, spousal weight gain and other such topics of relevance to our lives."

Added Garber: "GM management treats its workers like mushrooms: They keep us in the dark and feed us shit."

Garber–who has vehemently denied recent allegations that he has a drinking problem, claiming that he drinks, gets drunk and falls down with no problem–said UAW members have not received new hats since 1993.

"We've been wearing the same novelty caps for years, and they've become practically unwearable," said Garber, sporting a worn-out "Gun Control Is Hitting What You Aim At" cap. "Their foam fronts are flaking, the crescent-shaped vent holes in the back are eroded, and the silkscreened lettering is so faded, we can no longer communicate the fact that if it has tits or wheels, it'll give you trouble."

The UAW is calling for a new contract guaranteeing each GM worker a new cap every eight months, with at least one of the first three caps featuring profanity, such as, "What Part Of 'Eat Shit' Don't You Understand?" "Lazy Americans, My Ass!" and "Shut Up, Bitch!" As a further concession, the union is demanding that all workers with 10 years service receive three-quarter-sleeve T-shirts bearing the iron-on slogan, "Wanted: Good Woman With Bass Boat... Send Picture Of Boat."

"How can GM expect these workers to adequately express their drinking, eating or hunting prowess–or their disdain for fat chicks, for that matter–with caps that are completely run down?" UAW vice-president Bruce Young said. "There are assembly-line workers who haven't given a moustache ride in 10 years, simply because their caps were so tattered, women didn't know the rides were available."

"On the top of my head, I've got a solar panel for a sex machine," GM Janesville Assembly Plant bodywork specialist James Reback said. "But my acrylic novelty cap is in such bad shape, people have been mistaking the panel for a bald spot. If things get much worse here at GM, I may quit and go back to my old job as an official tan-line inspector."

According to GM management, the corporation's attempts to negotiate with UAW representatives have been rejected.

"General Motors is the industry leader in worker safety, job-benefits packages and salaries, and we have made every effort to work with the union in the past," GM labor coordinator Bob Paletti said. "We even gave in to UAW demands for caps with fake dog-droppings on the brim, as well as beercan-holding novelty caps with dual drinking tubes. And now, even after we've vowed to grant them generous mesh-cap concessions, they're still crying foul. I guess they suffer from C.R.S.–Can't Remember Shit."

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