Pantene Introduces New Behavioral Conditioner

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Issue 3501

Important Piece Of Paper Tragically Smudged With Breadstick Grease

LOS ANGELES—An important piece of paper was tragically and irreversibly smudged Monday, when Los Angeles marketing executive Nelson Whittier inadvertently handled a sales-strategy proposal while eating a grease-soaked Pizzeria Uno breadstick. "Shit. Fuck. Goddamn it," said Whittier, who was giving the proposal "a final look-see" during his lunch hour when then tragic smudging occurred. "Fuck." The smudges, described as a pair of opaque, thumb-shaped stains, one on each side of the document, are believed to be permanent. Following the incident, Whittier spent the next 45 minutes holding the piece of paper up to the light and swearing loudly.

Herbie Goes Bananas

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—Herbie, the media-dubbed "Love Bug," became entangled Monday in a series of madcap South American misadventures which ultimately resulted in his going bananas. "One minute, everything was fine, and the next, Herbie was going what I could only describe as 'bananas,'" witness Harvey Korman told reporters. The sentient 1963 Volkswagen Beetle, in Rio De Janeiro to compete in the Grande Premio auto race, reportedly went bananas after unwittingly becoming mixed up with a smuggling ring, a plucky orphan pickpocket, and an angry bull. Despite the zany, trying nature of his ordeal, Herbie said he fully intends to ride again.

I've Wanted To Be A Sales Rep Ever Since I Was 34

I'll bet a lot of people out there are wondering how someone like me got to where I am today. How did an average guy who never had a lot of formal education and, frankly, wasn't expected to go very far, wind up making it to one of the top sales positions at the second largest distributor of bathroom fixtures in all of Kentucky? Well, I'll tell you. It happened because a man had a dream, and he never lost sight of that dream. You see, ever since I was just 34, I've wanted to be a sales rep.

Boy-Group Mania

From Backstreet Boys to 'N Sync to Boyzone, boy groups rules the pop charts these days. Why are they so popular?

Bleary-Eyed Cosmopolitan Staffer Cranks Out 10 Billionth Way To Bring Out The Animal In Your Man

NEW YORK—Cosmopolitan writer Melissa Rutherford achieved a journalistic milestone Tuesday, when she cranked out the magazine's 10 billionth article revealing how to bring out the animal in your man. "Surprise him by greeting him after work in a sexy new red cocktail dress," wrote the drained, numb Rutherford, who has advised Cosmopolitan readers how to bring out the animal in their men 135,285 times during her six-year tenure with the magazine. "If that doesn't do the trick, tell him you left something in the kitchen, leave the room, and then come back in the altogether!" Upon completing the piece, Rutherford jumped out a 34th-story window.

First-Amendment Bug Removed From Bill Of Rights 2.0

WASHINGTON, DC—Federal officials unveiled the newly updated Bill Of Rights 2.0 at last weekend's Govworld Expo '99. The enhanced version of the document is said to be free of the First Amendment bug which had plagued previous releases.

Freshman Senator Dies In Hazing Incident

WASHINGTON, DC—The future of the Senate Committee on Rules and Administration is in question following Tuesday's death of a freshman senator in what authorities believe to be a hazing incident.

Near-Death Experience Followed By Right-On-The-Money Death Experience

PORTLAND, OR—A near-death experience was followed by one of the right-on-the-money variety Monday, when local mechanic Gabe Hoover narrowly averted choking to death on a chicken bone, only to be run over by a city bus later the same day. "As I began to lose consciousness from the lack of oxygen, I saw a bright, welcoming light, and I heard a voice calling out to me that sounded like my deceased mother," said Hoover, describing his near-death experience an hour before being struck dead. "I felt incredibly at peace, but then, suddenly, another voice told me to go back, saying I wasn't finished with my work on Earth." Hoover continued his work on Earth for another 64 minutes, at which point he hit the death nail right on the head, walking swiftly and directly into the light.

Still Alive

Yes, I'm still alive, you bastards. I see all of you camped around the Zweibel estate, waiting to loot the mansion the moment I give up the ghost. But you're forgetting some-thing: I'm T. Herman Zweibel, and in all my long years of life, I have never, ever died! So cease your futile death-watch, you naïve fools, or I'll have my man-servant Standish sic the bear on you!
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Special Coverage



Pantene Introduces New Behavioral Conditioner

CINCINNATI—Procter & Gamble, manufacturer of Pantene® Pro-V® shower and hair-care products, unveiled its new line of behavioral conditioners Monday.

Pantene Introduces New Behavioral Conditioner

The new conditioners, which company spokespersons say will "wash and condition your brain, regulating social behaviors for a glamorous, brand-new you," are being touted as the strongest, longest-lasting psychoactive hair-care products ever made available. If successful, insiders say, the line could revolutionize the beauty-esteem sector of the nation's $3.4 billion norm-reinforcement industry.

"New Pantene Plus Pro-V Skinnerian Behavioral Conditioners offer a strong, long-lasting psychological hold, for healthier, shinier brains that are more manageable and easier to style and control," Procter & Gamble spokesperson John Dyer told reporters during a press conference at the company's state-of-the-art beauty salon and stimulus-response research facility in Cincinnati. "Our patented system of nutrients, moisturizers and behavioral modifiers gently shapes and conditions your psyche, guiding your behavior with a clearly defined set of rewards and punishments."

"As you can see here, Pantene's psychomanipulative agents go straight to the parts of the frontal lobe where they're needed most," said Dyer, pointing to a computer-enhanced graphic of a model dramatically tossing her silky blonde hair in slow-motion. "Desirable behaviors such as beauty-product consumption and fashion-worship are rewarded with positive stimuli, including feelings of approval and increased social acceptance. And Pantene's patented nutrients and moisturizers keep working all day long, seeking out and punishing the slightest departures from social norms with painful, burning sensations to the scalp."

Over time, Dyer said, this stinging pain, so severe it can result in convulsions and bouts of intense screaming, "strongly motivates the well-groomed consumer to avoid such behaviors in the future."

"I used to be frumpy and plain-looking," said Kellie Froemer, one of the 2,500 focus-group subjects upon whom Pantene tested the new conditioners. "Now I spend at least an hour in the bathroom each morning, elaborately styling my hair and applying a vast array of cosmetics and sprays to my hair and face. And I never leave the house unless I'm dressed to the nines. Why? Because if I don't, it feels like somebody has set my head on fire."

According to Pantene promotional literature, this patented "Scalp Punishing Action" helps discourage behaviors that fall outside a narrow range of socially accepted gender roles for women. Women who act within the strict boundaries of consumer-culture gender constructs will be rewarded with greater acceptance, whether on the job or on the town, helping them to look and feel their best.

"I used to be so insecure about my looks that I never did anything with my hair," said Jen Claire, another test subject who praised the new conditioners. "Now, I'm twice as insecure, and I spend upwards of two hours a day obsessively curling and styling it. Pantene's operant conditioning gave me the confidence I needed to desperately seek the approval of others."

"Thanks, Pantene Pro-V!" Claire added. "Now, I can finally be the person everybody else wants me to be."

"I used to wear jeans to work," said Hannah Cole, a focus-group test subject and former lesbian. "But now, I wear dainty flower-print dresses, expensive pantyhose and barrettes in my hair. I've also become incredibly paranoid about the way I smell and use a wide variety of perfumes and powders to mask my newly perceived feminine problem odors. I'm holding myself to a new set of standards I never dreamed possible."

According to industry observers, the use of beauty and hygiene products to condition behavior is nothing new. The important role that personal-appearance-based anxiety plays in beauty-product purchases is well-documented, and such anxieties have already caused generations of consumers to adhere to lifelong patterns of buying products they would not otherwise need or want. The new Pantene conditioners, however, have taken such marketing tactics to a new level, actually "soaking, lathering, moisturizing and softening" the cerebral tissue itself.

"For decades, the cosmetics industry has helped shape the way society behaves, both by pressuring consumers to conform to certain narrowly defined roles within 'accepted' society, and by pointing out the inadequacies of those whose behaviors fail to adhere to these restrictions," said noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum, who tested samples of the new hair-care line on numerous patients. "Such corporately constructed beauty standards continue to exert an ever-increasing force on the developing self-images of the buying public, but these new Pantene Plus behavioral conditioners are the first mass-marketed products to directly, actively punish nonconformity."

"It's really quite a breakthrough," Wasserbaum added. The new behavioral conditioners will hit stores everywhere by mid-February. Also in stores, Pantene spokespersons said, will be eye-catching, end-aisle displays that release one free sample-size bottle and complimentary food pellet after a consumer presses a bar when the light on the display is flashing, but only if she hears a special stimuli-tone buzzer first.